Finding History with Your Flame
by Wrathie Winsre
Summary: My own take on how the one and only School teacher of Gensokyo , Kamishirasawa Keine, met the Immortal Phoenix, Fujiwara no Mokou and begun her journey to be the Teacher we know and Love.
1. Chapter 1

Everything in the world has a beginning, even history… so, as the recorder of History, everything to me has a beginning. Whether it is happening as I write it down with my brush or when it happened a few days ago, everything has a beginning…

Treasuring our meeting, our beginning and the little coincidence that brought us together is all I can do.

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**Original Concept: Shanghai Alice**

**Creator: ZUN**

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**Presented by: wrathie**

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**An original Fanfic**

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**Finding History with your Flame**

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[?]

It was a simple encounter, something I had not expected from the moment I woken up on that fateful day. Everything has a beginning so perhaps I had already turned the wheels of fate by getting up early and deciding to visit the children earlier to check on their homework.

Perhaps if I had not gotten up slightly earlier, those precious minutes that I would normally laze around in bed to avoid greeting the sun that rose from the hills, I would never have met you…

..

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That said, I, Kamishirasawa Keine am happy to have done something out of the norm for once, leaving home a little earlier and walking the long way around to the village's school where I taught history and other subjects to the children of the human village.

For those that know me, they will know that I am a Half-beast, half youkai and half human. My ability as a human is to hide history, hide all traces of history of anything that I desire and when my half-beast's powers are fully awakened, I can change history and create history with my strength.

All this however is hidden from the village who has a great dislike of Youkai, friendly or not and they would chase me out of the village if my secret was ever leaked up.

..

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The villagers accept me as the only remaining member of the Kamishirasawa house, never guessing that my family is in charge of taking down history in conjunction with the Hieda house or that we will live hundreds if not thousand of years by rewriting history of my life-span.

..

..I am the newest and youngest ever Kamishirasawa House Member to take over the position and this is my 4th human generation in the village.

From the passing of the previous Child of Miare to the newest generation of the Head of the Hieda House, I had seen great change happening in the village. The growing strength of humans, the growing gap between youkai and most importantly, the lost of respect of youkai as mystical beings and instead the growing fear and anger towards them.

I had failed in my duty to educate the young on the knowledge of youkai and by the time I realized it, it was too late for me to change their mindset.

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[…]

Walking slowly and casually on my way to the village, I suddenly spied someone emerging from the forest and I stopped, confused.

The villagers will never get up this early and definitely not enter the forest under the absence of strong sunlight.

[…?]

Walking forward, I was about to call out to her when my foot stepped on a branch and it snapped with a loud 'crack'.

[!!]

Hearing the sound, she startled and bolted back into the forest like she was being pursued by a ferocious beast.

[wait!!]

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I could not even react quick enough to give chase when she had disappeared into the forest. The only thing that the person had left behind was a small red and white amulet that had tore off her hair. Taking it, I smelt it for a moment and was surprised to smell something akin to carbon, traces of fire was deeply embedded in the amulet and I was unable to distinguish who from the village it was.

Fortunately thou, from the distance I could see that she had long flowing hair and when she bolted, I could see that she definitely was a girl.

[… …who could you be?]

Wondering to myself, I tilted my head to one side before I returned back to the path, certain that my answer will be answered after class that very day.

* * *

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[No way…]

Clutching my own arm unhappily as I attended the Monthly Village Meeting, I was sorely disappointed when I did not see anyone that resembled that person that I had saw in the forest that very morning.

I was sad to report too that she had been on my mind the whole day and more than once the children had caught me grinning to myself and I blushed to know that I had been spacing out when thinking about her.

[Is everyone here?]

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Hearing the village elder call out to the people, he nodded to himself and started the meeting, my heart dropping even lower in the process.

[…]

Sitting in the middle of the crowd, I did not feel like I was part with the group, some of still treated me with caution and they shot me dirty looks to see that I was part of the meeting and I was invited to it in the first place.

[Miss Keine!!]

The children however, welcomed me warmly and I felt a little better when they crowded around me suddenly and tried to pull me from my seat.

[Let's play! Let's play!]

[Children… the meeting is going on… we'll play in a while… alright?]

Shushing them, I patted their little heads and slowly coaxed them to sit down behind the adults when I heard the elder clearing his throat and singling me out.

[Kamishirasawa, I will fill you in the details of the meeting in a later date, you should play with the children.]

Stroking his beard, the elderly gentleman who I once knew as a rash and impulsive child had grown up within the span of 70 years, resulting in a wise old man that was beyond his years in both thinking and with regards to his body. Years of drinking has finally caught up with him and it would not be soon for him to leave this world.

[If you say so, Elder…]

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Bowing respectfully to him, I smiled and shook my head when the children cheered happily and ran up to the elder to thank him, repeatedly tugging at his clothes as they did so.

[Thank you, Thank you!]

[Run along now, children… don't injure yourselves.]

Nodding to them, he dismissed them and me with a wave of his hand and all of us left the village to the outskirts of the human village.

[Let's play Hide and Seek!!]

* * *

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The next few weeks passed by with no incident what so ever, I continued with my routine, waking up at the same time and walking to school like nothing has happened.

The world won't change with a small change, history is proof of that but once again, it took just a simple thing for my monotone life to change.

[! Ah!]

Covering my mouth in surprise when I stepped out of the school after deciding to stay and finish my marking earlier, I quickly hid myself when I saw the same girl peeping at the village from the forests. Her eyes, a deep red looked worried but more than not, she looked afraid of the village and whenever she raised enough courage to step one foot out of the forest, she would quickly retreat one step further back.

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It was like taking a step forward and a step backwards at the same time and she was likely to not get anywhere if she kept repeating that.

Hiding in the school, I peeped at her from a gap between the doors and mentally screamed words of encouragement to her as she finally managed to leave the forest and was now slowly but hesitatingly walking towards the village.

She was trembling and I could see that she was not used to doing this as she froze and took a tiny step back whenever she something moved in the vicinity.

[…]

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She was very beautiful and at the same time, very handsome. She was not very chubby nor was she very thin, she was just in the middle, having a body that hid a small figure if one would look long and hard enough. She wasn't too short but neither was she tall either, she would not stand out in the crowd with her features but her eyes were unique.

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They spoke of living through many storms, many hardships and it just sent a shiver up my spine. Her long blue and silver-ish hair that glittered in the light of the setting sun and it mesmerized me and for a moment, I wished that she would look at in my direction and smile at me when I realized that I had opened the door without noticing.

[AH!]

Noticing me, she startled and darted back to the forest, leaving me standing there dumbly in front of the school with a hand outstretched.

[… Ah… I messed up big time…]

When I came to my senses again, I mentally kicked myself for being so foolish and I internally regretted what I did.

However, what's done is done and it is no use brooding over it. History has proven that as well and I decided that I would try to find her again, no matter what it takes.

* * *

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[… no luck…]

Lying on my futon, I sadly covered myself in my blankets as I rued my failure over the last two weeks in finding the girl again.

After that last encounter at the school, I had never seen her even a trace of the girl in my daily walks to the village. Waking up early and hiding myself in the bushes did not let me catch a glimpse of her and neither did staying back late to mark the papers. Nothing seemed to work and even when I decided to investigate the forest to try and find her, I came up with nothing.

Perhaps history is right. A small change would not result in a big change after all… at least, not in the short term. But however, History has proven that in the right situation and in the right circumstances with the right determination, even a small change can rock the world.

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[… But tonight is the night…]

Rolling over, I sighed as I stood up and silently left my house, leaving the door locked and a sign saying that I was leaving tonight and returning tomorrow.

I had a perfectly good reason for doing that and the reason is that it is the night of the full moon.

[…]

Silently I walked towards the forests but it is not to search out for the elusive girl, rather it is to hide myself from the prying eyes of the people.

Unlike the others of the Kamishirasawa clan, my powers are much stronger but at the same time, it came at a price.

Every full moon, my powers will awaken and I would cease to be half-youkai and be full youkai, my powers being able to create and change history with the changing of my human form.

My eyes, normally blue in color would change to a dazzling crimson and my hair would lengthen to touch the ground while horns would grow from my head, signifying myself as a beast youkai.

[…]

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Knowing that since I was young, I had to take care never to be seen in this crucial period and I moved away from my well-to-do family and insisted on living alone, relying on myself and no one else at the edge of the village, leaving the running of the Kamishirasawa clan to others in the village.

[… it's beautiful but very… harsh at the same time…]

Commenting on the moon, I approached the clearing that I had spent all my full-moon nights in and sat down at the tranquil site on the patch of grass that I had specially grown and kept tidy when I realized something was amiss.

[hey… has the children been playing here?]

Tilting my head in confusion, I accidentally knocked my horns against a tree and I winced in pain before crouching down to examine the oddity in the forest.

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The trees and grasses smelt and looked liked they have been burnt and upon smelling some of the decomposing leaves, I am more certain that a fire has broken out in the vicinity near the area but just as weird as the appearance is to me was the fact that it was only contained in a small circle away from the patch of grass.

[… weird…]

Ignoring it, I walked to my usual spot and lay down on my back to watch the night sky above me. It is a beautiful night and I felt a little lonely lying alone in the grass on my own but it would never do to have someone with me…

Unlike the rainy nights, this is a pleasant change as when it was raining, I had to lock the door and cover all the windows and pray to god that no one will find me or just rough it out in the forests, hiding under the branches of the tree and hope that lightning did not strike me.

Yes, the loneliness is nothing compare to the physical pain and suffering I had suffered on the rainy and stormy nights.

[!?]

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Suddenly hearing scuffling of feet, I turned around and was promptly happy and surprised that I saw the girl that I was looking for staring at me from between the gaps of the forests. Her eyes, crimson like mine stared at me and I stared back at her as well, wanting desperately to speak but holding back in case I would scare her away.

[… I'd never seen you before…]

It was her who first spoke up and she stepped out of the forests confidently, totally unlike how she was when she was trying to enter the human village. Instead, she seemed at ease in the forest and at ease with youkai as she stopped for a second to ask me.

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[Are you… new here?]

[… No, I've always been here… always will be… maybe even before you…]

[… really…]

Smiling back at her, I found my tongue and I could hardly contain my excitement as she walked beside me and sat down. She was in plain sight of me and I could for the first time see her fully. She was wearing a wrinkled brown blouse that smelt of fire and wearing a large pair of overalls that loosely hugged her tiny waist but magically, it did not drop.

Wearing ribbons of the same amulet that I had picked up, she said nothing but sat beside me and looked at the moon shining down on me.

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[…]

The excitement of her being near me faded and changed into a sense of never-ending curiosity as every now and then I would peep at her and wonders at what she was thinking.

…

_[It would be nice… if I can be friends with her…]_

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The same thoughts never stopped haunting me even when she stood up and left, leaving me sitting there in the patch of grass alone. My shoulders and head dropped and I felt a sense of disappointment like nothing I had ever seen before.

I had the chance, the chance to know her better and I just blew it… blew it again…

History should never repeat itself in a recorder of history but I had made that mistake twice and in a row, never learning from my mistakes and capitalizing from them.

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[Hey…]

[?]

[Will you be here again…?]

[!!]

Her voice suddenly floated by from the forest and I drew in a sharp intake of breath as I mentally ran through the possibilities of her words before stammering out.

[… I… I don't know…]

[… the humans… eh?]

Hearing her scoff, I felt anger coming from my heart but sadness too as she had struck the nail right on the head at the heart of the problem. It was… indeed the truth and not the truth at the same time…

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[…]

[… I'll be here… tomorrow… the next day… the day after next… the next month…]

[I'll be here next month!]

Before I realized, I had blurted it out and I blushed when I realized that I had stood up and shouted that out to her in my desperation to keep her attention on me as long as I could.

[… Heh…]

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Realizing that she was laughing at me softly, I blushed even more and I held my own hands in embarrassment and nervousness at messing up another golden opportunity yet again.

_She must think I am weirdo now…_

[Okay…]

[Eh!]

[I'll see you… next month…]

Turning her back at me, she called a goodbye before disappearing into the forest, leaving me alone but not lonely as I could not contain my joy and happiness at meeting her.

What made me so happy, I did not know… but it hardly matter to me…

[… mm… next month!]

It was something that I could look forward to… someone who would share the most loneliest period of my life with…

* * *

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Life passed on as normal, me leaving for school at the exact same proven time that has became my normal routine and I would return home to mark the papers to prepare for the next day.

It was the same thing everyday but sometimes I would break that deadlock and head for school earlier or leave school just a bit later to try and catch even a glimpse of her.

It started as a chance encounter but it had grown to be a routine by itself and before I had realized, every three days I would wake up just a bit earlier and mark the papers at school…

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But never again did I see her… till the night of the next full moon, an agonizing 30 days away.

Sneaking away earlier than usual, I waited at the spot for her arrival and during the time period, I smiled and sung a small song to myself to keep myself occupied.

''

[That is a nice song…]

Appearing suddenly like what she did the last time, the blue haired girl stepped out of the forest's shadows and she managed a small smile as she sat by me again.

Nervously, I nodded my head and slowly inched closer to her till we were a hand's width apart before I stopped, not wishing to spook her by being so intimate by the second meeting.

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[…]

The scent of burning was stronger than ever and to my horror, I saw that her clothes bore the mark of several burns and I winced in imagining what could have happened.

[…]

Silent as always, we spent the next hour or two staring at the stars and although they were beautiful as always, I felt that she was much worthy of my attention.

[… you came tonight… liked you promised.]

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Suddenly, her face was right in front of me and I gave a big yelp before scooting away when I realized I had spaced out while staring at her. Blushing crimson, I felt clouds of smoke emerge from my ears when my mind processed the thought of how close I was to her.

[… heh…]

Laughing softly again, she chuckled and dug her hands into her overalls, ignoring me like nothing had happened while I just pouted, puffing my cheeks at her, a little angry and happy that she had been teasing in me.

[… I did… I promised to come back…]

[that's good… I came by everyday… everynight…]

[Did you miss me?]

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Mentally, I slapped my head and wanted to drown myself for saying such a thing and I looked away when I saw her turning her surprised face in my general direction.

[not really… but… it wouldn't be so bad to see someone every now and then… even if it is a youkai…]

Bitterly, she grabbed a rock from beside me and tossed it into the air before bursting it into tiny fragments with a tiny fireball.

[!!]

[…are you afraid of my power?]

[…]

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Looking at me, she seemed a little afraid and apprehensive at her own actions and I realized that she too, could not gauge my expression and feelings and I relaxed a little before shaking my head.

[No… of course not…]

[… hmph…]

Scoffing, she turned away and I saw that she too was a little red in the face and that made me more comfortable too. At the very least, we weren't alone in being lonely… at least, now I know that she is like me…

[… what kind of youkai are you…]

Surprising me with a question, I blinked momentarily before I could manage a reply.

[I am a beast-youkai… what about you??]

[… immortal human… that is who I am…]

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Not showing her face or her expression, I could see that it is a touchy subject as she sounded very worried saying that to me, as if I would run away from that sentence alone.

Silence was all I could hear till I saw her standing up, her back faced to me and when she spoke, she sounded very bitter and disappointed.

[are you unhappy? That I am human? …]

[Of course not!!]

[?]

Realizing that I had stood up and had grabbed her hand to emphasize myself, I released my hand and looked away, embarrassed at my stupid brash act.

[I mean… I don't care whether you are a human!]

[…]

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Looking surprised, she looked away for a second and when she returned my gaze, the confident girl had returned and she smiled slightly at me, her lips barely moving as she whispered to me.

[… okay…]

But, she still left and when she did, I could not resist but ask her.

[hey! What is your name!]

[… does an immortal human need a name… I would outlive you… and that goes for you too… a youkai does not need a name…]

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Her answer, as soft as the wind could barely be heard and before I could give chase, she had disappeared in the forest, leaving me this time with more questions than answers.

[…]

Telling me she was immortal and she is human, like me… that made me happier than I had ever been, knowing that we had something in common with one another.

[…I would like, just to know your name now…]

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Lowering my head, I looked up at the brilliant full moon and sighed, mustering my powers to hide the moon for a moment to eclipse my mood. It was selfish of me but I hoped that at least, the small change would catch her interest as I took to the air and spent the rest of the night in the night sky, covered by the clouds, far from anyone's view.

* * *

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Life really does not change after a small change and it did not change for me. Meeting up with her, promising to meet again the next full moon, life did not change. There was no change in the people's attitude towards me, I did not see her the next day even when I tried to wake up earlier.

Nothing changed, there was no sudden spurt of height or level up fanfare… I did not suddenly become more popular or beautiful…

Life remained the same…

[…eh?]

Being called out of class suddenly, I was not sure what I was expecting when I saw the Elder and his young son with him. The Elder has always taken care of me and I was grateful for his hospitality but in this occasion, it was my first experience being a little uncomfortable as I saw his young son staring incessantly at me.

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[Is there something you need to talk to me about, Elder?]

Showing my discomfort by inching away from them, I placed a hand on my chest as I struggled to excuse myself and take my leave.

[There is something that I would like to talk to you about… tonight…]

Stroking his beard, his eyes twinkled but I did not feel comfortable at all even with his reassuring smile.

[T-Tonight… is it something that can't be discussed now??]

[I wise it would be so easily settled, Kamishirasawa… as it is, I'd rather you able to think about this for a longer period of time. I know of your preference in to remain solitude… so I hoped to catch you while you are in the village.]

[Ah…]

[Please, visit my home after your lesson.]

[Yes, of course…]

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Nodding and bowing to him, I accepted his invitation and as soon as his back was turned, I hurriedly rushed back to the school and closed the door desperately.

[…]

Whenever I saw the young man staring at me, I could not describe the amount of repulsiveness I had felt for him. He is a fine young man but when he is staring at me I felt as if he is the predator and I am the prey being targeted by him. I felt vulnerable and I wanted to get out of his sight as soon as I can.

[… what could he want to talk to me about?]


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: Damn for eating my chapter**

**Finding History with Your Flame:**

**Chapter 2: Of Meetings And Questions**

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Ancient Traditions has always placed females below males and I had long ago accepted that fact. Even for me, a half-youkai, I would have to follow those rules, being slightly oppressed by the dominant male society.

Maybe that is why I am coldly treated by the majority of the males in the village while warmly welcomed by the females…

..

It is the sheer thought of a woman doing something equivalent to a Male's occupation, teaching and having the ability to be revered as the head of an established house that had them up in arms.

Shocking was hardly the word I would use to describe the situation at hand. If I could, I would rather say that I am flabbergasted, speechless and… whatever words I could use to express how unexpected I was in the elder's proposal.

[A-A M-marriage?!]

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My voice reaching a higher range then I had expected it to, I covered my mouth to hide my embarrassment and shock at the bombshell that had just been dropped on me by the elder.

[Of course… my son had admitted in taking a liking to you, Kamishirasawa.]

Nodding his head, he shook his head as he remarked to me.

[He is a foolish boy, all brawns but no brawns… lusting after woman as if they are his…]

Lowering his head in shame, the elder apologized to me as he explained himself.

[I would never have allowed this to happen… I am strongly against such a scumbag ever touching a quaint and beautiful lady like yourself… you do clearly have the right to have a better choice in the village.]

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Shaking his head, he did not allow me to say anything more by raising a hand up to stop me.

[It is the Kamishirasawa house that had made the decision after meeting up with my son… I… rather you talk to him to find the answer…]

Taking his leave, he closed the sliding doors that would separate me and him and left me alone to my very confused and unhappy thoughts.

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_Marriage… this is something that I had not experienced even in the three generations before me…_

_Would it be nice… to fall in love?_

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Wondering to myself, I guarded myself as I was reminded of the Village's elder's warnings. The young man is foolish and like a playboy, always searching for woman like they were his belongings and I would not want to suffer this fate.

[…]

The sound of the sliding door closing signaled his arrival and to my surprise, I felt my heart beat a little faster when I saw his silhouette on the other side of the paper door.

[Kamishirasawa…]

His voice floated over to my side and I responded quickly, too quickly I reminded myself when I heard him laugh a little.

[Yes?]

[…]

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Silence befalls us for a moment as I felt a little uncomfortable to say the least. I was not mentally or physically prepared to meet him, not to mention even talking about this engagement that would literally tie me down to him for the rest of his life, not mine.

[I've heard a lot about you, Kamishirasawa… how you are the most intelligent and the most beautiful girl in the village.]

[…]

Listening to him praise me, I was not impressed as I had heard the same lines before as he had tried to court other girls in the village.

[It is said that no one can compare to the jewel of the Kamishirasawa clan, the most beautiful elder daughter ever… I was skeptical at first but when I first saw you, even if it is just a glimpse of you as you entered school, I felt my heart beat faster than I had ever done before… I… I do not know how to describe this feeling…]

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He was energetically talking at the other end of the screen and I studied him closely, wanting to discover his true intent in wanting to marry me.

Was it due to money? Was it due to true love?

All this, I must know…

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[I can only say that is true love… Kamishirasawa… I had not experienced something as vivid and powerful as the feelings I have for you now! I can run mountains for you… and believe me, I tried! I ran all the way to Youkai Mountain to pick the legendary suzuran flower…]

[That's poisonous!]

Breaking the screen door in my hurry to get the flower away from him, I took the flower and ran out the door with it before depositing it in the yard and burning it.

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[…]

Breathing a sigh of relief when I was certain that the poison is not going to hurt anyone in anyway, I headed back meekly to the Elder's house, apologizing for what I had done.

Instead of being angry, I found the Elder's Son transfixed in looking at his hands. Looking at it as if it were a pair of his treasures.

[… I… I apologize for being so rude…]

Covering my face, I hurriedly ran to the other side of the screen door and slammed it shut, knowing full well that doing that was as useless as using paper to hide a fire.

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A woman should never be so disrespectful to a man and what I have just done is like a capital crime, even if what I had done had saved his life. If it was the older days, I would be hauled off to be beheaded without question and the man would be dishonored for life, allowing a woman to save his life.

[No… it's nothing like that…]

His words came slowly and hinted at his nervousness and excitement all at the same time.

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[Your hands… it as smooth as I've imagined it… and you're beautiful… too beautiful that it took my breath away… I am just speechless… seeing you from a distance is nothing like seeing you face to face… it… it's…]

Blinking in surprise, I felt the similar tugging feeling in my chest as he said such embarrassing words to me. The young man perhaps is truly infatuated with me to run all the way to the youkai mountain for me…

Love, perhaps as history said that it would, can really overcome all odds.

[You're kind too… much too kind to even want to save a scumbag like me… a playboy like me… I am sure you heard of the rumors of me in the village…]

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Shaking his head, I saw his head drop down in shame like his father but I could sense too, the strong emotions that he was expressing to me and it made me dizzier and dizzier.

[… you wouldn't want to marry a worthless man like me… but I promise, I promise that I would change!! If you would give me the chance!! I swear, upon my family name that I would change!!]

[Eh!]

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From my side of the room, I was totally taken aback when I saw that the young man was on his knees and that he was bowing so deeply that his forehead touched the ground.

[W-Wait!! D-Don't do that, I… I don't deserve such respect!]

Getting up, I pulled aside the screen door and I helped him back to his feet, his face flushed and panting uncontrollably.

[Please… I do not deserve this…]

Looking away, I blushed even more when his arms grabbed my shoulders and he forced me to look at his eyes, imploring me with all his might to give him a chance.

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[Please, Kamishirasawa!! Give me a chance! I really do love you… the mere thought of you drive me insane… a moment without you is a moment of pain and suffering for me… So please… please give me the chance to prove my worth to you!]

In the room with a young man in love, I was at a loss to what to say and all I could feel was my heart beating faster and faster and my face growing redder and redder after realizing the close proximity we are to one another.

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His eyes, so vivid in their emotions made me unable to say no and my mouth opened unwittingly, ready to say yes.

[I… I…]

[Please, Kamishirasawa!! Give me just one chance!!]

Pleading with me again, it occurred to me how desperate this young man is to gain my favor and my affection as he had placed everything on the line, his family name, his honor and his life for me.

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Such dedication… can I ever match that and love him in return him?

Love is something that is taboo to me, never could anyone accept me for who I am, half human and half youkai… a paradox of nature. The youkai scorn me and the humans hate me…. I am always alone, unique in my little world.

[E-Even if I do not appear what I seem to be?]

[?]

[… there are things about me that… are different…]

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Looking away from him, I slowly pushed him away as I shuffled nervously, my hands clutching themselves in my nervousness.

Would he accept me for who I am? Maybe… just maybe I would get the chance to fall in love… just once..

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[Would you accept me?]

[Y-YES of course!! I love you, everything part of you Kamishirasawa!! I am willing to accept all of you… everything about you… that is a vow I swear on my family name!]

[… ah…]

Lowering my head, I felt happy, truly happy that something like this has happened to me. Like much of history, it is like the blessing from the calamity… something good out of something bad…

[…. ….]

Turning to face him again, I once more looked at his features and decided that he really is a little handsome and cute.

..

..

[Everything of me?]

[yes… everything of you, Kamishirasawa! I would go to the ends of the earth for you… I… I want to share my life with you, not you share my life with me…]

[T-Then I…]

[I would protect you from those despicable youkai so that you would live in peace!]

[!!!]

..

..

Looking away in horror, I realized my happiness was short-lived and I broke out in cold sweat.

[… ah…]

..

_Youkai will forever cause disasters… Humans will never trust youkai…_

..

[…]

Sensing my obvious disappointment, the young man paused and waited for my answer to his pleadings, his arms still trembling on my shoulder.

[… I'm sorry…]

Hearing my apology must be a bombshell for him as he just froze and slowly, his head dropped and his fingers withdrew from mine as I stood up and excused myself, biting my lip and trying not to cry.

..

..

[… give me some time…]

My words signaled a little hope for him and I felt a little better for him as he nodded his head and shouted.

[Give me a chance, Kamishirasawa!!!]

..

……

..

..

As I ran towards my home, the tears finally flowed freely and I felt sadness like I've never experienced before.

They said that getting over one's first love is the hardest of all but it is even harder when the chance for happiness was rudely and prematurely snatched away from me before it can begin.

..

..

I hate my lineage and hate myself for who I am…

If I could, I would just like to have a chance to fall in love… even if it was a day…

For that glorious one hour, I had felt that love might indeed be possible for me but in the end, it proved to be an elusive search before it had even begun…

[… …]

..

..

Another weird thing is that, the emotions that I felt when he was staring straight into my eyes, the same tightening of my chest was identical to what I felt when I met the Immortal girl in my secret retreat…

[… should… I go and see her, tonight?]

* * *

..

..

Without realizing it, I was on my way out of my home, drifting like a ghost as I reached the forest. I had barely cleaned myself up and I was sure I was looking very ragged and torn-up.

Still, I hoped that at least she would understand me, a human with the powers of a youkai… my pain of never being able to live with humans peacefully, never allowing myself to be close to humans in fear of their rejection.

..

..

As it was not the full moon, I was part-human and part youkai and as I reached the secret spot, I felt my chest tighten and I smiled in anticipation when I smelt the tell-tale sign of burning clothes from the vicinity.

She was here and she probably had taken resident in the little corner by accident a month ago when I was away from the elusive spot away from humans.

..

..

Taking small steps so as not to alarm her, I peeped from behind a tree and I was promptly rewarded with the sight of her sitting on the same spot as she did a few weeks ago. She was staring up at the night sky with a passive face that betrayed nothing beside utter calmness.

[H-Hey…]

Calling out to her, I smiled gingerly at her when her neck snapped back to look at me.

[I-]

..

..

Before I could finish my sentence, she had stood up and bolted away into the forests, not even stopping to look back as her retreating form was swallowed by the forest and in a matter of seconds, I could not see her anymore.

[Ahh…]

Forlornly, my hand dropped and I lowered my head in disappointment.

She must not have realized that it was me those few weeks ago and I could not blame her. I look quite different when I am human and when I am youkai. My horns and my eyes are my most distinctive features but one more thing was that I grew more, my shoulders beefing up slightly that made me look more beast-like than human.

In my human form, I am petite and a perfect model of a lady in her mid-twenties.

..

..

The differences were great and I do not blame her at all… even so, what she did was like a sword cutting through me and it felt intensely painful.

Why would I felt so much pain when I was rejected by her? Was it due to the fact that she is the only person in the world that I believe would actually know how I felt?

Or was it another feeling altogether, just like the elder's son's affection towards me…

Was it something so strong and simple that it had escaped my attention?

..

..

[… no… the both of us are girls after all…]

Shaking my head, I dismissed that incredulous idea and decided that perhaps she was too afraid of humans to avoid me, a human that chanced upon the spot by accident.

[…]

Raising my head, I sighed and just shook my head before taking my usual spot in the grassy spot. The wind blew against my face and I slowly relaxed and laid on my back, staring at the stars once more.

Ancients had once fixated their eyes on the stars as well, asking themselves whether gods and goddesses live in the heavens. Now as history has proven, calamities has been more or less been signified by heavenly bodies.

..

..

The rain creating floods, the sun creating droughts, the appearance of a comet as a bad omen, shooting stars signifying the death of someone important to you…

As I watched the heavens, I prayed softly for perhaps the first time in my life, praying that at least someone in the heavens would hear my call…

_History teaches me, history shows me what to do, but…_

_History does not show me my fate…_

_History does not show me my future…_

_Let me… please, under the skies… can I make one selfish wish…_

_Even if I have to sacrifice something dear to me…_

_Even if it might cost me my life…_

_Let me meet the person who would show me my purpose to live in this world…_

--


	3. Chapter 3

**Finding History with Your Flame**

**Chapter 3: Of being Human**

* * *

..

..

[…]

Life passed as normal, the usual casual days never failed to come and as I looked out the windows, I saw the gentle passing of spring and the Sakura blossoms float about in the spring breeze, marking the start of the flower viewing season.

[… ? Children… pay attention…]

Shaking my head, I realized that it is nearing the season for play for the children as well and it would be difficult for them to concentrate.

[… Oh alright, class is dismissed early today… go home and prepare for the Flower Viewing with your family.]

Shaking my head, I laughed cheerfully when the children all stood up and cheered in the top of their lungs.

..

..

[YAAAAAAAY~]

[But, remember to do your homework!]

I was certain that phrase fell to deaf ears as the classroom had never cleared as quickly as it did today. Within a few seconds of the scream, the children were running out of the class.

[… honestly… those children…]

I could not help but laugh and smile at their innocence and desire to play that I could not bear to remind them again.

..

..

[I'll just have to remind their parents… tomorrow…]

Resting my head on the table, I massaged my head to stop the reoccurring headache that had made me wince with pain for the past few days. My workload was quickly piling up due to the end of the Studying period. I have to mark papers, set exams and invigilate the growth of the children all by myself and it was taking a toll on me.

[The full moon is a week away… I would have more work to do then…]

..

..

Every full moon, beside escaping into the forests, my powers would awaken prematurely on the day of the full moon and I have to record the history of the month into the records and engrave it permanently into the History Scroll passed to me by the Hieda Household.

[… it has been a chaotic month…]

Two long and agonizing months has passed since my last meeting with the girl in the forest and I was happy to see her last month again on the night of the full moon.

I made a point to visit the same reclusive spot every week or so but I was only rewarded with either the Girl escaping back into the forests or it being empty.

With a heavy heart I had returned to the spot on the night of the full-moon and I was pleasantly surprised when I saw her and of her greeting me with a soft 'hello'.

Sitting beside her, she told me almost immediately that she was worried about the human who was visiting the spot regularly and warned me to be careful about her.

..

..

That made my guess quite accurate and I felt a little better at knowing that but at the same time, made me feel a little guilty for hiding the truth from her, that I am a youkai and a human at the same time.

_[… hey… what if I was like you?]_

_[?]_

_[Human… and a youkai…]_

_[Not possible… you're a youkai… and I like you this way.]_

..

..

Smiling as she said that, I felt my heart quickened at that sight and I found myself unable to tell the truth to her anymore. Still, I still made it a point to visit that spot when I was human once in a while to stop her putting one and one together to determine or even suspect that I am Human masquerading as youkai.

[Kamishirasawa!]

Another change in my otherwise normal life was the presence of the village elder's son. He has been around and about the village, helping in everything he could possibly find time with, in the process increasing his confidence and the overall tarnished image he has.

He is humble, hardworking and more serious about work now. I had caught his eyes several times after a few weeks of my rejection but he has never mustered the courage to speak to me face to face again.

After class, I would stay behind to mark the papers and from the School's window, I would see him toiling at the fields, helping the elderly Village Head to pluck the weeds and later at the end of the day, help the woman of the village to draw water.

He is hardworking and throughout the two months, I have seen him turn tan, stronger and more rugged…

..

..

Never have I seen someone so dedicated and so sworn to his promise that I felt a little awkward to say the least when the Village Elder told me that all he was doing was for my sake.

_[He keeps saying that he would never be good enough for someone like you, Kamishirasawa… that shows how much respect he has for you…]_

His words haunted me like nothing ever before and I found myself ever so often staring at the young man who had claimed that he has fallen for me.

[… …]

Turning away from the window, I sighed and turned back to my work, content in the fact that at the very least, I still had a little time for me to make my decision.

[I just have to get this done…]

..

..

Deciding that it was for the best not to allow other thoughts to get the better of me now, I concentrated and started on my marking.

…

…….

* * *

[?]

Stepping outside for a breather after three straight hours of marking, I sat by the school's door and closed my eyes, wanting to rest my body in preparation of the long night ahead where I have to set the student's records straight before the annual Flower Viewing festival would take place.

[…]

Looking up, I was surprised and shocked that a few of the village girls had gathered around me and waiting for me to wake up.

[! Ah… did you need me for something?]

Blushing as I got up, I dusted myself off before waiting for them to speak. They fidgeted nervously before replying, something that I am accustomed to as for the rest of the woman, I was the only one who was frightfully independent and they looked at me as if I am a role model or a curse to the village.

..

..

[we were about to ask you for your time in helping for the annual Flower viewing dinner, Kamishirasawa!]

Bowing their heads politely, they kept their heads bowed as if I was a princess and I hurriedly asked them not to bow to me.

[I am not worthy of such respect from all of you… and yes, I would dearly like to help with the preparations… if time permits of course… I would inform you about it, say… next week?]

Smiling as I reassured them that I am not as pompous as they had imagined me to be, I exchanged a few words of conversation and was laughing with them at the end of a few minutes of conversation.

..

..

[Say, Kamishirasawa!]

[Yes?]

[The Village Elder's son… what do you think about him?]

[Eh!]

I had not expected that question at all and it came as surprise to me that the women would start asking such sensitive questions.

Sad to say, I must have looked really silly for a moment as I was unable to answer her question. Various thoughts about the many things that had changed about him went through my mind and I for a second was totally confused on what kind of person he is.

Was he really a playboy, toying with women like things or is he the hardworking young man that had apparently charmed the women in the village with his gentlemanly ways.

..

..

[We think he is very handsome…]

[And we know that he likes you, Kamishirasawa!]

Crowding around me, the women gossiped around me and that made me feel even less comfortable with being in such close contact and being so friendly with people.

[So we would like to know… whether you like him! He's very pitiful… working so hard just to catch your eyes…]

[Eh… he's..]

[Everyday we could see him looking at the School, Kamishirasawa! He's really pining for you, I feel so sorry for him..]

[… everyone, came to see me just because of that?]

..

..

Placing a hand on my chest in surprise, I would not have wagered on this happening but the young man's popularity sure has grown as he had most of the village's women rooting for him now.

[He is really pitiful, Kamishirasawa… when I see him alone, he would be always be muttering under his breath about you…]

Shaking their heads, it seemed as though I am the villain now and I backed off nervously from them.

[I… I… well…]

[So, so how is it! How do you feel about him, Kamishirasawa-san!]

..

..

Being stared at from all corners and having nowhere to run I was literally forced to make a decision right now, admitting whether did I felt any hint of affection or romantic interest for that poor young man.

[…]

But it is such a hard decision to make as it will quite likely decide much of the rest of my life if I made the wrong decision.

[… I-I… well…]

Looking away, I begged them to leave me alone but they just pressed on, totally ignoring the subtle hints that I was giving them and I sighed.

[… I… do find him… interesting… that is all…]

..

..

Brushing pass them as I made that remark, I covered my face with my hands as I ran straight for my house, not wanting to face anyone for the time being.

[Is… falling in love so difficult?]

Wondering to myself as I sat in my little room, I pulled at my clothes as I pondered on the question.

Life has been good, not wonderful but it is sufficient for plain old me. Having someone to love would… probably make it better, I reasoned with myself.

[… If I really fell in love with him… what would it feel like?]

..

..

..

Over the ages, history has recorded that love has triumphed over a majority of obstacles and it is not just a stroll in the park.

Love brings difficulties and it might not always be blissful.

What is constant thou, is the crazy and unimaginable things that people will do in the name of love…

[…. He is one example too…]

Laughing softly to myself, I got up and headed for the door, not to meet him but to get my books, which in my hurry I had forgotten to take with me.

Following the same path as usual, I kept a sharp lookout for the girl in the woods and was disappointed again when I saw that she was not anywhere near the vicinity.

[… I wonder what she would say about my predicament now?]

..

..

Wondering aloud, I stopped and for a moment, turned to look at the village, basked in the evening sun and smiled to myself.

All was the same, peaceful and tranquil and I hope it will stay that way…

Gensokyo is truly a wonderful place to live in, youkai or no…

…

……

* * *

..

..

[?]

Reaching the classroom, I stopped in surprise when I saw a couple of children hanging around the classroom, clutching their little books as they peeped nervously into the classroom.

[What's wrong, children?]

Asking them as I reached them, the children froze and slowly turned to face me. Little trembling hands dropped their textbooks and they hurriedly apologized to me.

[We are sorry, Sensei!]

[Sorry, Sensei!]

[Come now… what is there to be sorry about…]

..

..

Smiling and wiping the tears from their eyes, I dismissed their apologies with a smile and instead reach for the door.

[No! Sensei you can't go in!]

Stopping me, the children latched on my arm and slowly dragged me away from the school but I was adamant about going in, after all I am the teacher and they are my students, not the other way around.

[No Sensei! You can't go in! Really!]

[Now… if you tell me why I can't go in, I'll consider it.]

Squatting down to his level, I smiled and patted his head as he visibly struggled to answer me.

[No no… I will be breaking a promise!]

[…]

..

..

Blinking at his response, I internally wondered why someone would keep me out of my own school but I immediately decided that it did not matter.

[If you're not going to tell me, I'm going in and you are not going to stop me.]

Sternly reprimanding him, I gently coaxed the group of them to give way despite their process but in the end, they all gave in.

[… okay sensei…]

..

..

With the obstacles now away, I pushed open the door and was promptly surprised and amused at what I saw in the class.

There, sleeping over a child's desk was the Village Elder's son. He was sound asleep and he did not even stir when I walk right to right beside him.

[My.. my…]

..

..

Surprise was one way to express my emotions then but another way to describe would be extremely amusing. Such a sight, a grown young man sleeping in a children's classroom.

Never in my wildest dream would I imagine seeing this, perhaps he was thrown out of his house?

Sitting at the desk directly in front of him, I studied him for a moment.

His once pale face, renown for being similar to a girl is now tanned and rugged. He sported a little beard and it was obvious that he was sweating profusely the whole day as I could smell the overpowering scent of his sweat. The same could be said for his clothes, which was caked with mud and vegetation.

[… you've been working hard…]

..

..

Seeing how hard working he is, I am reluctant to give a straight out no to him now… he has indeed changed for the better and it seems he has gotten popular due to that too. The women like him and the village's elderly like him too as he is always helping them. The most impressive of all was that he has abstained from womanizing completely.

[…]

But all that hard work only reflected outward changes in his behavior, I could never fully understand his heart… how dedicate he was to me..

Or rather, I am just avoiding it…

[… stupid…]

..

..

Scratching my head, my heart had long ago gave up arguing with my mind and was waiting for the perfect opportune moment to break it to me.

[… I should really give you a chance…]

Smiling, I leaned over him and planted a small kiss on his cheek before retreating out the room.

Human emotions are a funny thing, intoxicating in its wealth of getting to know companionship, happiness, bliss, sadness, jealousy, motivation, the power of faith. Of course the most damning and rewarding of all must be love and hatred.

It is difficult to find the thin line between love and hatred but I am sure that the both of them share the same extreme influx of emotions that plague us for life.

..

..

We would never forget love and hatred and that is something that goes through and stays true for the ages.

Being devoid of human emotions is a good thing too, not knowing what is worry, what is danger and what is happiness… Forces of nature do not need emotions or pain or knowledge, we just exists.

Being half youkai and half human, I experience the best of both worlds… knowing that my death is not easily achievable and having the benefit and curse of human emotions.

My heart has won over my mind again, exposing myself to him and his advances even though I know I might just be opening myself up to pain and suffering.

..

..

History has shown that happily ever after is not always achievable.

For someone like me, who has the best of both worlds… am I allowed to taste love too?

Taking my books with me, I sat in front of the table and sighed as I could not for the life of me kept my focus on the task at hand.

Unwittingly, he had slipped into my life without me noticing. The glances that I would shoot at his direction within the few days after 'encountering' him at school had set something off inside me.

It had became quite a habit of mine to look out the window and try to find him just like how I would try and find the girl in the forests.

He is dedicated to me, that I am certain as he is indeed changing himself for the better, all in the sake of reaching a level of competence to talk to me again.

..

..

Placing me in such respect, to the point in which he values me more than his personal honor, he is truly… truly willing to change.

I believe people call it, 'touched'?

I am touched by his actions, his willingness to change and perhaps, maybe just maybe, one day that can change to admiration and finally love for him?

[… this is hopeless…]

I am unable to concentrate… his sad smile kept me awake at night as I rejected him. At that time, I was afraid that he would reject me for being youkai but now, I am not certain…

..

..

If his love held true and is strong enough… perhaps… just perhaps…

[Should I… give him a chance and… give me a chance…?]

Asking myself that question, I quickly stopped myself from going too far as I knew too that I would outlive him… he would die before me…

Is it worth the pain I would feel…

[… I'm just avoiding the question as well…]

Even though I am the keeper of history, the future is not known to me… who knows of the fate that will befall me if I fell in love for him… would I feel pain if he left? Would I even outlive him?

All those are variables… but I do know one thing…

..

..

[I wouldn't regret… for a moment… I would never regret.]

Leaving my home, I slowly walked towards the village, my whole body shaking with a mixture of determination and fear.

* * *

..

..

On that fateful evening, seeing him sprawled over the classroom, I had already affirmed that he was indeed, truly in love with me… How deep it is, will have to be gauge at a later date.

He is truly amazing, able to touch me in the most creative and unexpected ways.

Desperate in trying to catch up with my level, he has resorted to learning from the basics. Males of his generation rarely, if ever studies and as a result, they are mostly all action no talk and no knowledge what so ever.

Sneaking in to class after my lesson after work to study…. Telling the children not to tell me… all that, just to be in the same level as me… to face me… to be able to tell me that: 'I have changed!'

All that, just for me to give him a chance…

[… weird… am I … crying?]

..

..

Feeling drops of tear drop down my cheeks, I paused for a moment as I stood on the path that lead to the village and the other side to the forest.

[… …]

It is so weird, so unexpected that two small things that have happened in the past few months would have such an impact on me. It was as if the life that I had lead before does not matter at all and this is the start of my real life.

Spying the girl from the forests and growing a kind of fondness for her… meeting the elder's son and slowly finding love for him…

My youkai self and my human self must be applauding me right now, to be able to juggle my life separately, youkai and human.

..

_Youkai will always cause disasters, humans will never trust youkai._

_..  
_

As one, who is from both worlds… it is something close to a miracle… to be able to touch the two sides of my life so easily.

Small changes do not change the world, my life or anything else by themselves… they just snowball and are intricately linked to one another, leading finally to the end result.

Change will always be with us, it is just how one deals with it… as a keeper of history, I am glad to say that I had learnt from mistakes from the past.

..

..

[… …hello…]

Knocking softly on the door, I quickly pushed it open, not wanting to give him the chance to run away or prevent me from entering.

[K-Kamishirasawa!]

Jumping up in fright, the young man blushed crimson, something that I could see even in the darkness and I giggled, amused at his lack of finesse.

[A-Ah.. I, I got to go!]

..

..

Getting up, he hurriedly tried to keep all the books he had amassed in front of him but in his hurry he knocked half of them to the floor including the candle he was using to read them by.

[AH!]

Squatting down, he tried to pick up all the books as I calmly walked towards him. I did not know how I appeared to him but he stopped in his tracks when he saw me walking towards him, smiling at him as I bent down and touched his hands.

[…]

[K-Kamishirasawa?]

Looking at his stunned features, I once again wondered how did this, this human that I did not have a good first impression of, managed to worm inside my heart somehow and develop such a change in me.

..

..

[I… I know how you changed… I saw your effort…]

Trembling, he dropped his books and his mouth dropped wide open for a moment before he looked away and backed off.

[… I… I'm not good enough yet… not good enough for you, Kamishirasawa… I… I can never match up to someone like you…]

Dishonoring his own name and family by admitting that a woman is better than him, he lowered his head and continued.

[I can't write… I can't do anything… I'm just learning… J-Just give me more time…]

[… give yourself a chance…]

..

..

Still smiling, I helped him gather all the books and placed them back on the desk before extending a hand out to him while placing a hand on my chest.

[You're working hard… I know you are studying… studying for my sake… I… I have never seen anyone do that for my sake… willing to change so much… so…]

Taking my hand, I helped him up and whispered softly to his ears.

[… I will give you a chance… one chance… that is all that you will ever need…]

..

..

The look of confusion on his face changed to happiness in a heartbeat and he hugged me tightly, so tightly that I lost all my breath, still it was not a bad feeling altogether, feeling my heart beat faster and the blood rush to my face as he did so.

[… hey… that's a little too fast…]

Pushing him gently, I broke away from his hug and backed off, after all, I had not truly fallen in love with him, it is just a start… a start of perhaps my most important relationship yet.

[… Maybe I'll fall in love with you… just maybe…]

..

..

Winking at him as I swept out of the room, I giggled to myself at how he looked as I left the room but at the same time, I wanted to calm my beating heart at doing something so daring.

[… have I done the right thing?]

The time left to the day of the full moon and the hanami viewing is just a few days away…


	4. Chapter 4

**Finding History with your Flame**

**Chapter 4: Of Traditions and New Beliefs**

**written by: wrathie**

**Author's Notes: I'm a supporter of Equality of Genders.**

**I will update soon. But before that. There is a special one, time, deal. There will be an Omake for the next chapter, an utterly random one of my own whim. The first 5 reviews will get to ask the Author, me, any questions that they like and I will answer them to the best of my abilities. **

**The same goes to my other ongoing fanfic, 'The Shrine of Gensokyo' so for those who are interested, review guys~**

**

* * *

..  
**

..

..Ancient Traditions has always placed females below males and I had long ago accepted that fact. Even for me, a half-youkai, I would have to follow those rules, being slightly oppressed by the dominant male society. Maybe that is why I am coldly treated by the majority of the males in the village while warmly welcomed by the females…

It is the sheer thought of a woman doing something equivalent to a Male's occupation, teaching and having the ability to be revered as the head of an established house that had them up in arms.

...

..

Shocking was hardly the word I would use to describe the situation at hand. If I could, I would rather say that I am flabbergasted, speechless and… whatever words I could use to express how unexpected I was in the elder's proposal.

[A-A M-marriage?]

My voice reaching a higher range then I had expected it to, I covered my mouth to hide my embarrassment and shock at the bombshell that had just been dropped on me by the elder.

..

..

[Of course… my son had admitted in taking a liking to you, Kamishirasawa.]

Nodding his head, he shook his head as he remarked to me.

[He is a foolish boy, all brawns but no brawns… lusting after woman as if they are his…]

Lowering his head in shame, the elder apologized to me as he explained himself.

[I would never have allowed this to happen… I am strongly against such a scumbag ever touching a quaint and beautiful lady like yourself… you do clearly have the right to have a better choice in the village.]

..

..

Shaking his head, he did not allow me to say anything more by raising a hand up to stop me.

[It is the Kamishirasawa house that had made the decision after meeting up with my son… I… rather you talk to him to find the answer…]

Taking his leave, he closed the sliding doors that would separate me and him and left me alone to my very confused and unhappy thoughts.

..

..

...

_Marriage… this is something that I had not experienced even in the three generations before me…_

_Would it be nice… to fall in love?_

_.._

_.._

_..  
_

Wondering to myself, I guarded myself as I was reminded of the Village's elder's warnings. The young man is foolish and like a playboy, always searching for woman like they were his belongings and I would not want to suffer this fate.

..

..

[…]

The sound of the sliding door closing signaled his arrival and to my surprise, I felt my heart beat a little faster when I saw his silhouette on the other side of the paper door.

[Kamishirasawa…]

His voice floated over to my side and I responded quickly, too quickly I reminded myself when I heard him laugh a little.

[Yes?]

[…]

..

..

Silence befalls us for a moment as I felt a little uncomfortable to say the least. I was not mentally or physically prepared to meet him, not to mention even talking about this engagement that would literally tie me down to him for the rest of his life, not mine.

[I've heard a lot about you, Kamishirasawa… how you are the most intelligent and the most beautiful girl in the village.]

[…]

Listening to him phrase me, I was not impressed as I had heard the same lines before as he had tried to court other girls in the village.

..

..

[It is said that no one can compare to the jewel of the Kamishirasawa clan, the most beautiful elder daughter ever… I was skeptical at first but when I first saw you, even if it is just a glimpse of you as you entered school, I felt my heart beat faster than I had ever done before… I… I do not know how to describe this feeling…]

..

..

He was energetically talking at the other end of the screen and I studied him closely, wanting to discover his true intent in wanting to marry me.

Was it due to money? Was it due to true love?

All this, I must know…

..

..

[I can only say that is true love… Kamishirasawa… I had not experienced something as vivid and powerful as the feelings I have for you now! I can run mountains for you… and believe me, I tried! I ran all the way to Youkai Mountain to pick the legendary suzuran flower…]

[That's poisonous!]

Breaking the screen door in my hurry to get the flower away from him, I took the flower and ran out the door with it before depositing it in the yard and burning it.

[…]

Breathing a sigh of relief when I was certain that the poison is not going to hurt anyone in anyway, I headed back meekly to the Elder's house, apologizing for what I had done.

Instead of being angry, I found the Elder's Son transfixed in looking at his hands. Looking at it as if it were a pair of his treasures.

[… I… I apologize for being so rude…]

Covering my face, I hurriedly ran to the other side of the screen door and slammed it shut, knowing full well that doing that was as useless as using paper to hide a fire.

..

..

..

A woman should never be so disrespectful to a man and what I have just done is like a capital crime, even if what I had done had saved his life. If it was the older days, I would be hauled off to be beheaded without question and the man would be dishonored for life, allowing a woman to save his life.

[No… it's nothing like that…]

His words came slowly and hinted at his nervousness and excitement all at the same time.

[Your hands… it as smooth as I've imagined it… and you're beautiful… too beautiful that it took my breath away… I am just speechless… seeing you from a distance is nothing like seeing you face to face… it… it's…]

..

..

Blinking in surprise, I felt the similar tugging feeling in my chest as he said such embarrassing words to me. The young man perhaps is truly infatuated with me to run all the way to the youkai mountain for me…

Love, perhaps as history said that it would, can really overcome all odds.

..

..

[You're kind too… much too kind to even want to save a scumbag like me… a playboy like me… I am sure you heard of the rumors of me in the village…]

Shaking his head, I saw his head drop down in shame like his father but I could sense too, the strong emotions that he was expressing to me and it made me dizzier and dizzier.

[… you wouldn't want to marry a worthless man like me… but I promise, I promise that I would change! If you would give me the chance! I swear, upon my family name that I would change!]

[Eh!]

..

..

..

From my side of the room, I was totally taken aback when I saw that the young man was on his knees and that he was bowing so deeply that his forehead touched the ground.

[W-Wait! D-Don't do that, I… I don't deserve such respect!]

Getting up, I pulled aside the screen door and I helped him back to his feet, his face flushed and panting uncontrollably.

[Please… I do not deserve this…]

Looking away, I blushed even more when his arms grabbed my shoulders and he forced me to look at his eyes, imploring me with all his might to give him a chance.

..

..

..

[Please, Kamishirasawa! Give me a chance! I really do love you… the mere thought of you drive me insane… a moment without you is a moment of pain and suffering for me… So please… please give me the chance to prove my worth to you!]

In the room with a young man in love, I was at a loss to what to say and all I could feel was my heart beating faster and faster and my face growing redder and redder after realizing the close proximity we are to one another.

His eyes, so vivid in their emotions made me unable to say no and my mouth opened unwittingly, ready to say yes.

..

..

[I… I…]

[Please, Kamishirasawa! Give me just one chance!]

Pleading with me again, it occurred to me how desperate this young man is to gain my favor and my affection as he had placed everything on the line, his family name, his honor and his life for me.

Such dedication… can I ever match that and love him in return him?

..

..

..

Love is something that is taboo to me, never could anyone accept me for who I am, half human and half youkai… a paradox of nature. The youkai scorn me and the humans hate me…. I am always alone, unique in my little world.

..

..

..

[E-Even if I do not appear what I seem to be?]

[?]

[… there are things about me that… are different…]

Looking away from him, I slowly pushed him away as I shuffled nervously, my hands clutching themselves in my nervousness.

Would he accept me for who I am? Maybe… just maybe I would get the chance to fall in love… just once..

[Would you accept me?]

[Y-YES of course! I love you, everything part of you Kamishirasawa! I am willing to accept all of you… everything about you… that is a vow I swear on my family name!]

[… ah…]

..

..

..

Lowering my head, I felt happy, truly happy that something like this has happened to me. Like much of history, it is like the blessing from the calamity… something good out of something bad…

[…. ….]

Turning to face him again, I once more looked at his features and decided that he really is a little handsome and cute.

[Everything of me?]

[yes… everything of you, Kamishirasawa! I would go to the ends of the earth for you… I… I want to share my life with you, not you share my life with me…]

[T-Then I…]

..

..

..

**[I would protect you from those despicable youkai so that you would live in peace!]**

..

..

..

[!]

..

..

..

Looking away in horror, I realized my happiness was short-lived and I broke out in cold sweat.

[… ah…]

..

..

..

_Youkai will forever cause disasters… Humans will never trust youkai…_

_.._

_..  
_

[…]

Sensing my obvious disappointment, the young man paused and waited for my answer to his pleadings, his arms still trembling on my shoulder.

..

..

[… I'm sorry…]

..

..

Hearing my apology must be a bombshell for him as he just froze and slowly, his head dropped and his fingers withdrew from mine as I stood up and excused myself, biting my lip and trying not to cry.

[… give me some time…]

My words signaled a little hope for him and I felt a little better for him as he nodded his head and shouted.

[Give me a chance, Kamishirasawa!]

..

…

..

..

As I ran towards my home, the tears finally flowed freely and I felt sadness like I've never experienced before.

They said that getting over one's first love is the hardest of all but it is even harder when the chance for happiness was rudely and prematurely snatched away from me before it can begin.

I hate my lineage and hate myself for who I am…

If I could, I would just like to have a chance to fall in love… even if it was a day…

..

..

For that glorious one hour, I had felt that love might indeed be possible for me but in the end, it proved to be an elusive search before it had even begun…

..

..

[… …]

Another weird thing is that, the emotions that I felt when he was staring straight into my eyes, the same tightening of my chest was identical to what I felt when I met the Immortal girl in my secret retreat…

[… should… I go and see her, tonight?]

* * *

..

..

..

Without realizing it, I was on my way out of my home, drifting like a ghost as I reached the forest. I had barely cleaned myself up and I was sure I was looking very ragged and torn-up. Still, I hoped that at least she would understand me, a human with the powers of a youkai… my pain of never being able to live with humans peacefully, never allowing myself to be close to humans in fear of their rejection.

..

..

As it was not the full moon, I was part-human and part youkai and as I reached the secret spot, I felt my chest tighten and I smiled in anticipation when I smelt the tell-tale sign of burning clothes from the vicinity.

She was here and she probably had taken resident in the little corner by accident a month ago when I was away from the elusive spot away from humans.

..

..

Taking small steps so as not to alarm her, I peeped from behind a tree and I was promptly rewarded with the sight of her sitting on the same spot as she did a few weeks ago. She was staring up at the night sky with a passive face that betrayed nothing beside utter calmness.

[H-Hey…]

Calling out to her, I smiled gingerly at her when her neck snapped back to look at me.

[I-]

Before I could finish my sentence, she had stood up and bolted away into the forests, not even stopping to look back as her retreating form was swallowed by the forest and in a matter of seconds, I could not see her anymore.

[Ahh…]

Forlornly, my hand dropped and I lowered my head in disappointment.

..

..

She must not have realized that it was me those few weeks ago and I could not blame her. I look quite different when I am human and when I am youkai. My horns and my eyes are my most distinctive features but one more thing was that I grew more, my shoulders beefing up slightly that made me look more beast-like than human.

In my human form, I am petite and a perfect model of a lady in her mid-twenties.

The differences were great and I do not blame her at all… even so, what she did was like a sword cutting through me and it felt intensely painful.

..

..

Why would I felt so much pain when I was rejected by her? Was it due to the fact that she is the only person in the world that I believe would actually know how I felt?

Or was it another feeling altogether, just like the elder's son's affection towards me…

Was it something so strong and simple that it had escaped my attention?

..

..

[… no… the both of us are girls after all…]

Shaking my head, I dismissed that incredulous idea and decided that perhaps she was too afraid of humans to avoid me, a human that chanced upon the spot by accident.

[…]

Raising my head, I sighed and just shook my head before taking my usual spot in the grassy spot. The wind blew against my face and I slowly relaxed and laid on my back, staring at the stars once more.

..

..

Ancients had once fixated their eyes on the stars as well, asking themselves whether gods and goddesses live in the heavens. Now as history has proven, calamities has been more or less been signified by heavenly bodies.

The rain creating floods, the sun creating droughts, the appearance of a comet as a bad omen, shooting stars signifying the death of someone important to you…

As I watched the heavens, I prayed softly for perhaps the first time in my life, praying that at least someone in the heavens would hear my call…

..

..

..

_History teaches me, history shows me what to do, but…_

_History does not show me my fate…_

_History does not show me my future…_

_Let me… please, under the skies… can I make one selfish wish…_

_Even if I have to sacrifice something dear to me…_

_Even if it might cost me my life…_

_Let me meet the person who would show me my purpose to live in this world…_

_ .._

_..  
_

* * *

**Author's Notes: Everyone has the right for love, even if you're lonely. Even if you're different. Even if it is impossible.**

**Even if it is only once. Even if it's only temporary...**

**Even if it will never last...**

**Even if it will kill you.**

**Even if it will mean giving up everything.**

**Just remember, that you deserve to love.  
**


	5. Chapter 5

_**Finding History with your Flame**_

_**..  
**_

_**Chapter 4: Of Chances, New and Old**_

_**..**_

_**..  
**_

_**Author's Notes: R&R!~  
**_

* * *

..

[…]

Life passed as normal, the usual casual days never failed to come and as I looked out the windows, I saw the gentle passing of spring and the Sakura blossoms float about in the spring breeze, marking the start of the flower viewing season.

[… ? Children… pay attention…]

Shaking my head, I realized that it is nearing the season for play for the children as well and it would be difficult for them to concentrate.

[… Oh alright, class is dismissed early today… go home and prepare for the Flower Viewing with your family.]

Shaking my head, I laughed cheerfully when the children all stood up and cheered in the top of their lungs.

[YAAAAAAAY~]

[But, remember to do your homework!]

I was certain that phrase fell to deaf ears as the classroom had never cleared as quickly as it did today. Within a few seconds of the scream, the children were running out of the class.

[… honestly… those children…]

I could not help but laugh and smile at their innocence and desire to play that I could not bear to remind them again.

[I'll just have to remind their parents… tomorrow…]

Resting my head on the table, I massaged my head to stop the reoccurring headache that had made me wince with pain for the past few days. My workload was quickly piling up due to the end of the Studying period. I have to mark papers, set exams and invigilate the growth of the children all by myself and it was taking a toll on me.

..

..

[The full moon is a week away… I would have more work to do then…]

Every full moon, beside escaping into the forests, my powers would awaken prematurely on the day of the full moon and I have to record the history of the month into the records and engrave it permanently into the History Scroll passed to me by the Hieda Household.

[… it has been a chaotic month…]

..

..

Two long and agonizing months has passed since my last meeting with the girl in the forest and I was happy to see her last month again on the night of the full moon.

I made a point to visit the same reclusive spot every week or so but I was only rewarded with either the Girl escaping back into the forests or it being empty.

With a heavy heart I had returned to the spot on the night of the full-moon and I was pleasantly surprised when I saw her and of her greeting me with a soft 'hello'.

Sitting beside her, she told me almost immediately that she was worried about the human who was visiting the spot regularly and warned me to be careful about her.

..

..

That made my guess quite accurate and I felt a little better at knowing that but at the same time, made me feel a little guilty for hiding the truth from her, that I am a youkai and a human at the same time.

..

..

_[… hey… what if I was like you?]_

_[?]_

_[Human… and a youkai…]_

_[Not possible… you're a youkai… and I like you this way.]_

_.._

_..  
_

Smiling as she said that, I felt my heart quickened at that sight and I found myself unable to tell the truth to her anymore. Still, I still made it a point to visit that spot when I was human once in a while to stop her putting one and one together to determine or even suspect that I am Human masquerading as youkai.

..

..

[Kamishirasawa!]

Another change in my otherwise normal life was the presence of the village elder's son. He has been around and about the village, helping in everything he could possibly find time with, in the process increasing his confidence and the overall tarnished image he has.

He is humble, hardworking and more serious about work now. I had caught his eyes several times after a few weeks of my rejection but he has never mustered the courage to speak to me face to face again.

After class, I would stay behind to mark the papers and from the School's window, I would see him toiling at the fields, helping the elderly Village Head to pluck the weeds and later at the end of the day, help the woman of the village to draw water.

He is hardworking and throughout the two months, I have seen him turn tan, stronger and more rugged…

Never have I seen someone so dedicated and so sworn to his promise that I felt a little awkward to say the least when the Village Elder told me that all he was doing was for my sake.

..

..

_[He keeps saying that he would never be good enough for someone like you, Kamishirasawa… that shows how much respect he has for you…]_

_.._

_..  
_

His words haunted me like nothing ever before and I found myself ever so often staring at the young man who had claimed that he has fallen for me.

[… …]

Turning away from the window, I sighed and turned back to my work, content in the fact that at the very least, I still had a little time for me to make my decision.

[I just have to get this done…]

Deciding that it was for the best not to allow other thoughts to get the better of me now, I concentrated and started on my marking.

…

….

* * *

..

..

[?]

Stepping outside for a breather after three straight hours of marking, I sat by the school's door and closed my eyes, wanting to rest my body in preparation of the long night ahead where I have to set the student's records straight before the annual Flower Viewing festival would take place.

[…]

Looking up, I was surprised and shocked that a few of the village girls had gathered around me and waiting for me to wake up.

[! Ah… did you need me for something?]

Blushing as I got up, I dusted myself off before waiting for them to speak. They fidgeted nervously before replying, something that I am accustomed to as for the rest of the woman, I was the only one who was frightfully independent and they looked at me as if I am a role model or a curse to the village.

[we were about to ask you for your time in helping for the annual Flower viewing dinner, Kamishirasawa!]

..

..

Bowing their heads politely, they kept their heads bowed as if I was a princess and I hurriedly asked them not to bow to me.

[I am not worthy of such respect from all of you… and yes, I would dearly like to help with the preparations… if time permits of course… I would inform you about it, say… next week?]

Smiling as I reassured them that I am not as pompous as they had imagined me to be, I exchanged a few words of conversation and was laughing with them at the end of a few minutes of conversation.

..

..

[Say, Kamishirasawa!]

[Yes?]

[The Village Elder's son… what do you think about him?]

[Eh!]

..

..

I had not expected that question at all and it came as surprise to me that the women would start asking such sensitive questions.

Sad to say, I must have looked really silly for a moment as I was unable to answer her question. Various thoughts about the many things that had changed about him went through my mind and I for a second was totally confused on what kind of person he is.

Was he really a playboy, toying with women like things or is he the hardworking young man that had apparently charmed the women in the village with his gentlemanly ways.

..

..

[We think he is very handsome…]

[And we know that he likes you, Kamishirasawa!]

Crowding around me, the women gossiped around me and that made me feel even less comfortable with being in such close contact and being so friendly with people.

[So we would like to know… whether you like him! He's very pitiful… working so hard just to catch your eyes…]

[Eh… he's..]

[Everyday we could see him looking at the School, Kamishirasawa! He's really pining for you, I feel so sorry for him..]

..

..

[… everyone, came to see me just because of that?]

Placing a hand on my chest in surprise, I would not have wagered on this happening but the young man's popularity sure has grown as he had most of the village's women rooting for him now.

[He is really pitiful, Kamishirasawa… when I see him alone, he would be always be muttering under his breath about you…]

Shaking their heads, it seemed as though I am the villain now and I backed off nervously from them.

[I… I… well…]

[So, so how is it! How do you feel about him, Kamishirasawa-san!]

..

..

Being stared at from all corners and having nowhere to run I was literally forced to make a decision right now, admitting whether did I felt any hint of affection or romantic interest for that poor young man.

[…]

But it is such a hard decision to make as it will quite likely decide much of the rest of my life if I made the wrong decision.

[… I-I… well…]

Looking away, I begged them to leave me alone but they just pressed on, totally ignoring the subtle hints that I was giving them and I sighed.

[… I… do find him… interesting… that is all…]

Brushing pass them as I made that remark, I covered my face with my hands as I ran straight for my house, not wanting to face anyone for the time being.

..

* * *

..

..

[Is… falling in love so difficult?]

Wondering to myself as I sat in my little room, I pulled at my clothes as I pondered on the question.

Life has been good, not wonderful but it is sufficient for plain old me. Having someone to love would… probably make it better, I reasoned with myself.

[… If I really fell in love with him… what would it feel like?]

Over the ages, history has recorded that love has triumphed over a majority of obstacles and it is not just a stroll in the park.

Love brings difficulties and it might not always be blissful.

What is constant thou, is the crazy and unimaginable things that people will do in the name of love…

[…. He is one example too…]

Laughing softly to myself, I got up and headed for the door, not to meet him but to get my books, which in my hurry I had forgotten to take with me.

..

..

Following the same path as usual, I kept a sharp lookout for the girl in the woods and was disappointed again when I saw that she was not anywhere near the vicinity.

[… I wonder what she would say about my predicament now?]

Wondering aloud, I stopped and for a moment, turned to look at the village, basked in the evening sun and smiled to myself.

All was the same, peaceful and tranquil and I hope it will stay that way…

Gensokyo is truly a wonderful place to live in, youkai or no…

…

…

..

..

* * *

[?]

Reaching the classroom, I stopped in surprise when I saw a couple of children hanging around the classroom, clutching their little books as they peeped nervously into the classroom.

[What's wrong, children?]

Asking them as I reached them, the children froze and slowly turned to face me. Little trembling hands dropped their textbooks and they hurriedly apologized to me.

[We are sorry, Sensei!]

[Sorry, Sensei!]

[Come now… what is there to be sorry about…]

..

..

Smiling and wiping the tears from their eyes, I dismissed their apologies with a smile and instead reach for the door.

[No! Sensei you can't go in!]

Stopping me, the children latched on my arm and slowly dragged me away from the school but I was adamant about going in, after all I am the teacher and they are my students, not the other way around.

[No Sensei! You can't go in! Really!]

[Now… if you tell me why I can't go in, I'll consider it.]

Squatting down to his level, I smiled and patted his head as he visibly struggled to answer me.

[No no… I will be breaking a promise!]

[…]

..

..

Blinking at his response, I internally wondered why someone would keep me out of my own school but I immediately decided that it did not matter.

[If you're not going to tell me, I'm going in and you are not going to stop me.]

Sternly reprimanding him, I gently coaxed the group of them to give way despite their process but in the end, they all gave in.

[… okay sensei…]

With the obstacles now away, I pushed open the door and was promptly surprised and amused at what I saw in the class.

There, sleeping over a child's desk was the Village Elder's son. He was sound asleep and he did not even stir when I walk right to right beside him.

[My.. my…]

Surprise was one way to express my emotions then but another way to describe would be extremely amusing. Such a sight, a grown young man sleeping in a children's classroom.

Never in my wildest dream would I imagine seeing this, perhaps he was thrown out of his house?

Sitting at the desk directly in front of him, I studied him for a moment.

..

..

His once pale face, renown for being similar to a girl is now tanned and rugged. He sported a little beard and it was obvious that he was sweating profusely the whole day as I could smell the overpowering scent of his sweat. The same could be said for his clothes, which was caked with mud and vegetation.

..

..

[… you've been working hard…]

..

..

Seeing how hard working he is, I am reluctant to give a straight out no to him now… he has indeed changed for the better and it seems he has gotten popular due to that too. The women like him and the village's elderly like him too as he is always helping them. The most impressive of all was that he has abstained from womanizing completely.

..

..

[…]

..

..

But all that hard work only reflected outward changes in his behavior, I could never fully understand his heart… how dedicate he was to me..

..

..

Or rather, I am just avoiding it…

..

..

[… stupid…]

Scratching my head, my heart had long ago gave up arguing with my mind and was waiting for the perfect opportune moment to break it to me.

[… I should really give you a chance…]

Smiling, I leaned over him and planted a small kiss on his cheek before retreating out the room.

..

..

* * *

..

..

Human emotions are a funny thing, intoxicating in its wealth of getting to know companionship, happiness, bliss, sadness, jealousy, motivation, the power of faith. Of course the most damning and rewarding of all must be love and hatred.

It is difficult to find the thin line between love and hatred but I am sure that the both of them share the same extreme influx of emotions that plague us for life.

We would never forget love and hatred and that is something that goes through and stays true for the ages.

..

..

Being devoid of human emotions is a good thing too, not knowing what is worry, what is danger and what is happiness… Forces of nature do not need emotions or pain or knowledge, we just exists.

..

..

Being half youkai and half human, I experience the best of both worlds… knowing that my death is not easily achievable and having the benefit and curse of human emotions.

..

..

My heart has won over my mind again, exposing myself to him and his advances even though I know I might just be opening myself up to pain and suffering.

History has shown that happily ever after is not always achievable.

For someone like me, who has the best of both worlds… am I allowed to taste love too?

..

..

* * *

..

..

Taking my books with me, I sat in front of the table and sighed as I could not for the life of me kept my focus on the task at hand.

Unwittingly, he had slipped into my life without me noticing. The glances that I would shoot at his direction within the few days after 'encountering' him at school had set something off inside me.

It had became quite a habit of mine to look out the window and try to find him just like how I would try and find the girl in the forests.

..

..

He is dedicated to me, that I am certain as he is indeed changing himself for the better, all in the sake of reaching a level of competence to talk to me again.

Placing me in such respect, to the point in which he values me more than his personal honor, he is truly… truly willing to change.

I believe people call it, 'touched'?

I am touched by his actions, his willingness to change and perhaps, maybe just maybe, one day that can change to admiration and finally love for him?

..

..

[… this is hopeless…]

I am unable to concentrate… his sad smile kept me awake at night as I rejected him. At that time, I was afraid that he would reject me for being youkai but now, I am not certain…

If his love held true and is strong enough… perhaps… just perhaps…

..

..

[Should I… give him a chance and… give me a chance…?]

Asking myself that question, I quickly stopped myself from going too far as I knew too that I would outlive him… he would die before me…

Is it worth the pain I would feel…

..

..

[… I'm just avoiding the question as well…]

Even though I am the keeper of history, the future is not known to me… who knows of the fate that will befall me if I fell in love for him… would I feel pain if he left? Would I even outlive him?

All those are variables… but I do know one thing…

..

..

[I wouldn't regret… for a moment… I would never regret.]

..

..

* * *

..

..

Leaving my home, I slowly walked towards the village, my whole body shaking with a mixture of determination and fear.

On that fateful evening, seeing him sprawled over the classroom, I had already affirmed that he was indeed, truly in love with me… How deep it is, will have to be gauge at a later date.

He is truly amazing, able to touch me in the most creative and unexpected ways.

..

...

Desperate in trying to catch up with my level, he has resorted to learning from the basics. Males of his generation rarely, if ever studies and as a result, they are mostly all action no talk and no knowledge what so ever.

..

..

Sneaking in to class after my lesson after work to study…. Telling the children not to tell me… all that, just to be in the same level as me… to face me… to be able to tell me that: 'I have changed!'

All that, just for me to give him a chance…

..

..

[… weird… am I … crying?]

Feeling drops of tear drop down my cheeks, I paused for a moment as I stood on the path that lead to the village and the other side to the forest.

[… …]

It is so weird, so unexpected that two small things that have happened in the past few months would have such an impact on me. It was as if the life that I had lead before does not matter at all and this is the start of my real life.

..

..

Spying the girl from the forests and growing a kind of fondness for her… meeting the elder's son and slowly finding love for him…

My youkai self and my human self must be applauding me right now, to be able to juggle my life separately, youkai and human.

..

..

**_Youkai will always cause disasters, humans will never trust youkai._**

_.._

_..  
_

As one, who is from both worlds… it is something close to a miracle… to be able to touch the two sides of my life so easily.

..

..

Small changes do not change the world, my life or anything else by themselves… they just snowball and are intricately linked to one another, leading finally to the end result.

Change will always be with us, it is just how one deals with it… as a keeper of history, I am glad to say that I had learnt from mistakes from the past.

[… …hello…]

Knocking softly on the door, I quickly pushed it open, not wanting to give him the chance to run away or prevent me from entering.

..

..

[K-Kamishirasawa!]

Jumping up in fright, the young man blushed crimson, something that I could see even in the darkness and I giggled, amused at his lack of finesse.

[A-Ah.. I, I got to go!]

Getting up, he hurriedly tried to keep all the books he had amassed in front of him but in his hurry he knocked half of them to the floor including the candle he was using to read them by.

[AH!]

Squatting down, he tried to pick up all the books as I calmly walked towards him. I did not know how I appeared to him but he stopped in his tracks when he saw me walking towards him, smiling at him as I bent down and touched his hands.

[…]

[K-Kamishirasawa?]

Looking at his stunned features, I once again wondered how did this, this human that I did not have a good first impression of, managed to worm inside my heart somehow and develop such a change in me.

[I… I know how you changed… I saw your effort…]

..

..

Trembling, he dropped his books and his mouth dropped wide open for a moment before he looked away and backed off.

[… I… I'm not good enough yet… not good enough for you, Kamishirasawa… I… I can never match up to someone like you…]

Dishonoring his own name and family by admitting that a woman is better than him, he lowered his head and continued.

[I can't write… I can't do anything… I'm just learning… J-Just give me more time…]

[… give yourself a chance…]

Still smiling, I helped him gather all the books and placed them back on the desk before extending a hand out to him while placing a hand on my chest.

..

..

[You're working hard… I know you are studying… studying for my sake… I… I have never seen anyone do that for my sake… willing to change so much… so…]

Taking my hand, I helped him up and whispered softly to his ears.

[… I will give you a chance… one chance… that is all that you will ever need…]

The look of confusion on his face changed to happiness in a heartbeat and he hugged me tightly, so tightly that I lost all my breath, still it was not a bad feeling altogether, feeling my heart beat faster and the blood rush to my face as he did so.

[… hey… that's a little too fast…]

..

..

Pushing him gently, I broke away from his hug and backed off, after all, I had not truly fallen in love with him, it is just a start… a start of perhaps my most important relationship yet.

[… Maybe I'll fall in love with you… just maybe…]

Winking at him as I swept out of the room, I giggled to myself at how he looked as I left the room but at the same time, I wanted to calm my beating heart at doing something so daring.

[… have I done the right thing?]

The time left to the day of the full moon and the hanami viewing is just a few days away…

* * *

**Author's Notes: Fluff. But Comfort too.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Finding History with your Flame**

**By wrathie**

**Original Concept: Zun**

**Chapter 6: Of Disbelief and Uncertainty  
**

* * *

..

..

..

[…]

Sitting on my bed, the realization dawned on me at how… how like a whore I behaved earlier on.

[… I might never raise my head up again…]

Diving under my covers, I half-sobbed and half-giggled at my handiwork, which had left the young man sitting on the floor, stunned at my actions.

[… will my life change?]

Asking myself, I corrected myself and told myself firmly while looking out at the moon, which was slowly shaping up to it's full size.

[It will change… is just… how it will change…]

Consoled in the fact that I had made the first move towards another direction, I sat up again and went back to my desk.

..

..

[And… what about you?]

On my desk was the amulet that I had picked up in the forest all those days and weeks ago.

It belonged to her and till now I had not felt any urge to return it to her.

[What would you say… if you know I am human… like you? Or… unlike you?]

I could never understand her harshness towards humans. Whether it is down to her hating humans, lamenting her inability to get along with humans… or just hating youkai who get along with humans… or… humans getting along with youkai…

All of it, I would not know… not know…

..

..

[… I regret not telling you… who I am? Would that make a difference?]

Taking the amulet up and looking at it closely, I eventually placed it back on my desk, just staring at it and spending the night staring at it.

Perhaps in my willfulness, I wanted to learn more about her just by staring at the amulet, wanted to believe that I will know her better just by being with something that belonged to her.

It was silly then and it probably is silly now, spending time doing nothing but looking at the amulet, which is a treasure to me then and now… but, for me, that is enough…

..

..

Yes, that is enough.

..

..

* * *

..

..

...

[Kamishirasawa!]

Sitting by myself in the empty classroom after dismissing all the students, I waited patiently for the new comer to my school.

That is correct, the elder's son is taking lessons from me and I do enjoy those sessions, even if they are fleeting moments of the whole day.

[Good afternoon…]

Greeting him, I smiled and invited him to seat in front of me.

[Ahh… I'll be intruding then…]

Bowing to me formally, he crept into the classroom, removed his mud-caked shoes and timidly tiptoed to the desk directly in front of me.

[Why not have a drink?]

..

..

Eyeing him as he took out his books, I offered him a cup of water and looked away to hide my amusement when he nervously gulped it down, spilling water as he drank it too quickly.

[There is no need to be nervous…]

Reassuring him, I opened the windows and almost immediately he leapt to his feet and closed them.

[I… I do not want to disgrace my family even more… I…]

Lowering his head, he whispered to me before walking dejectedly back to his desk while I considered.

[… hmm…]

..

..

Rubbing my chin, I digested that information and I related to him in his thoughts. To a family as powerful in the village as he is, if he is seen being taught and guided by a woman, it would undoubtedly bring shame to him.

[Alright then…]

Knowing that there is indeed nothing I can do, at least for the moment, I nodded and began my lecture to him.

…

…

..

..

After class, I saw him off and disappeared back to my house to straighten my thoughts.

[… Still… it is not as if… I didn't see him progress…]

If it was regarding his education, he is definitely making progress…

In the span of a single week, he has made leaps and bounds in terms of word recognizing and literacy skills. His attitude towards me has changed slightly over the course of the week, first timid and nervous, now more spoken and displaying more of his natural charm, if I have to admit.

..

..

I find it… relaxing to talk to him, relating to someone who has different views about live than he does.

He too surprises me with his many topics of conversation, his interest, his beliefs and of course, his thoughts about life and the many things.

..

..

Being alone for the majority of my life and knowing only small kids, whose questions never failed to amuse me or tickle me pink with their innocence, it is a delightful change for me to engage in a serious conversation with someone.

He does goes off topic every now and then but it is only then can I actually see his real character, ambitious but burdened with the expectations of his family.

Deep down he knows he carries the weight of the whole village in time and for now, he wanted to enjoy life to the fullest.

..

..

_[Kamishirasawa… after meeting you, I've changed…]_

_.._

_..  
_

Hearing him say that made me blush madly and I had to look away in order to remain dignified in front of him. I am a girl at heart after all, human or youkai… both does not matter against the horrendous yet beautiful tide of emotions that threatened to engulf me.

It tempted me so, tempted me so much for me to fall into his arms and to say that I loved him..

But that… is something that I would not want to do without serious thought on my part.

..

..

Getting carried away just based on emotions is silly and is not a wise thing to do, history has proven it to me countless of times that decisions made with strong emotions present during the making of the decision would generally mean it is a BAD decision.

..

..

[…]

Perhaps I am getting a little impatient, wanting more… even though I knew that things cannot be rushed. It is like tasting something that I can't quite reach, love…

I know what is the feeling of liking someone now, even if it is just a little so… maybe I am impatient… just sorely impatient with the lack of progress between the two of us.

..

..

The same thing happens when I was waiting for the girl in the woods, the girl that I felt fondly attached to even though I do not know her name..

It is killing me, the burning questions in my mind and heart as I waited for her for the past few months. I long to see her, to know more about her… and I do not know why…

..

..

[Perhaps, I just want to understand her… and in the process understand me… as well…]

..

..

* * *

..

..

[… Hi…]

It was just a day after that particular day when…

[What is the matter?]

[Erm… would… W-Would…]

Stuttering nervously as we ended the class, he twitched nervously even more when my eyes fell on him, coercing him for an answer.

[T-The… the annual Hanami festival… is… to-tomorrow… right?]

[Yes, yes it is… I will have to cancel tomorrow's class I am afraid… I have to help with the preparations…]

Musing, I thanked him for reminding me before I turned back to collecting and keeping all the books till he spoke up again.

..

..

[H-Hey… Kamishirasawa…]

[mm? yes? Is there something else you wanted to-]

Cutting me off, I blushed crimson when he held my hands and pressed a bouquet of flowers into my hands.

[A-Ah…]

..

..

Caught totally off guard, I could not understand or bothered to understand what he meant as he and I both fiddled with our fingers, occasionally peeping at each's others face and then turning away. This process repeated itself like a broken record till finally he broke the cycle by exclaiming out.

[I… I'll like it.. if you danced with me on that day, Kamishirasawa! It-it's a bit sudden b-but I…]

[Ah… I…]

..

..

It is a date, a request by a member of the opposite gender for a dance and it immediately sent butterflies knocking about in my stomach, made me feel like I was in heaven all together.

It is a wonderful feeling but I was not sure that my happiness was shown on my face as he smiled sheepishly and looked away from me.

[I… I mean if you wouldn't mind, Kamishirasawa…]

[…]

..

..

Looking down at my foot, I slowly nodded and smiled to signal my willingness.

[Yes… I would… it would be lovely…]

[G-Great!]

Clapping his hands together, his happiness could be expressed by looks alone as he bowed to me while thanking me.

[Thank you, Kamishirasawa! I'll… I'll head back now!]

I was a little disappointed when he left almost immediately, claiming he has to help some of the villagers with the festival preparations as well, leaving me alone and forlorn in the school.

[It would be nice.,. if he is a little bit more daring…]

Sliding down my chair, I looked at the bouquet of flowers and held them to my chest, immersing myself in the scent.

..

..

[… beautiful… very beautiful…]

Looking at the flowers, I was once again amazed at how tactful he is in choosing the flowers, all the varieties he chose did not clash with one another nor did their scent overpowering each other as I took a whiff of them.

It takes expertise to pick a bouquet of flowers this beautiful and as it is not part of our culture, he surely must have done that to surprise me.

[… why…]

Thinking that thought, I unwittingly blushed and giggled just like a school girl in love.

[…]

Perhaps I am a school girl in love…

..

..

* * *

..

..

Walking back from school in the evening, I just happened to chance upon something that I did not expect to see.

[!]

It was the girl from the forest! The immortal youkai girl!

Thinking that, I quickly dived down into the nearby bushes and cautiously peeped out from them to see what she was doing.

With her hands in her pockets, she frowned for a second before timidly stepping onto the road with me mentally urging her on.

If she could just make it into the village…

Focusing so much on her, the both of us were surprised when all of a sudden, a voice called out my name.

[Kamishirasawa!]

..

..

[!]

[!]

..

..

Like children being caught after a naughty prank, the both of us freeze and a second later, bolted from our respective spots.

Me jumping out of the bushes and her running frantically back into the forest.

[Ah…]

Disappointed at the interruption, I turned to get another shock, it was the Elder's son looking curiously at me.

[Eh?]

I should have known, beside him no one would ever dream of calling me so directly.

[Hi… Hi…]

Nervously, I curtsied to him while trying hard not to express my disappointment and nervousness at being caught in such a revealing situation.

[What were you doing?]

[Ah… Nothing, nothing… really!]

..

..

Laughing to hide my embarrassment, I paused and swallowed nervously when his next question caught me off guard.

[Did you see that girl?]

Referring to the immortal youkai girl, I was surprised that he would actually know her as he explained to me while walking with me to my home.

..

..

[She is youkai, Kamishirasawa, a fire youkai, she uses fire balls…]

Musing to himself, he shrugged when I asked him to tell me more.

[I saw her using a fireball to light a fire once but she looks like a human…]

[What if she is a human?]

[… No way, a human won't have such powers…]

..

..

Feeling a little angry and frustrated that he would answer me so lightheartedly, I pressed on, my eyes furrowing.

[What if she is human…]

[…]

He paused for a second and looked at me, as if wanting to bore through my mind and I felt sweat form on the back of my palms.

He is sharp, I knew that and I had quite likely given myself away by being so agitated on that particular topic. But better sooner than later, I rather be hurt earlier when I had not sink into the quagmire of love completely then when I am completely engulfed in the bliss of love.

..

..

[…. Then we'll see…]

Answering me with a half-hearted answer, he saw that I was about to speak again when he cut me off.

[I called you to warn you about her, Kamishirasawa… are you hiding from her?]

[Eh… well…]

[There is reason to be afraid if you think she's youkai, Kamishirasawa but don't worry, I'll protect you.]

Flexing his muscles and striking a pose at me, I supposed he expected me to nod at him and thank him but I just laughed, laughed at how silly he was.

Silly him, I could probably overpower him with my hands alone being youkai and all…

..

..

That jarred me and my humor evaporated instantly.

..

..

[Kamishirasawa?]

His concerned eyes peered at me but I was not paying attention to him anymore.

..

..

The thoughts of he not liking youkai kept repeating themselves in my mind and I froze, not moving a single step and I even shrugged off his arm as he tried to touch me, showing how disappointed I was in myself and him.

..

..

Did I not want to give him a chance? To give me a chance?

…Perhaps from the start, I was hoping for too much after all.

* * *

..

..

[… I'm sorry… I'll have to take my leave now.]

Apologizing to him, I brushed past him as I started to run and run I did, leaving him calling my name behind me.

[Kamishirasawa! It's DANGEROUS! KAMISHIRASAWA!]

Even as he called frantically at me, another voice was whispering into my ear, dangerous things that threatened my beliefs of my life and of all that I hold dear.

..

..

_Youkai will always cause disasters, Humans will never trust youkai._

_.._

_..  
_

_He will never accept someone like you, a youkai! Did you hear how he said the word 'youkai'? He SPAT it out like it was foul…_

_He will never love you…_

_.._

_..  
_

_NEVER…_

_Never love you…_

_.._

_..  
_

[No… NO, NO!]

Slamming the door shut and bolting it, I ran for my room and hide under my covers, hoping that at least, in the privacy of my own room I would be safe from the taunts from my own inner demons.

[NO… STOP IT!]

Even deep in the covers I can hear her whispering ever so faintly. It was like hearing something from another room, silent enough that you would not pay attention to it but loud enough to draw your attention and to focus all your attention to it despite not wanting to.

..

..

_For a human, youkai are detestable… never one's friends and NEVER ONE'S LOVER._

_.._

_..  
_

_He will abandon you if he finds out… mock you… destroy you from inside out…_

_.._

_..  
_

[No, stop it, stop it! I… I…]

..

..

_Youkai too despises you… remember how she reacted?_

_Hatred to humans… hatred to youkai…_

_.._

_..  
_

_YOU WILL NEVER ESCAPE THE FATE OF BEING LONELY!_

_.._

_..  
_

[NO!]

Crying out in the night, I wept alone in a corner of my room as the hidden demon cackled and just laughed at my pathetic form, curled up in a ball sobbing all the way.

..

..

_HAHAHAHAHA~~_

_ .._

_.._

_..  
_

_HAHAHAHAH~~_

_.._

_.._

_..  
_

I do not know what is the demon's purpose to torture me with thoughts of loneliness and my fear of rejection but it certainly enjoyed itself, feeding on my unease and unhappiness at my own life.

..

..

This is the night that I became aware that there is another, darker side of me that I had perhaps not known before…

..

..

* * *

..

..

Crying myself to sleep, I woken only when the sun was in it's mid-day's position and as that signaled that it was nearing the hour stipulated for the preparation to begin, I hurriedly got up to change.

[….]

Wordlessly grabbing a few clothes, I stepped into the bathing room and absentmindedly washed myself down with cold water. The cold water is refreshing and as I felt the cold water trickle between my toes, I squatted down and hugged my own knees as I gathered my thoughts.

..

..

Last night was horrible, sleeping with the unknown voice laughing at the back of my mind. My mind was cracking up from the pressure and… and… it is such a horrible feeling, like my heart was being shattered and my greatest treasure was taken from me.

The trickling water reminded me of my life, gathered in a glass bowl for so long and destroyed in a single instant, letting what I hold dear disappear.

It is just like the proverb: Keeping all your eggs in a basket…

I reaped what I sowed…

..

..

Do I?

..

..

* * *

..

..

While helping out with the village, I was not my usual self and I was sure all the others noticed it too.

It is painful, very painful to see how they treated me nicely as if I was one of them when another part of me told me I am not.

Honestly, I do not know what and who to believe now… Should I believe my heart or my own mind?

[…]

..

..

Absentmindedly cutting up the vegetables, I smiled as I saw one of the other, younger girls get cut on her hand while cutting and I offered to help her finish up while she go and seek medical treatment.

[Thank you, Kamishirasawa!]

Bowing to me, she hurriedly ran off, clutching her bleeding hand as she headed for the village nurse.

[…]

Chop, Chop…

The monotone and repetitive sound of the knife hitting the chopping board was all that I heard. Instead of the carefree laughter of the village girls as they gossiped among themselves nor the sounds of birds singing and the wind blowing a soft melody as they passed through the forest.

Chop… chop…

All I could hear was the sound of the knife as I continued to cut and heap vegetables to the side.

..

..

[… No, it is my pleasure to help…]

Managing a smile, I bowed to them and said my goodbyes softly. There was still some time before the festival and it was apparent that they wanted me to stay with them before the start but I politely declined, claiming that I had work to do.

It was true after all, work had to be done… marks have to be given and assignments have to be graded.

Trudging slowly, I trembled as I hugged myself, not from the cold from the surroundings but by the coldness of my heart.

A day before I was happy, beyond happy and now, one day after such a small incident and I seemed to have predicted the end of the world, the end of my life and everything that holds dear.

..

..

[…]

It is truly painful to have something like that hanging around the back of my mind as he was working within plain sight of me. Lugging bags of food around, carrying decorations and generally doing lots of menial work with the rest of the man, he is working hard and there I was, wallowing my own self pity.

..

..

If he did not find out… he would continue to strive on to impress me.

If he did find out… would he continue to do that? Would he even love me again?

..

..

I do not know and for now, I do not want to know…

Slowly closing my room, I looked at the stacks of paper on my table and with a single wave of my arm, swept them off the table.

[…]

Watching the papers fly in the air, I stood there and watch them all flutter to the ground.

[… I…]

Not wanting to do anything else, I sank back into bed and fell into a deep sleep.

..

..

* * *

**Author's Notes: None, damn work.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Finding History with your Flame**

**Chapter 7: Of Taking a Chance.  
**

**Author's Notes: Work. Nuff said**

**..**

**

* * *

**

..

..

[… ….]

Despite my desperate attempt to sleep over the festival, I woke up right at the thick of it. Hearing the cheerings and the general laughter of the village showed how energetic the festival was going and will be.

[it should be starting soon…]

Reminding myself that I was invited to the dance by the bouquet of flowers that is still on the windowsill, I looked at my hands before standing up and heading for the door.

But I was not heading to the village, instead, I was heading to the only place where I can find solitude.

..

..

[…]

The moon is not full but strong enough to allow me to forcefully awaken my youkai side.

As I walked along the forest floor, I willed my strength and felt the power surge through me as the youkai side took over.

[…]

It was tantalizing, the power that I held and I looked at my hands, bursting with power and I felt more hurt than ever before.

[… I… I…]

With a single strike of my arm, I toppled a small tree and I fell to sit down at the foot of the fallen tree, clutching my hands as if it was the most beautiful and the most terrible thing in my life.

[It is… oh it is…]

Sobbing as I reminded myself that I am youkai and human, I spent the rest of the night there, shutting out the festive cheers of the village and the promise of the dance.

Never once did I see the girl from the forest or the handsome, young man from the village that had turned my life upside down so….

* * *

..

..

I spent the next few days away from the village, hidden in the forest, human when it was day and youkai when it was night.

I found time to grab food from my house and to keep it tidy to show that I had not abandoned it totally. To keep the adults relieved, I had all my papers sent to them when they were asleep at night and during the day I would sleep, resting myself.

..

..

It would be a while before I can sort out my thoughts. Life had been simple then, minding my own business and living my life the only way I was expected to, as the eldest and the head of the Kamishirasawa House.

Never was I happy and never was I sad…

All this changed with just two chance meetings…

…

….

..

..

[Honestly…]

I did not know what brought me back to the village, but somehow, _he _planned this.

Walking back to my home in the wee hours of dawn, I opened the door and was promptly bowled over by the village's children as they ran out of my home.

..

..

[A-Ah what!]

..

..

As it turns out, I had underestimated him and he had noticed that I was avoiding the village for the past week. Planning his 'attack' at the best possible moment, he utilized the only task force that he could effectively mobilize, the village's children

In my absence, he was the guest lecturer and he was remarkably talented so to speak, able to cover for me appropriately and to gain the trust and affection of the children.

..

..

With endless tugging of my skirt and my clothes, coupled with the deadly 'puppy eyes of persuasion', I agreed to return to the village but throughout the whole affair, I kept my eyes away from him, something that I am certain that he noticed as well.

..

..

* * *

..

..

[Class dismissed…]

Life returns to normal, as normal as I could hope it to be as I returned to the village. I still interact with the women of the village and the Village Elder remains the same, hospitable and friendly. The school was on track and I managed to finish all of my work early, leaving me with gaps of time where I would while away time in my personal spot.

There were changes however and those changes were regarding the young man that claimed he loved me.

He is still active during classes, taking a role of instructor in martial arts and he and a couple of the boys will spar after class, making parents more willing to send their children to classes. After all, martial arts might make a difference in their lives.

Happy for the parents, sad that I have to meet him everyday. The same tugging sensation, it kills a part of me each time I see him staring at me and I would flush red as well... I know, I know that I... that I...

But, we lived in different worlds and I must endure the pain. For his and for my sake.

I could never understand what he felt when he looked away upon meeting my eyes or when they continued to stare at me till it was me who relented and looked away.

..

..

Did he blame me for not appearing for the dance?

Was he mad at me for abandoning the village?

Was he angry at me abandoning him, avoiding him?

..

..

**Did he find out?**

..

..

* * *

..

..

[…?]

Sitting by myself at the Elder's house, who had invited me over for a drink a few days after the full moon, where I had failed to meet with the Immortal Youkai girl for the first time since promising to meet under the full Moon.

It was as if all the changes in my life were gone and I felt a little relieved and upset at the same time. Why do I pine for them even when they do nothing but destroy the harmony in my life. Was it the fact that after I tasted that forbidden fruit of adventure like knowledge, I will always yearn it?

..

..

Pouring a cup of tea for me, he sat beside me and sighed, something that made me a little nervous at what he was going to say.

[… Kamishirasawa.]

[yes?]

[… my son…]

[… yes?]

..

..

Knowing the worst has yet to come, I sighed as I looked away from his elderly and wrinkled face and instead faced the village.

He probably was mad at me… but that would be fine… I do not want to… want to… think about him

Without realizing it, tears were forming and I quickly wiped them away without them being seen by the Village elder.

..

..

[He has not given up on you.]

[!]

..

..

Saying to me seriously, he got up and left while leaving the single sentence to me.

[…]

..

..

I did not know I was expecting…

..

..

But it certainly was not this…

..

..

* * *

..

..

Taking my now-routine walk to my usual spot, it surprised me when I saw the Immortal Girl sitting in her designated space, this time carrying a flask.

[Hey, you.]

Hearing my footsteps, she turned and smiled at me, a dazzling sight under the star-light.

[Have a drink!]

Pushing the flask to me, I turned it away when I detected the smell of sake and opted not to.

She seemed to be in a better mood than before, if only a little drunk as she swayed literally in the wind.

..

..

[…]

Sitting beside her, I struggled to keep my emotions in check, wondering deep inside what was the purpose of letting me see her again, not under the full moon but rather a few days from it.

Had she suspected me of being human even when I am in youkai form right not? My powers are not at it's peak but sufficient enough to erase history if I so wishes.

[… lately, there are humans about… I smell their scent…]

[… is that so…]

[But… weird of all… it is very faint… and mixed with youkai…]

Turning towards me, her bright red eyes seemingly glared at me as she continued, emphasizing each word slowly.

[… same as yours…]

..

..

[…]

..

..

I held my breath and swallowed nervously as I could sense something akin of hatred as she stared at me.

[…]

..

..

[it's nothing important thou… don't let it get to you…]

Shrugging, she explained again as she drank another cup of sake.

[It's just that… I was busy these few days… have things to do… so I've not been around… the same pesky human was around here… but seemed to have ran off…]

[I chased her away…]

Surprised at how quickly I said that out, I firmly nodded my head as I told her.

[I was here this whole week… so she probably got scared.]

[… probably.]

..

..

Knowing that she was probably getting suspicious of me, I looked away and grabbed the bottle of sake from her hands.

[h-hey!]

[Let me drink!]

Taking a gulp of the liquid, I felt the liquid rush down my throat and within seconds, my throat was dry and I demanded more and more of the liquid.

..

..

It retrospect, I should have reconsidered that move as the next morning, I found myself alone in the forest, propped up against a tree with my head hurting like it had never hurt before.

[… I must be stone drunk…]

Slapping my head and earning an even more painful reoccurrence of my headache as I did so, I winced and clutched my head in pain.

[W-What could I have blabbered out in my drunk stupor?]

Deciding that it was perhaps wise not to know at the particular moment, I found my legs and staggered to my feet, only to find that my legs were still not receiving the correct messages from my brain for the moment and I fell back to the floor on my face.

..

..

[ugh…]

Spitting out bits of grass from my mouth, I groaned and turned to face the sky, my back on the grass while I subconsciously touched my body.

[Ah…]

Feeling that my horns were still protruding out of my head and that my youkai power were still, if faintly present, I felt a wave of relief wash over me that I had not given away myself even when drunk.

Somehow I had maintained my youkai form despite being stone drunk and I was happy that she did not find out that I was human from that single stand point.

Now I am worried more about what I had blabbered out in my drunkenness.

..

..

…

[… I swear, I will never drink… that much again…]

Covering my eyes, I smiled to myself as I was willing to believe that I had truly showed myself as a youkai to her, the only person that could possibly understand how I felt.

[… and.. thank you…]

Looking down at my skirt, I saw several of her amulets on them and I caressed them gently as stared at them, intricate in their design and warm to the touch, just like how her hand felt when I touched hers…

[… …]

...

..

* * *

..

..

Change is… change, no one can stop it… and no one can expect it..

A small change will not change the world, but it… will change…

How many times have I wondered and pondered about this thought over the few generations I was alive…

And yet, it is the same number of times that I have been equally surprised at what change can do to me and my life.

..

..

It was subtle, the change in the way he treated me… subtle enough for me to not notice till it was too late.

A few months after meeting with the Immortal Girl in the woods, it was the day for another festival dance.. this time, to mark the end of Summer.

..

..

Over the course of the months, I had been cold and harsh towards him, criticizing any small mistakes he made but he never once complained.

Not once did he flinch at the harsh remarks that I would give him but instead nod and bow to me and continued in his teaching with renowned focus, tenacity and enthusiasm. In the end, even I had little to fault in his teaching techniques and reluctantly allowed him the right to teach alongside me, something I had not planned on doing in the first place.

If i have known, I would never have allowed him to step in.

The children were of course excited, never had they experienced this particular style of teaching and I found some comfort in knowing that the children did enjoy the lessons even if it pained me to teach in that way.

..

..

Slowly, ever so slowly he began to engage me in conversation, first during class and then after class and before class…

Before I had noticed, life had returned to what it once was and I could talk to him again, still feeling the pain but it was numbed now than before. It allows me to at least, talk with the one person who had truly made a difference in my life…

..

..

[Kamishirasawa…]

[yes?]

Wearily I raised my head from the stack of papers I was grading to see once again, the sight that greeted me a few months back on the night that I would never forget.

Naturally that was of Him holding a bouquet of flowers and smiling at me. Not as shyly as he did before but with confidence, a changed man knowing the world was his oyster.

The scrawny, embarrassed young man was gone and instead was replaced with a confident and dashing individual as he asked for permission for a dance.

[… I won't leave the grounds till you come, Kamishirasawa…]

Adding that final proof of his dedication, he smiled and leaned closer.

..

..

[E-EH?]

Knowing what he was about to do, I pushed him away and ran out of the school, knocking out most of the paperwork in the progress.

..

..

[… how could he?... how could he…]

Once more, he had wormed himself into my heart, relit the fire that I had thought died along with that night and… and… made me fall again… just like he did the previous time… Ho..how does he do that? And why, why am I happy he did that?

..

..

[What should I do?]

* * *

..

..

It was the night of the dance and I did turn up, not to dance with him but to see how life has continued on in the village. The village girls were lively as always and some of them had even gotten married during the few months. I shared their joy and wished them happiness, no matter who they are.

Even now, as I sat on the edge of the festival grounds, I could see young lovers dancing with one another and even the village elder dancing with his wife, a woman as elderly as he is.

They seemed so happy and I found myself wishing that they would keep being happy forever.

Happiness is hard earned. Who knows how much they sacrificed to gain such a fleeting moment of happiness.

They will probably remember it, remember those nights for the rest of their lives.

..

..

For such a fleeting moment of happiness, is an eternal life of hardship and unease worth it?

..

..

As a half-youkai, something that I have been much more conscious about this few months, I would no doubt last longer than an average human. Being the head of the Kamishirasawa house, I have never even thought of interacting with the human village besides the occasionally friend that passes from generation to generation. They are not true friendship, some one that I would find interesting and to make life more interesting…

When they left, I felt pain but nothing that could be described as attachment to the person.

..

..

Perhaps, I have not yet met someone who I can call as my friend, someone that I would truly cherish even with my few generations of life.

..

..

[Kamishirasawa.]

Appearing beside me, I looked up to see the Village Elder's Son smiling at me before he sat beside me.

[…]

[You came.]

It is more of a statement than a question and I nodded wordlessly to him, hoping that he would go away and leave me alone.

[The village sure is lively today…]

[… yes it is.]

[…]

Silence and only silence, weird how painful it is to know that there is nothing to be said between us. How I wish this could end and bring me out of my misery. I do not want to fall, as I know if I did, I can never recover.

..

..

[Would you like to dance?]

[…]

Shaking my head, I dismissed the thought and looked away from him, knowing full well that I could not look at him without shedding tears, tears that I do not want to shed as they reminded me of the love that had escaped me.

Yes, I knew I was in love, but I just had… just have to let it go…

It's impossible, youkai and human together…

..

..

[… would you like to dance, youkai girl?]

[!]

..

..

I froze and for a brief few seconds, my breathing stopped and when I looked up at her, I was sure I was shivering, my hands gripping my skirt tightly and my face pale, sweat flowing freely down my neck as I faced him, afraid, shocked displayed in my eyes.

[H-How d-did you…]

Shocked that he had found out, I recoiled from him and I tried desperately to shake off his hand that caught me.

[So… it really is true… you're youkai, Kamishirasawa…]

Whispering to me, he lowered his head so that I could not see him and I felt my heart thump faster and faster as the seconds and then minutes ticked by.

..

..

He knew, he knew that I was youkai…

..

..

That thought and all my worst nightmares came resurfacing in my mind and I shivered in fear and dread.

..

..

_I'm going to be chased out…_

_He will never love me…_

_I will be killed…_

_.._

_..  
_

_Youkai will always cause disasters and humans will never trust youkai._

_.._

_..  
_

[… Kamishirasawa…]

When he finally raised his head, he was smiling and for a second, I stopped struggling against him on the light of the smile.

Hope is a powerful thing and I found myself wishing and hoping that perhaps he would laugh it off as if it was a joke.

..

..

[W-Would you still give me a chance?]

..

..

[…]

[W-What?]

[Would you still give me a chance?]

Pressing me for an answer, he leaned closer towards me and kissed me.

..

It was… indescribable, something that I would never forget for the rest of my life. How could anyone describe such a feeling of intensity, of feelings that surged through me as he kissed me.

His soft lips against mine, his handsome face mere inches from me and the gentlemanly way that he closed his eyes, afraid that I would reject him before he pulled away from me.

[…]

[…]

I was stunned, happy and confused altogether…

[Y-Yes!]

But the answer was always there, always has been and always will be there.

..

..

[If you would allow me to, yes!]

Hugging him, I tackled him to the ground and the both of us rolled on the floor for a few minutes, laughing and giggling as I did so.

In the end, I ended up above him and I kissed him back, this time hearing the whole village cheer behind us as I did so.

[Thank you… thank you…]

Sobbing, I leaned against his chest and just cried my heart out, happy that he had given me and himself another chance.

..

..

As I said earlier, change is something that I can never expect… never predict and never record… until it has happened…

* * *

**Author's Notes: So i suck at kissing scenes. Sue me.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Finding History with your Flame**

..

**Chapter 8: Of Losing and Gaining  
**

**Original Concept: Shanghai Alice/Zun**

**Written by: wrathie  
**

**..**

**..  
**

**Author's Note: Truth that^  
**

* * *

..

..

Stepping in tune with the dance, the two of us danced right in the middle of the festival grounds, hand in hand and our bodies touching one another.

I felt happy, truly happy that it has turned out this way. Sudden it is but the more sudden it seems, the more one should anticipate it.

Never in my dreams would this have turned out… of him knowing and chasing me for so long…

It is like a fairy tale..

May I just be selfish and call it a fairy tale? My own personal fairy tale of a dream come true…

..

..

The villagers hollered and shouted their approval of his confession of love and I shyly nodded my head at his proposition to dance. After all, I had literally thrown all my dignity away by kissing him in the view of everyone that I knew.

[… you're a good dancer…]

Remarking to him as he bowed to me, he smiled and replied.

[All because of you… I lost track of how many times I did this dance… hoping to impress you…]

Indeed, gone was the scrawny, emotionally fuelled young man that I saw a few months ago. He truly has changed, matured and grown up to a fully fledged young man. Here is a person that could rival me, one who could right beside me and claim to love me…

..

..

[You did… you did… b-but I…]

[… I didn't tell anyone else…]

Smiling at me, he kissed me again, this time on my check and I flushed red, knowing that what he was saying might be the truth.

[Even if I did, no one would want to know… believe it to be true… no one will. So… I never told anyone…]

Looking up at the night sky and squeezing my hand, he explained to me.

..

..

[I followed you, the night of the festival… I'm sorry…]

[…]

[But… I wanted to know… why were you running away from me… and.. and I saw… your youkai power…]

Referring to how I toppled the tree in a single strike, I looked away and asked him a question.

[You've seen my youkai power… my youkai form… even then… can you… can you…]

[I can… and I always will…]

..

..

Replying almost instantly, he smiled and ran a hand through my hair, whispering softly as we danced to another tune, this one sad and melancholic to signal the end of the festival.

[I said it before… I will love every part of you, no matter when and no matter what… that is my promise to you, Kamishirasawa.]

[…]

Looking down, I suppressed any doubts of him not doing so and nodded my head.

[Just make sure you do…]

[… I will, I swear on my name…]

And with that, the dance and my older life ended, marking the start of my new life with him.

..

..

* * *

..

..

[… ?]

Life changes, life continues… even if my life change, my workload did not stop and even as I enjoyed his company, even more so after school where we talked about things, my work load never disappeared.

Time and time again he asked me out during the night and time and time again I rejected, showing him the amount of work I had to do.

I felt sorry for him and sorry for myself for not being able to do what I wished.

Still, it was my life and thanks gods that he was patient and understanding. Being the head of the Kamishirasawa House needs dedication and he seemed to finally understand it after a few weeks, offering to help out in anyway that he can.

..

..

If only he can as the majority of the workload takes place near the full moon, where my youkai powers have to be used.

Still, I enjoyed the time we spent alone, cuddling with him under a particular tree in the forest.

We were not in a physical relationship, something I would not allow after we were officially married but surprisingly, he did not push me nor did he lust or womanize after any other women.

He is, and still is dedicated only to me, bound by his promise.

..

..

[… are you afraid?]

Once, I've allowed him to see my youkai form, weak as it is without the power of the moon to power it and he just smiled at me and shook his head.

[if anything, you look much more beautiful…]

Perhaps, he draw power from the stars as he made me flush so bright red that I had to pinch myself to correct the coloration.

[Tsk…]

..

..

[… Tomorrow is the night of the full moon… isn't it?]

[yes it is.]

Asking him as I slumped over my desk, tired over all the work I was doing, I sighed before groaning again.

[I'll have to go tomorrow… so… don't look for me…]

Telling him off, I glared when he nodded half-heartedly.

[I'm serious.]

[I know…]

..

..

Smiling at me, he nodded and stood up, signaling that he would have to leave now.

[I'm going now, Kamishirasawa…]

[yes… I'll see you to the door…]

Trying to stand, I stopped and winced when I felt my leg become numb from sitting around for too long.

Thankfully and un-thankfully, he shook his head and said no.

[Thank you for spending your time with me, Kamishirasawa… and I'm sorry for not being much of a help…]

Closing the door behind him, I internally wondered at his words.

..

..

I was afraid that I was not good enough for him, treating him no better than others, taking up his time and not returning his love as much as he did to me.

Instead, he claimed that he was not good enough for me…

[… stupid…]

Calling him the phrase that I should be calling myself, I spent the rest of the night marking and finishing up all that I can.

[I'll surprise him tomorrow…]

* * *

..

..

[Eh!]

I enjoyed his look of surprise when I just 'accidentally' bumped into him while taking the children out for a walk.

[W-Why are you here, Kamishirasawa! I-I mean… don't you have w-work to-]

He never finished as I kissed him on the lips, stopping him in mid-sentence and blushing.

[C'mon children!]

Seemingly nonplussed by our exchange, the children crowded around me and giggled as I pinched their cheeks happily.

[We're going to picnic in the woods, alright, Children? I brought some snacks that I was keeping for a long time, so let's share it today, kay?]

Bending down, I pinched their cheeks and led them off, giggling at his lack of finesse as he still stood there, stunned at my gesture.

[Sensei sensei! Why is sensei still standing there?]

[Oh?]

..

..

Laughing as they walked with me, some jumping up in joy and others just chatting with others, I thought for a moment before answering them.

[That is between us, children… hehe…]

Giggling, I am sure this is going to be a great day as we walked towards the nearby stream, the best picnic area near the village.

..

..

* * *

..

..

[Oh, wipe your mouth…]

Fussing like a mother to a child, I wiped the offending stain on the child's face away before turning my eyes to look at the small stream, it's water washing against the banks and the children and him resting beside it.

Putting their little feet in it, they lazed on the grassy ground and slept, their mouth shaped in smiles that resembled tiny angels. Spending my time with them is a taxing affair, making me lose my patience a few times. But they never once complained, giggling and running away when I ran after them. Getting back into my good books was an easy affair as they just hugged me and begged me for forgiveness.

God forbid I be so soft-hearted but I am, to them I may be just putty in their little hands…

..

..

[… honestly..]

Sighing and smiling at the same time, I admit, no matter how angry they make me, they are worth it, all of the time I've spent here with them, it was worth it.

[… sometimes… I wish I could have a child…]

Wondering out loud, I started when I felt a hand touch mine and I turned to see him, looking at me seriously.

[…]

His words were not pleading with me but I can tell he did like and dislike the idea, like something that tore him apart just thinking about that.

[Kamishirasawa…]

[Y-yes… won't that be nice? I-I mean…]

Blushing as I recalled what I would have to do to achieve that goal, I started when he reminded me.

..

..

_Youkai will always cause disasters and humans will never trust youkai._

_.._

_..  
_

[Our child… might not… be human, Kamishirasawa…]

[… quite true…]

Shaking my head, I playfully pushed him for saying things like 'our child' within earshot of the children but he remained serious and so I nodded my head.

[Yes, that is right… perhaps… that is for the best.]

Smiling, I shrugged the thought of but he could not refuse adding one more sentence.

[But… maybe…]

[Let's leave it at that, just maybe… I-I…]

Stuttering to find the words, I finally managed to chase away the mouse that bit my tongue and told him.

[I'm sorry… for being… me…]

[Kamishirasawa?]

[I'm the Head of the Kamishirasawa house… I was never really born to be… able to live in a relationship… forever working… forever… It was fine before… when I have nothing to do… now, I… I just…]

[…]

..

..

Pouring my reasons to him, I was afraid that he would get mad and even worst that he would think that I was defending myself and pushing the blame to him. I really do… love him and I wanted him to know that I really do, despite not able to show it through my actions…

Without noticing, I was looking on the floor as I waited for his reply. It felt like eternity even though it probably was just a few seconds.

[… I know… and I… am just sad, that I can't help you as much as I can… I've thought I finally reached you… but once again, you are-]

A scream suddenly rocked the peace away and the both of us hurriedly got up.

[We'll finish this, later.]

[Yes, much LATER.]

Agreeing with him, the both of us sprinted towards the scream and to perhaps my worst nightmare…

..

..

* * *

..

..

[Ahh, AHH!]

Screaming out in fear as she was being surrounded by a ring of fire, the both of us coughed and backed off almost immediately upon coming across the scene.

The heat was incredible and was so intense that I was afraid my skirt would catch in fire before I even got close.

[Miyu-chan!]

Screaming to the girl, I kept my breath in check when the person that was with her was the last person that I had ever expected.

_It's her!_

..

..

Hugging her and throwing fireballs everywhere was the immortal youkai girl from the words, I could not make out what she was saying but Miyu-chan suddenly dived into her clothes.

[It's that youkai that's behind all this!]

Unable to walk closer than I am, he screamed but I corrected him when a seemingly stray fireball struck a youkai that was sneaking up behind him.

[She's not!]

[… I'll take care of the other youkai, you get Miyu-chan OUT OF THE FIRE. Then I can breath easy.]

Instructing me, he pulled out a kantana from his waist and ran towards the nearest youkai, slashing at it with skill and precision.

[Okay… deep breaths now.]

I hope she didn't recognize me, I really hope she will not as I tightly clutched at the amulet that she left me as I plunged into the fire.

Jumping over the sea of fire at several intervals and kicking some out, I finally was within shouting range of the both of them and I screamed, sure that my voice would be changed from how lack-of-breath I was.

[P-Please… -cough- you've got to stop… -cough- the fire!]

[…]

..

..

Turning to look at me, she wore the same confident smile on her face as she shook her head and shouted back at me.

[HEY, AREN'T YOU AFRAID OF ME, A YOUKAI?]

[… You're hu-]

Cutting myself as I had almost let the cat out of the bag, I winced and dropped to my knees, not to beg her but rather that I was losing my strength.

[M-MIYU-CHAN!]

Screaming at her, I hoped for a reply but my worst fears were confirmed when I saw her slump to the floor totally unconscious.

[MIYU-CHAN!]

Running to her and ignoring the flames that scorched my skin or burn at my hair, I hugged her and tried to revive her by breathing into her mouth.

..

..

[Please! Stop the fire! You're killing her with the smoke!]

[A-AH.. alright, alright!]

Being as flustered as I was, she agreed and soared into the air. With a tremendous sucking sound, the humongous sea of fire was sucked up into a single fireball that she seemingly just rubbed away with her hands.

Such is the extent of her power and I just stared in awe at her before I realized that Miyu-chan was depending on me.

[Miyu-chan, miyu-chan! Oh gods no!]

Pressing her chest up and down and breathing air into her mouth, I spend a few moments terrified that I would not be able to revive her.

[Thank god!]

..

..

It was a relief when she finally breathed, for us both as Miyu-chan's eyes finally pried themselves open and she began to cry.

[Alright, alright… alright don't cry now…you're safe…]

Patting her back as she cried on my shoulder, I looked up to see that she was still soaring in the air, a complex expression on her face that just deepened when I thanked her.

[Thank you… you saved her.]

[… don't you think I was hurting her?]

Cocking her head to the side, she asked me as she surveyed me from a distance. She regarded me as a total stranger and as a threat, something that I could comprehend.

[no, you were protecting her from you-]

I never got to finish my sentence this time as he suddenly burst from the bushes, welding his kantana and crying a battle-cry.

[HOW DARE YOU HARM HER! DIE!]

..

..

Before I could call him to stop, my body had already moved and in the process, felt excruciating pain.

[!]

[KAMISHIRASAWA!]

…

…

..

..

[… ugh…]

Falling to the ground knee first, I felt myself being supported by his body as he screamed verbal abuse at the youkai girl.

[HOW COULD YOU!]

[…]

[HOW COULD YOU DO THAT!]

[… h-hey… it's not my fault… I guess…]

I could not read his or her expression as I could not move even an inch, feeling my back flare with pain whenever I tried to move.

[Ugh… no… stop it…]

Barely able to speak, I smelt the scent of burning clothes and I rightly assumed that I had got in the way of the defensive fireball that she had flung at him to stop him.

..

..

[I was aiming for the ground… so… if you let me, I'll treat her fire burn ya? So…]

I could smell that she was approaching closer too and I felt a little comforted at that thought.

_.._

_..  
_

_She still had the heart to save a human, even after knowing that the other will kill her…_

..

..

[NO! STAY AWAY OR I'LL KILL YOU, I SWEAR! AND STAY AWAY FROM MIYU!]

Swinging his kantana from left to right, he was not paying attention to her at all. Perhaps in his heart, he already saw her as the culprit and seeing how injured I was, was acting on instinct.

Protecting the one he loved.

It was not an encounter I had dreamt about, the meeting of the two person that had changed my life.

It is a nightmare, a nightmare that I would not forget soon as I gently steadied myself on my own feet.

..

..

[E-Enough… she's not at fault… a-ah…]

As soon as I could stand, I fell back to the floor and I landed on my back and my face looking up at the immortal girl.

[She… was…]

[Stop defending her, she's you-]

Stopping himself just like I did a moment ago, he paused and this time, sheathed his kantana, much to my and her surprise.

[… you're right… well… I guess I had been a little harsh…do you know her?]

..

..

Remembering that I was half-youkai, I was thankful that he remembered that but he said the wrong thing at the wrong time as the immortal girl tilted her head in confusion as she lowered herself to look at me intently.

Her red, crimson eyes never once left me and I held my breath, wanting so much for her to say no.

But she didn't, she just stared at me, as if she wanted me to say it instead.

[I… I did-]

..

..

Misery likes company, but in my case… it must be so true as for the third time that day, my sentence was interrupted, this time by a ferocious howl of anger as the amulet that she gave me slipped from my hand and on to the ground, cutting me off.

The both of us stared at it for a moment, horror in my eyes and confusion in hers. But a second later, I was filled with regret and her with anger as she screamed, screamed so loud that it was like a shockwave, bowling Miyu-chan back while causing him to lose his footing.

[YOU'RE THE HALF-BEAST!]

[YOU LIED TO ME! WHY?]

..

..

Rising into the air, she gathered flames around her as I looked on, speechless in my guilt and in my pain as she raised her hand at me, someone that I had thought would understand was now turning against me.

[I TRUST YOU! I THOUGHT, I THOUGHT YOU WERE YOUKAI… BUT YOU LIED TO ME! WHY?]

I could understand her pain and anguish, someone that she trusted was lying to her from the start. All the trust that she placed in me was shattered.

As they say, it takes ages to build trust but an instant to destroy it.

Her trust in me was gone.

..

..

[DID YOU FIND IT FUN TO MOCK ME WHEN I WAS NOT AROUND? YOU SAID YOU CHASED HER OFF, BUT YOU ARE HER, AND SHE IS YOU! ONE AND ONLY THE SAME, DO YOU LIKE TO MOCK ME? HUH!]

Screaming her anguish and pain at me, I was unable to reply and I just shook my head.

[N-No… I.. .I…]

..

* * *

..

..

_Perhaps I should have told her the truth from the start…_

_.._

_.._

_

* * *

_

I had nothing else to say as I just hung my head down in shame, it was true after all that I had kept the truth from her… and that was it mattered.

No matter what I say would change that fact.

[THERE I WAS, THINKING THAT A YOUKAI HAD FALLEN FOR A HUMAN… HOW… how… how could I… not be happy for you…]

Suddenly, she stopped and she seemed to be crying as she wiped tears away from her eyes before descending down to the ground.

[… for a youkai… to fall in love with a human… how taboo it is… HOW taboo is it?... it is impossible…]

..

..

Shaking her head, it seemed that it was her turn to pour her heart out to me as she slowly walked closer and closer.

For an immortal like her, she faces the same problems like me… loneliness, of being rejected and of course… never truly feel quite right with people or youkai.

[I… thought you understood me… BUT, YOU DIDN'T!]

Turning angry again, all the sanity seemed to drain from her eyes as she cackled loudly.

[I REMEMBER NOW… WHEN I KILLED HER… I KILLED HER… I KILLED HIM… I WAS A CHILD, BLINDED BY MY OWN INNOCENCE… AMAZING THAT AFTER A THOUSAND YEARS, I WOULD FALL FOR IT AGAIN… well now…]

..

..

Lowering her head, she raised one hand and screamed at me.

[DIE!]

I swore she was going to hit me with the fireball but she did not, instead she flung it to the right, hitting another youkai in it's face as it emerged from the bushes.

[… you and I, we will talk.]

Her sanity returning for a split second, she shrugged as I was helped up by the speechless young man as she flung fireballs after fireballs at the mob of youkai.

[…Don't get it wrong, I will never forgive you for lying to me…]

[THEY WILL PAY FOR YOUR CRIME INSTEAD.]

Roaring her approval, the string of fireballs increase in intensity as she just obliterated them in an instant, leaving us three, the powerless humans staring awestruck at her powers.

..

..

She was beautiful even with blood and gore all over her and her clothes scorched due to her own flames. As she straightened her back and brushed her hair, she seemed like the devil and the angel together. The angelic fair skin and figure, the flaming wings that sprouted from her back and the devilish red eyes and the claws that were stained with blood.

I was amazed at the sight but my body moved instinctively again the next instant.

[KAMISHIRASAWA!]

And my vision went black after feeling excruciating pain for the second time that day.

..

..

* * *

..

..

[… uhh?]

Waking up in bed, I groaned and winced in pain as my senses returned to me, the first thing that I felt was pain, pain beyond imagination as I screamed out loud.

[AHHHHHHHHHHH!]

[You're awake! Someone get the doctor!]

Hearing someone call, I did not stop screaming in pain till someone muffled me with a piece of cloth and poured some sort of liquid over me, reducing the pain some what.

[Ah.. AH… AHH]

..

..

Pulling desperately on the strong hand, I pleaded with him to stop the pain in whatever way possible as it was pure torture, excruciating pain ripping through my body and tearing my mind to ribbons.

[There, there Kamishirasawa-san… keep calm and swallow this…]

The voice was calm and understanding as a bottle was shoved into my mouth and I was helped to sit up and drink the liquid, which tasted like alcohol.

[… ah… ah…]

Slowly, pins and needles were felt from where I previously felt pain before but it was an eternity before all the pain subsided and I could release my vice-like grip from the hand.

[Ah… t-thank you…]

[You've woken up, that's all that I need to know… you're really strong, Kamishirasawa-san.]Remarking to me, the hand disappeared from my fading sight as it pushed me down to bed again.

..

..

[I'll call the others, you'll be fine soon.]

I did not want him to leave, no matter who he is as I was afraid of the pain…

[Be patient… you've been out for a week.]

[A-A Week!]

Sitting up suddenly and doubling back in pain the next instant, I clamped my eyes shut as I tried not to cry and to scream in pain.

[A-AHH!]

* * *

..

..

The cycle of pain and drinking the painkiller continued for several days and once again, it was him that was beside my bed, tending to me with a patient smile and an even stronger desire to exceed me.

Taking over all my classes while I was bedridden, he still found time to help out with the village as I laid in the village hospital, a small room compared to the school.

[… I'm sorry…]

Apologizing to him was all that I can do as I tried hard to recover as quickly as possible.

..

..

_[… use this, it's given by her…]_

_[You m-mean… her?]_

_[Yes… you were struck by her by accident and she is guilty. I found it back in the river, she's very apologetic I see it.]_

_[T-Thank you…]_

_Looking at him, I did not see any sign of hostility and it seems that he has begun to understand at least why I protected her as he remarked to me._

_[Amazing girl… she took out all the youkai and saved us in the process… but you were silly to block that fireball… she was aiming at the youkai behind Miyu-chan…]_

..

..

_[… yea… I should have known… but…]_

_[No, I would have done the same thing…]_

_Smiling, he kissed me softly before looking out the window, sighing while asking me._

_[Can I ever be as strong as the two of you, Kamishirasawa?]_

_[Strong?]_

..

_[… mm…mm… knowing what it is that you should protect… being stronger in ways I can never imagine… can you imagine… being like that for hundreds of years…]_

_It seems he has indeed thought deep about this issue as he squeezed my hand tighter than ever._

_[But I won't give up… till the day you say I've reached you, Kamishirasawa. To her too.]_

_[…Silly… you've reached me in spirit long ago…]_

_Ignoring the pain, I leaned forward and kissed him on the lips once before remarking._

_[If you are any weaker, I would not even do that.]_

_[… do what… do this?]_

_[E-Eh…stupid… you're embarrassing me…]_

_.._

_..  
_

Recalling his words and his words of warning that I should stay in bed for as long as I can, I tried my best to maintain the façade of being bedridden although with the help of the medicine that he passed me, I was fine in a few days.

..

..

_[If they ever find out how you recovered so quickly, you'll be labeled youkai.]_

_.._

_..  
_

It was quite true but it pained me more to see how haggard he was every day due to my injury. He has to take over the school, continue his martial arts practice, help out in the village, visit me every day and do as much of my work as he possibly can every day.

It pains me and touched me that he would do so much for plain old me without a hint of a break.

One night as he fell asleep beside my bed, I sat up, took the papers from him and marked every single one as quickly as I could possibly can.

It was like before, waking up at night and doing all of my work and sleeping during the day.

..

..

The arrangement was only between us and he definitely recovered his vitality in a few days of the implementation. Even though he might complain that he could handle all of it, I was determined and in the end he had to say that it might actually work well that way. We got to spend more time together as a result and were happier for it.

..

..

A month passed by without mishap and I was discharged from hospital with not even a scratch on me despite the severity of the burns, much of it thanks to the miracle medicine and my own youkai regenerative powers.

..

..

[… ]

Sitting with him on the edge of time, once again at the shade of a particular tree, I wondered aloud what had happened to her after I was knocked out.

Details were sketchy as he did not want to speak much about it in public but now that we were alone, I figured I would want details.

[… She apologized for doing that, but not after I had a go at her. Needless to say she flattened me straight.]

[… silly, you should never challenge youkai, not someone like her.]

[Yes, I should have known, but I was mad that she almost killed you… you were saved by the amulet thou…]

Pointing at the amulet, he grinned when he re-enacted that scene when she ran back to the forest, shouting her apologies at him who was holding me.

..

..

[Honestly, you're embarrassing me…]

Being carried bridal-style in plain sight was making me flush pink but I've began to notice that he likes teasing me for fun at regular intervals.

Such evil is not tolerated as I smacked his head once.

[Hey hey…]

[He… heheh~]

Giggling together, we spent the day of the full moon together under the shade of that particular tree, with no worries to bog us down.

..

..


	9. Chapter 9

**Finding History with your Flame**

**Chapter 9: Of a New Page, Endings and Goodbyes**

**Original Concept: ZUN and Shanghai Alice**

**written by: wrathie**

**..**

**..**

**Author's Notes: It's a sad, hard chapter to write. So please R&R**

**

* * *

**

..

..

[!]

I was not expecting this at all, instead of the warm welcome that I was expecting when I meet her again at our designated spot, I was greeted with a fierce argument that bordered between me lying to her and my reasons for lying to her.

It was so heated that she threw a few fireballs at me in anger and I lashed out defensively with white lasers that shot right up to the heavens after missing her.

..

..

_[I DON'T WANT TO EVER SEE YOU AGAIN! LIAR!]_

_[B-But I…]_

_[I WAS MISTAKEN ABOUT YOU, SAYING THAT YOU UNDERSTOOD ME… LIES, ALL LIES!]_

_[P-Please… I… I was afraid…]_

_[HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU TOLD ME TO NOT BE AFRAID AND TO JUST DO IT? YOU'RE LYING FROM THE START.]_

_[… I … I just… we're the same, you and I… aren't we?]_

_[… You just want to see me poked fun by the villagers, chased out and forever be alone… that's all you wanted, you bitch.]_

_[A-Ah!]_

_[We will never see each other again, you liar and cheater…]_

..

..

Turning her back, she flew away, leaving the ground scorched with marks of our encounter and of me crying my heart out in the middle of it all.

[… It is horrible… very horrible… I-I don't mean it that way…]

Sobbing to him as we sat together, I told him what had happened the night before, hoping that he would understand. Thankfully he did and he comforted me by putting his hands around me and cooing softly to me.

[it's alright… it's alright…]

Patting my head, he seemed to have something on his mind as he spoke to me about her. Something does not seem right as my hands curled around his.

[… are you hiding something from me?]

..

..

At this point of time, I was getting a little suspicious about him acting weirdly. Something told me that there was something wrong and as I looked at him more, I found that indeed, he seemed more haggard. He did not shave, his hair was in a mess and he seemed to be limping.

[W-What's going on… hey…]

Reaching for his face, I touched him on his check only to see him turn away.

[Ah… nothing's much… had a long talk yesterday night… so got a little hurt on the way back…]

[With the elder?]

[Something like that…]

Scratching his head, he smiled as he looked away and up to the sky.

I could imagine what the village elder said to him, about our marriage.

Although we are in love, I still could not force myself to tie the knot with him as my workload is still staggering high. I would rather everything is a little settled down before the knot is tied…

From what I can see, everyone else is anxious for us to get married and settle down…

..

..

[… I'm sorry…]

[Sorry?]

Bowing my head, I looked away too as I felt something akin to sorrow bubble up my chest and remind me of the happiness that I felt with him, just solely with him.

[If I wasn't the head of the Kamishirasawa house… we wouldn't…]

[.. .silly…]

He never replied me, just sat there with me as we spent another day in each other's company…

..

..

* * *

[… she's not here again…]

Night after night, I searched the forest for her, hoping that she would give me the chance to explain myself or at least, let me apologize to her but she was nowhere to be found.

The scent of fire burning was faint and I could not pinpoint where she was… It was like searching for a needle in a haystack.

I…it's hopeless..

Sitting by myself in the forest with all my papers, I slowly marked them one by one as I took a small breather. School was cancelled due to the wedding of yet another happy couple and I was free for the whole day, unfortunately for him, he is on duty at the local Shrine and was unable to come with me.

Sitting on the top of a tree, I hope to get a bird's eye view on the whole forest and I observed some interesting things while in this position.

Youkai fairies seemed to avoid the area around the shrine like a plague and they seemed more accommodating to the Human village, floating in and floating out of it like it was their home.

Stronger youkai were not seen but I would have imagined they would not let themselves be seen so easily by a lowly human like me.

..

..

[well.. .semi-human… I suppose-]

Hearing something, I paused and curled myself into as tiny a ball as I could possibly manage while looking at the general direction, hoping that my intuition is right.

_It's her!_

Walking cautiously, she looked around anxiously before taking a deep breath and stretching herself.

[…]

Sitting on a nearby log, she pulled out a small flute from her pocket and slowly, ever so slowly blew into it.

[~~~]

..

..

The music that she was playing was… sad, really sad.

It told of her life, sad and climatic with the music raising up in it's tenure and dropping just as quickly. There were pauses in her music as she stopped and seemed to be pondering her own past.

Repeating herself over and over, I sense the sadness in her music as she expressed it so smoothly and her fingers flew over the flute expertly.

She must have time over the thousand of years to perfect this but yet, the strained and melancholic expression broke my heart as she played.

The climax of the tune was when she just blew small, repetitive notes that seemed to express nothing but once again, her face expressed everything. Sadness, anticipation, loneliness… the passing of time…

..

..

Just as quickly, the climax ended and she blew hard and fast on her flute, showing her emotions plainly through her music.

Sensing the end of her tune, I watched as she suddenly stopped mid-way, abruptly ending her playing as she leaned back on the log and sighed, stretching her hand up as if to reach the sky.

[…]

..

..

..

So lonely…

I could just make out the emotion that she was expressing by just lying there.

It must be lonely, for all of eternity to be alone and shunned by others, not being able to interact with others.

People will leave in front of your eyes and there is nothing you can do about it, powerless to die… powerless to do anything.

[…]

Gritting my hands, I vowed that I would at least, apologize to her… and be with her, the least I can do… for her… someone who is like me.

* * *

..

..

[You want to learn how to play a flute?]

[Yes, do you know how?]

It was worth it to see the surprised expression on his face as he looked at me incuriously. It must be somewhat of a shock, a stuffy, upright and busy woman like me wanting to learn how to play the flute.

But that might just be my own thinking as he just tilted his head and ask me.

[Is that for a class?]

[No, my personal interest.]

[…]

[why yes, I Kamishirasawa Keine, does have personal interest… it's just… my first one…]

..

..

Angrily reprimanding him and admitting softly to him in the end, I blushed when he chuckled and led me to his room.

[Well, here you go. I am a good flute player and I can probably coach you.]

Patting my head, he whipped out the flute and began playing it expertly.

To my surprise however, it was quite similar to the tune I heard from the immortal girl.

[H-Hey! Could you teach me that?]

[Mm? this is pretty tough although it is my favorite of all…]

[Please! C'mon!]

Begging him, I blushed when he just nodded and pinched my cheeks.

[You're so beautiful I can't resist.]

[Ohhhhhhhhhh you!]

..

..

It was a tedious process, learning the ropes from the beginning but I was determined to play it as well as he could. He seemed to make it sound and look so easy but in reality, even all of history could not help one as me who had no talent in music.

[Just, try, try again.]

Was his words and I took it to heart. He inspired me to work hard as he was the embodiment of hard work, finally capturing my heart after tons of hard work and determination.

So I clawed my way steadily and slowly, improving slowly unlike him.

It was hard work but I managed to practice my playing every single day while still spending time with him, happy in our isolation and manage to get all the other paperwork done.

..

..

In a flash, it was the night of the full moon again and I set off, trying my best not to shiver and shake at the prospects of messing up…

But again, he was there, urging me on slowly and with a smile.

[Go on… it'll be fine.]

How I wish to be able to hear those words again…

[!]

The look of surprise on her face as I continued on from her was worth every single piece of hard work that I placed in practicing.

I funneled every single bit of my emotion into the song, reflecting myself in it and to my joy, she continued playing the song with me after a slight pause.

She seemed, a little contented but at the end of the tune, she disappeared in a burst of flame, only leaving a burning circle to signal that she was there in the first place.

..

..

[…]

Till now, I haven't got her name…

[So… did she listen to you?]

He seemed to be expecting my answer as I told it to him in great detail. I love the smile of his now, confident in what he is doing and mysterious the next. Was it the same attributes that attracted him to me? I feel… insignificant now despite my abilities, his coolness in dealing with things while I just flustered more and more.

Have I fallen back while he is beyond me, leading me through life now?

..

..

[Silly… that's my own thoughts.]

Shaking my head, I reminded myself that it although it was indeed him who changed my life, I have my own say in my life…

[I make my own decisions and my own path is forged by myself.

[… like this.]

..

..

It was time, perhaps it truly was time…

Pondering on that thought on the night after the full moon, I looked back at him and told myself that perhaps it was indeed time.

He has indeed embraced all of me, loved me to the fullest, every single part of me he did experience.

I am half human, half youkai, the head of the Kamishirasawa house… eater and recorder of history…

He knew all of that.. and embraced me tightly in all of my forms.

Even when I rejected him, abandoned him, showed disinterest in him… showed myself to be totally different from him, in form and in nature, he has not let go of me a single bit.

* * *

..

..

He never did break his promise and….

_[Would you still give me a chance?]_

[Yes…. I will.]

Change, how nostalgic…

How can such a simple word bring such joy to everyone and at the same time, such pain.

Change can never be predicted, gauged or be removed from the equation of life.

It will never disappear… never…

* * *

..

..

[Ah… Children!]

Mid-way through the last lesson of the day, a fire suddenly broke out in the school engulfing everything in sight.

Running forward, I gathered the children together and quickly urged them to leave the school, praying that the building will hold as I urged them to go faster behind them.

[Kamishirasawa!]

Calling from the entrance he called for us to hurry as he held a burning pillar with his bare hands, allowing us room to escape.

[Go children!]

Pushing them through, we were in the clear, out of the school and as we stepped out, I saw some of the children collapse to their knees and started crying.

Pure adrenaline flooded me and I finally got the measure of how close the situation was. Had we been a second later, some of them would not have made it and I sighed in relief.

The villagers were running our direction as well, carrying buckets of water and everything they could to douse the fire with.

..

..

[Oh no!]

Doing a head count, I realize to my horror that one child was missing and I immediately dashed back into the school, followed by him as we sieved through the smoke in hopes of finding him.

[Keep your head down…]

Reminding him, we crawled as we made our way back into the burning school. The billowing black smoke made seeing difficult and I had to squint my eyes to see what was in front of me. The heat was getting to me too as well as the debris that was falling on us.

Twice I had to pull him out of the way of a falling piece of burning cinder.

[! Sensei!]

Hearing a terrified voice coming from where the teacher's table was, the both of us looked at one another and hurriedly ran towards it.

[Are you alright?]

..

..

Trying my best to ignore the heat and the ominous sounds of the fire crackling away, I found the little boy curled up in a ball below what was left of the table and he waved desperately at us to save him.

[Okay… hold on tight.]

Flashing a brilliant smile at him, he pulled the little boy out of the small hole he had somehow managed to hide inside.

[T-Thank you, Sensei!]

Managing a smile as he ran out of his arms and into mine, I chided him for running away and then looked up to see that he was looking around to see if there were any other students left in the school.

[ANYONE! CAN YOU HEAR ME! IS THERE ANYONE HERE!]

..

..

I joined him in the screaming despite the heat as I was anxious to see if I had missed anyone and that the heat was getting to me.

Hiding under my skirt, the little boy was screaming too and after a few minutes, we decided that there should be no one left as I could hear the faint sounds of the villagers calling our names.

[Let's go… hold tight to me now, alright?]

Urging him to get down from the remains of the teacher's desk, I was staring right at him when it happened.

[!]

An entire chunk of the roof collapsed right on top of him and in a deafening crash, fell on top of him.

[NOOOOO!]

..

..

My scream was audible even with the roaring sound of the flame and the cry of the boy as I ran towards where he once stood, ignoring all that was in my way and not giving a damn about my own safety.

[NO! PLEASE! ANSWER ME!]

Pulling away bits of the wooden roof, I slowly but painstakingly dug into the mountain of debris.

[No, no… NO!]

Shaking my head to stop myself from crying, I was suddenly pulled back by the little boy who was crying out loud.

[SENSEI, SENSEI!]

He too was heart broken and he sat beside me, pulling at whatever he could to try and help me.

[No… you go back… go…]

..

..

Wiping the tears away, I urged him to run out for help, leaving me alone here and he refused.

[No, sensei no! I want to help!]

[Please, get help!]

Shaking my head, I pushed him and slowly he stood up, tears still welling up in his eyes as he tried one last time.

[Sensei, sensei we'll go togeth-]

[GO!]

..

..

Once more I screamed and this time he flinched at the velocity and strength of my scream. It was enough to bowl him over and he sobbingly nodded and ran away, leaving me alone still shifting the rubble.

My life with him was flashing in front of my eyes and it seemed so short, too short that I did not want him to leave.

[Please… please!]

Begging for him to be still alive, I reached for my youkai strength and I pulled a particular big chunk of wood away to see finally see him, bleeding but still alive in the rubble.

[!]

..

..

Words failed me as I just hugged him and kissed him. For a second there I was afraid that I would lose him forever and as I clung on to him, I did not want to ever let go.

[uuh…]

Regaining his consciousness, I managed a smile as I kissed him solidly on his lips as he stared wonderingly at me.

[W-What happ-… ouch…]

Wincing, it was then that I realized that half of his body was still stuck in the rubble and I quickly got up, only to fall back to my knees coughing.

[-cough- cough-]

Inhaling the smoke was making my vision hazy and I clutched my chest to contain the pain that I felt as I pulled out the rubble that was trapping him.

..

[Stop… Kamishirasawa…]

..

_I did not hear that…_

[Kamishirasawa… hear me… stop]

..

_I did not hear that…_

[KAMISHIRASAWA]

[JUST ONE MORE! JUST ONE MORE AND YOU'LL BE FREE!]

..

..

The outburst was all that I had left and I fell to my knees as I threw another piece of the rubble away.

..

[no… just one more…]

..

I must have looked terrible, my hair was in a mess, my hands were bleeding from digging through the rubble but I am sure that inside me, I was more torn up.

Could there be anything worst than…

[I'm dying… Kamishirasawa…]

[NO! YOU WON'T! HELP IS COMING! NO!]

[I am. Stop arguing… -cough-]

..

Coughing up blood, he managed a smile that seemed more cruel to me…

Could there be anything worst…

[NO! NOO! NO!]

I could not stop shaking my head as he just held my hands, tenderly squeezing it as I hugged and kissed him.

NO! NOO!

..

..

[You can't leave, no you can't! YOU CAN'T!]

[… I know my time is up…]

How could he still smile… how COULD HE STILL SMILE? HOW!

[YOU CAN'T!]

[… it's not bad… to see… the one that I love… still with me… to the end… so…]

[NO! YOU CAN'T! YOU CAN'T GO! YOU JUST CAN'T! THERE ARE THINGS THAT I HAVEN'T SAID TO YOU… YOU JUST CAN'T…]

..

..

Perhaps I was being childish, throwing a temper tantrum like that but I had nary a choice… he was leaving me…

The fire surrounding me be damned, I do not want him to go!

ANYTHING BUT THAT!

[Smile… Kamishirasawa… smile… for me…]

Looking up, I had a good look at his blood rimmed lips and I could not help myself but cry again, this time louder as I screamed my indignant at the gods above me.

[Don't stay things like that, you'll be fine! We'll be together again, so hold on… JUST HOLD ON! HOLD ON!]

..

..

Shaking him, I pleaded with him to just hand on as I looked desperately around me for help even as deep down, I knew it was futile.

He knew it too, that life was trickling away from him as he just smiled at me, knowing his time was up.

HOW COULD ANYONE ACCEPT ONE'S FATE.

I wanted to scream at him, scream at him for losing to his own fate so easily… giving up so easily…

But to do so would be wasting the time he has left with me… that was even more sillier..

..

..

[No… please don't leave me… you didn't give me the chance…]

[Hey…]

Managing something as the light slowly went out of his eyes, I coughed and manage a smile as I squeezed his hand tightly in the middle of the burning fire.

The crackling sounds of the fire, the scent of burning wood were magically removed and I smelt flowers and the gentle wind against me as he spoke, probably for the last time.

..

..

* * *

..

..

_[Kamishirasawa…]_

_[y-yes?]_

..

_[Would you… give me a chance…]_

_[… yes… yes…]_

..

If only I had said this sooner… if I just… had said this sooner…

..

_[Smile for me…]_

_[yes…]_

_[and live…]_

..

I will go with him, I've decided.

..

_[no…]_

_[… live for me, Kamishirasawa…]_

**_[No…]_**

And all went black.

..

..

* * *

..

..

_[hey…]_

_[mm?]_

_[Thank you… for saving Kamishirasawa.]_

_[…]_

_[… can… you promise me something?]_

_[What?]_

_[… she's lonely… very lonely..]_

..

..

_[Hmph. Coming from you, I shouldn't be surprised.]_

_[…]_

_[heh… for a human. You're surprisingly interesting.]_

_..  
_

_[… thank you… and goodbye, Kamishirasawa…]_

_..  
_

* * *

..

..

[…]

I woke up once more surrounded by the village women as they peered at me, relief in their eyes as I blinked at them, surprised that I was alive and then everything just kicked in.

[…]

Turning my head away, I tried to come to grips with the reality that I am alone again and that he was gone.

[… Kamishirasawa-san]

Brushing their hands off me, I did not feel that those hands were comforting me, instead they seemed to be mocking me, making me hurt more as they tried their best to comfort me.

..

..

_[I'm sorry…]_

_[For such a thing to happen to you… it's just…]_

_[… I wish I was there sooner…]_

..

..

How I wished I could lash at them now, blaming them for the death… death of my…

[-sobs-]

All I could do was cry, knowing that it was nobody's fault that this happened… but I had survived the flame… I had survived the fire despite my determination not to and go with him to higan, to see the judge…

Life… is so unfair…

Change is there… change is ever omnipotent… powerful beyond words and I hate it…

I honestly hate it…

Like the brief wind that brushes against me as I sat on my porch, unable to focus and to do anything, just like a doll… the brief wind will disappear without a trace…

Taking it, my only source of happiness and my only source of strength…

.

..

**My love…**

**Is gone**

**Just like that…**

..

..

_[…thank you, Kamishirasawa…]_

..

..

I could still see him in my dreams, pinned under the rubble and coughing blood.

Instead of the warm hands that held me, they were cold and they gripped me tightly despite my protests.

[Why… why must I go…]

Asking me, blaming me for his death and there was nothing I can do about it… I survived…

[I'm sorry… I'm sorry!]

[You said you'll go with me… YOU SAID SO!]

..

..

I survived and he did not… was t-that fair?

I… I…

**_[live for me… Kamishirasawa…]_**

..

..

Yet again, his gentle words saved me, cruel and unforgiving it was as he told me to live, to live for his sake.

But yet, how could I do such a thing… live while he is gone…

* * *

**Authors Notes: I have only one thing to say: It's never IC-ly canon for human X youkai relationships to last in Touhou imo...**


	10. Chapter 10

**Finding History with your Flame**

**Chapter 10: Of A Gift and Her Trademark  
**

**Original Concept: ZUN and Shanghai Alice**

**written by: wrathie**

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**..**

**Author's Notes: Thanks for your R&R, I won't be updating Shrine of Gensokyo for a week or two due to it having spoilers =3**

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..

..

He must have known he was going to die, I knew that… but it does not change the fact and lessen the pain that is ripping through me right now.

..

..

I had totally detached myself from the village, not going to school, not even stepping out of the house as I sat at home pining for him.

..

..

I did leave the house ONCE, just once… and that is to attend the funeral and to share in the village elder's silent mourning for three days.

I was crying throughout the first 2 days but on the last, my tears had ran dry and I was a hollow shell, unable to cry or even to show any hint of emotions at all.

..

..

_Life is cruel…_

..

..

[… is it worth it?]

I find myself asking the same question over and over again as I sat in my home, not carrying about anything. Life seems meaningless now…

With him, my 'new' life was gone and I was reluctant to go back to my previous life of being at school, barely interacting with the people and returning home to rest…

Nothing seemed right…

..

..

Having tasted love once, I have changed… perhaps… allowing emotions to be born inside me was the wrong decision after all.

..

..

I had asked the same question before:

_For such a fleeting moment of happiness, is an eternal life of hardship and unease worth it?_

..

..

* * *

Was it worth it?

* * *

..

..

[… hmph.]

Hearing a voice in my room, I spun around only to be greeted by the immortal girl, who was sitting on my windowsill as she glared at me.

Her bluish hair shone in the moonlight and I slowly got up, bowing to her.

..

..

[… hello…]

[… why are you still behaving in that way?[

..

..

Asking me, she shrugged when I just gaped at her, unable to do anything else besides that as she jumped from the window sill to my table and sitting on it.

Her cool confidence was still present and she grinned coolly as she took one of the amulets she had given me and stuffed it into her pocket.

..

..

At least, she is one part of my life that seemed unaffected…

..

..

[I saved you, know that.]

[… I know… I've heard…]

..

..

She saved me from the fire, I do not blame her for doing that… but in the process, she has been labeled as the starter of the fire. A youkai with abilities to manipulate fire is the most logical culprit and seeing how fast she ran away, they immediately accused her of being guilty of her crimes.

It was only after I pleaded with them that he would not have wished for this right after his death did they stop the search party.

..

..

It made me proud that he would be so accommodating to youkai but even that thought made me cry as I sniffed slowly as I nodded to her.

..

..

[H-hey…]

[Yes?]

[I… I want to erase history…]

[?]

[I… don't want this to happen…]

..

..

* * *

If I had known… if I had known before the pain that I would feel after losing him, I just, just could not bear it…

It is painful, so painful that I could not bear it…

Every single detail that I can associate with her made my heart ached. From the smallest of objects like the brush on my table to the burnt down school that he and I spent the last moments together.

A ghostly image of him smiling at me would haunt me every time I wake up and I would wish, wish with all my might that it is just a bad dream and everything was not real… his death was just an illusion and not reality.

..

..

In the middle of the night I would cry out his name, flail madly to find his comforting hand, how he squeezed my hands as he talked to me.

I have never, never experienced such pain before like my heart was ripped apart and that a part of me had just died with him.

Depending on him unconsciously, he had truly stolen what I held most precious to me…

And so…

..

..

[If I erased history… would I not feel this pain?]

More like a statement than a question that I posed to her, I wondered as I felt my youkai powers flood my entire body.

..

..

_Youkai will always cause disasters, humans will never trust youkai_

_Just like those minute differences between us, humans will never be together with youkai_

_ .._

_..  
_

[This feeling of pain… would it disappear if I remove history… if I never accepted him… would I… would I… not feel that pain?]

..

..

..

[Ya know, he's really an amazing human, in many ways.]

[…]

..

Breaking my flow of thoughts, I looked at her for a moment as she looked disappointed at me.

Lately she has been popping by every single day, whether talking with me or just sitting with me at the wee hours of the night.

I enjoyed her company but I somehow manage to like it more when she did not speak. I wish I could have her confidence, her ability to just place a strong front in front of her.

..

..

[Really amazing… he is… especially regarding this.]

..

..

Pulling out her flute, my heart jumped and stopped at the same time as I looked at the item and when she prayed, I just felt my heart rise and fall according to the tenure of the song.

It is the one and only thing that he taught me… her song…

..

[… he's a genius… Really am…]

..

Remarking to me as she stopped halfway, at the point where she usually stops, she grinned as she pointed to the instrument on my table, the flute he gave to me before continuing.

..

..

[He learnt that from me… all of it, in three days.]

[W-What?]

[Didn't you know that? I made that song up… no one would know how to play it without me teaching him.]

..

..

* * *

..

Grinning, she said no more as she took a heavy drink of the sake that she brought with her.

Di-Did he contact her… just to learn how to play… no…

..

..

[H-How did he…]

[Oh, how did he know me? Simple.]

..

..

Grinning, she replied me simply and easily with one sentence.

..

..

_[He had me with three words: 'let's. be. Friends.']_

..

..

… it was…

I … I just can't describe the mixture of emotions I was feeling now.

Was it awe, embarrassment, pride, or anger?

Am I at awe at his simple but effective message?

Am I embarrassed at his tactless words?

Am I proud of how confident he is?

Or… am I just angry at myself for avoiding the most obvious thing in the world.

..

[He… went after me after I took you down and… well, he made quite a ruckus.. he was mad, oh yea he was mad. VERY MAD]

Laughing, she took another swig of sake before raising her foot to rest on the table and staring at me.

[But he cooled down and told me that… he's an amazing human… he learnt that from me… ya know, prolly to teach you. Not that I minded but, I wAS surprised…]

..

..

What she said later just did not reach me, my mind was just going through what she had just told me.

He was in regular contact with her and he gave me the chance to make up with her… every single thing that I did, he anticipated it… he knew that she liked that song… he must have known I would hear it somehow and… just planned all this…

[… no…]

..

..

I should be mad at him for lying to me, I could be mad at him for hiding the truth from me, from not telling me that he knew her…

..

..

But I could not… I… I knew… that I could not…

The same thoughts I had when I met her must have crossed his mind as he considered that plan…

..

[…he just wanted me… to reconcile with you… right?]

[Who knows… … what I know is… he… never wavered.]

..

..

Looking at me seriously, she stood up, walked over to me and patted my head just like what he would have done if he was still here.

..

..

[He will not want to see you like this. Not once and never will he want this.]

And with that, she was gone again.

..

..

* * *

...

..

[I… What have I done…?]

Thinking those dangerous thoughts… what have I done?

[… …]

Clutching my own hands, I felt my whole body go limp as I feel to my knees and just sobbed at my insensitiveness.

..

...

_[Smile for me…]_

_[yes…]_

_[and live…]_

..

Even at his dying moments he never forgot his promise, to love me, all of me and till his last moment he never regretted knowing me.

Every single moment with me, every single conversation we had whether at odds with one another or not… every single thing that we exchanged… he held that to his heart till the end…

[He… he loved me…]

[And I… I…]

..

..

**_Love him…_**

_ .._

_..  
_

[… how could I ever do that…]

Erasing our love… how could I even imagine that… no, that the thought had appeared in my mind is preposterous in the first place.

To remove everything we have done together is erasing all that he had showed me, all that he had taught me… all the changes in my life he had brought me… all of it, just gone. The good with the bad…

[I… betrayed his trust in me… how could I ever imagine doing such a thing in the first place…]

My own hands felt cold even to me and I slapped myself repeatedly to try and drive that beastly thought from my mind.

[Stupid…]

I can never forget him, the happy moments we had… everything we shared together…

..

..

[He would have wanted this… never to regret this… and never to forget this…]

Closing my eyes, I reached my hand out and just for a second, I swore I felt someone squeeze my hand slightly.

[Thank you… for everything…]

..

..

* * *

..

..

The next day I left the house for what seemed like eternity and walked straight towards the elder's home. If there was anyone more devastated then I am, it would be his family.

He was their son and to have him leave at such a young age must be a terrible blow. Coupled with the fact that he was their only son would only make that worst…

..

..

[…]

Standing in front of their home, I hesitated for a second in knocking on the door. He never did once blame me for the accident… but he must have felt unhappy that the both of us never got hitched and spent the nuptial night together…

[….]

Would he hate me for that? For not giving his son and him the chance of seeing our son or daughter? It might well be a distinct possibility and I recoiled in fear at that thought.

[… should I…?]

Raising my hand, I nervously knocked on the door and waited for a reply. The village elder's home was tiny compared to mine who had it's own yard as it was just a small house with four rooms and before I could decide on flight or fight, he had answered the door.

..

..

[Ah.]

Words failed me and him as we met face to face at the door. His wrinkles seemed to have deepened and his cheeks have sunk in, showing that he has not been eating well this few weeks.

[… Elder.]

[Kamishirasawa….]

Looking at me, he paused for a second before he smiled and after placing a hand on my shoulder, welcomed me in like he always did.

..

..

[… so, what brings you here… I must thank you for being with us during the… mourning… I appreciate it…]

Struggling to smile at me, he blinked in surprise when I knelt in front of him and apologized, knocking my head on the floor several times to prove my point.

[Please forgive me…]

[F-Forgive you, Kamishirasawa… what are you saying?]

His trembling hands struggled to lift me up but I stubbornly refused to stand and remained in position till he too gave up and just told me to stand up.

[Please, Kamishirasawa… there is no need for you to apologize…]

Imploring me, he sat in front of me and bowed to me too and this was something I could not accept and I helped him up with both of my hands.

[Elder… I… I have failed your expectations… I…]

..

..

[Failed… my expectations?]

..

..

[yes, failed your expectations… ]

[Pray tell… what my expectations of you…are]

[I… never married… your son… I didn't protect him… I… could not do anything, just watch helplessly as he left… I-I broke my promise.]

Lowering my head, I told him what I felt of him, how I spent everyday after the incident running away from the truth that I, truly was too late and there was nothing, nothing that I won't give to have another chance to tell him that I loved him. Nothing at all…

..

..

[Kamishirasawa… don't be so harsh on yourself…]

Putting a hand on my shoulder, he smiled as he told me.

[You've helped my son surpassed everything I've ever dreamt of…]

With tears in his eyes, he told me of the things his son has done, how his son has changed ever since meeting me…

..

..

[He used to be such a brat… a failure to the family name… he has changed…changed so much since meeting you.]

..

..

The things he did to impress the villagers, the many hours he spent in the house studying and preparing himself…

The reputation that he built up just by doing that alone surprised me… and that was not even counting the things he did for my sake.

...

..

[He used to tell the children to behave in front of you.. just to lower your workload a little… he would go to every house everyday to teach each child the days' lecture just for that…]

..

[Just because of you, Kamishirasawa…]

Smiling, he said that he is a son that any father would be proud of and he was proud for him to have met me.

..

[If it was not for you, Kamishirasawa… he would not become the man he is today. As of now, I am proud to say that he is my son and sad that he has left me…]

[I have taken him away from you, elder… if it was not for me… he wouldn't have…]

I could not bring myself from saying it and I openly wept in front of him, not caring about what he thought of me as the pain was too much.

..

..

[That is just fate, fate that he would leave so early, Kamishirasawa… at the least, you were with him till the last… I can vouch that he would be happy that you lived, Kamishirasawa.]

[How could you say that elder… he is your son, he…]

[Everything he did, he did for you… it would make him proud that he died for you, Kamishirasawa.]

Saying that seriously, he cried with me and the both of us clung together, united with our sorrow and our loss.

..

..

* * *

..

..

Before I left his home, I was presented with something that he had left behind.

..

..

[He was going to give it to you on the day he proposed, Kamishirasawa…]

..

..

Leading me to his room, he showed me the gift that he left behind and I was at a loss of words.

[W-What is that?]

[… … I think it is a hat… I think.]

..

The weird shape of that object took all of the sorrow out of me and the elder as we scrutinized that _thing _from the top to the bottom.

It was as if he wanted us to do that to relieve us of our sorrow.

..

..

[Perhaps… he planned it this way… I never did find out what was going on in his mind…]

[Neither could I… to think that he would fall for you so deeply…]

..

..

Looking at me, the both of us managed a smile before I accepted the _hat _from the elder.

It reminded me of a bento box, what with weird design that made it look like a pagoda and it was topped up with what seemed like an ornament at the tip of the hat...

[… I would not say it would look good on you… but it is the thought that counts….]

Sheepishly, he told me as he poured a cup of tea for me as I studied the item.

[… Yes… that is so. I…]

[Kamishirasawa… although we might not be in the same family as you are in, please…]

Taking a sip of tea as he told me, I was touched and embarrassed by what he said.

..

..

[I've always thought of you… as my daughter-in-law, Kamishirasawa… the first time I saw you with him, you smiled more brilliantly than any other women in the village.

You were the envy of the village, the one who seemed the most happiest and in total bliss at all time despite all of your workload…]

Coughing, he seemed to be just as embarrassed as me as he finished.

[You will always be part of our family, Kamishirasawa…]

..

..

[… yes… Always…]

..

..

Nodding my head, I smiled at him knowing what he meant.

Despite not going through the rites, he has always treated at me as family, whether as a daughter or as a daughter-in-law…

[and the same goes for me…]

..

..

Time flies and the elderly man in front of me seemed to be young again, very young when he was still a child nearly 60 years ago. Then he was mischievous and rebellious but he would always be the first person to speak up for me.

Even now, 60 years later and a giant modification of history later, he still possesses the same traits.

[…Thank you…]

..

..

* * *

**Author's Notes: Is it too sappy? And yes, she got her hat here  
**


	11. Chapter 11

**Finding History with your Flame**

**Chapter 11: Of The Storm In her Heart**

**Original Concept: ZUN and Shanghai Alice**

**written by: wrathie**

* * *

..

..

..

Back at home, I sat on the bed as I looked at the item that he left me. It was surely peculiar and as I ran my hands over it, I imagined the look on his face as he made this, carving out every single layer with his bare hands and the confused look on his face at the outcome.

[He… never was quite good at art…]

Giggling at the thought, I sniffled a bit too as I took the item and turned it upside down and left and right, just to get the feel of it.

I wanted to run my fingers all over it, every nook and cranny that his hands went over, I wanted to feel it and imagine his hands running over mine in the process.

It is peculiar, the design that made it resemble like a bento box with a weird ribbon tied on top of it. Surely he made it as a joke…

But I could not laugh at this item; this is the only thing that he left me, something that can never be replaced with all the riches in the world.

..

..

[Change is omnipotent, but my love for him… shall not waver… as long as… as long as…]

Caressing the weird object in my hand, I lifted it up and as thou it was meant to be there in the first place, placed it on my head and with just a small tap of my fingers, it fitted perfectly and snugly on my head.

..

..

**[… I love you… alright… I love you… so, so much…]**

..

..

* * *

..

..

[Say… what will you say, if you see me like this?]

Standing up, I walked to the window and looked out towards the surroundings of my home. That particular tree that sheltered us and provided us with relief still stood stoically at me, as if showing me that our love was witnessed by him, one who existed long before me.

[…]

A freak gust of wind blew and the leaves from the trees blew off and I watched as they blew off into the darkness, just like how he left me, sudden and with nothing left when it all ended.

No lingering trace of regret, no nothing… he left me just as suddenly as he met me… just like that…

..

[…]

Out of the corner of my eye, I could swore a brief, brief silhouette of our history still etched strongly on that particular tree and I stepped out of the house through the window, slowly making as less noise as possible, just like how I did in the past.

My every footstep brought my heart beating quicker and quicker as my feet sank slightly into the soft ground.

Carrying with me his last gift, I stood in front of the spot that we had engraved into our history and into our heart.

..

..

[Don't… laugh at me okay?]

..

Placing one hand on the trunk of the tree, I used the other to wear it once again.

..

_[Give yourself a chance…]_

..

That sentence, whispered to me by the wind, caught my tears just as they fell from my cheeks.

..

..

* * *

..

Life goes on, as life should. Life itself had gone by itself when I had thought my life had ended.

..

[Good Morning Children.]

Smiling and welcoming them in, I was happy that they looked eager to learn and seemed unshaken by the event that had rocked my world.

Time and life goes on, no matter what.

No one can truly stop time permanently, change too will forever be with us…

..

..

There has been a youkai attack that left us with two empty seats. The children were not shaken however and they insisted that they went to a better place…

Brave children… may they be blessed.

..

Life, as I said… went on…

..

..

* * *

..

[Hey…]

It has become quite a habit for us to meet at the bamboo grove after the incident every night. She was always there and it set my mind at ease to actually see her every night.

It is a sorrowful thing, to admit that he is gone… but at the same time, without him, my life could not begin and end the way it did.

I… loved him, and will always do, as long as his memento stays on my head…

..

That goes the same for her… seeing her everyday, makes me feel… a little happy and sad.

The person that had changed my life was perhaps her and not him. It was her that made me draw more interest in the surroundings around me.

It was her who comforted me in the darkest time of my life.

It was her who pulled me from death's grip and told me to live on.

He was the driving force, she is the main cause of the force…

Such irony… could I call it irony? I don't know..

..

..

[… You look ridiculous no matter how I look at it.]

[Oh shush… you look funny too… you would look so nice with a ponytail… and if you would comb a little…]

Chiding her, I giggled as I pulled at her hair, which was to her ankles now and started running my hand through it to smoothen it a bit.

[Nah, what's the use for that, not like I meet anyone else here…]

[You see me… and I've always wanted to look presentable…]

[… Tsk… not like I'm attractive to you, or something… am I?]

..

..

Grinning mischievously, she leaned her head closer to me and knocked her forehead against mine a moment later with a wicked grin on her face.

[Just. Kidding. Not like I'll ever ever fall for anyone… nor do anything for anyone…]

[…]

..

Looking at her, her confident smile on her face and the way she lit up a small flame in her hands while looking at the stars above her, I sense something akin to loneliness and fierce independence from her.

Strongly she would contend that she need no one, obey no one… have obligations to no one.

But deep down, she is human… not youkai, but more human than a youkai can ever hope to be.

Her strength and powers made people shun her and through the many ages she told me of, fantastic stories of her never ending journey and eventually her settling in Gensokyo, has told me that…

.

..

Loneliness nurture strength and independence. Just like our earlier ancestors, our strengths come from being force to endure hardship, to live by the elements, live on the fear that every moment we would leave the world, accomplishing nothing, not leaving a mark in this world.

This girl, this immortal youkai girl had left her mark in the world.

Even if it is just being labeled as the Fire-Causing youkai or the fact that she saved an entire village from fire, she had made her impact on the world.

..

..

Yet, she is still human…

Still, very much human…

..

..

[What's wrong…?]

Tilting her head, she blanched when she saw me lying on her hair with my eyes closed.

[h-Hey!]

It was deliberate of me, to fall asleep this way, I wanted to keep her with me… just like I had planned it all along.

I wish I had, I wish I could… but I did not…

[Don't sleep on me! HEY!]

But, I would not have it any other way, in some aspects, I had played my cards well for that night…

..

..

[Stupid…]

..

..

* * *

..

Life went on, as it should and although I could feel my heart crying out in loneliness and in pain whenever I passed by his grave, which was erected near my home, I felt a little better each time I successfully consoled and cajoled myself to live on and to fulfill his wish for me to live happily ever after.

This was not a fairy tale and neither will or should it end the way all fairy tales end.

There will never be a, 'and she lived happily ever after' ending for me, not with him gone.

All I could do was to live my life as cheerfully as I could, living my life a day at a time… Never quite avoiding the future nor looking very far into it as well.

Life was easy going and casual, just the way it seem to make sense to me.

..

..

[…?]

A few months into my grieving, advances by the village men suddenly and abruptly started in earnest.

I did not notice it at first but the village men have suddenly noticed me and were hot on my heels trying to gain my favor.

Normally I would be flattered but in this situation, where my love has just left me, I could not be bothered by their advances.

What was I, just an animal for display?

Back when I was still keeping to myself, I was nothing more than just a small worthless weed in a beautiful garden of blooming flowers.

But now, after I was discovered and nurtured to who I am by him, the lowly weed had became a beautiful and striking flower that made everyone else pale in comparison.

..

..

The flattery I received was up to no bounds, I received a poem of love every single day from every single man in the village for a couple of weeks.

But I was not moved, I was infuriated by them only I did not show it out of courtesy to them.

The act of just opening my window would invite a love song coming from one of those lowly lowlifes and it took a great deal of restraint from me not to throw something out of my window.

That period of my life was horrible, I was close to losing my temper every single day and every time it was the village elder who persuaded them to leave.

..

..

It was him too who made life bearable for me every weekend, we would sit in his home and play chess every weekend following the death of my love.

He understood my needs of having some solitude and having something to occupy my mind and to ignore my sorrow.

I was tempted to tell him that I was the little girl he had met during her childhood as he related to me a story of his childhood where the heroine was undoubtedly me.

..

..

[… she is… someone that I always wanted to be, Kamishirasawa. Perhaps, that is why I felt responsible for you….]

[Elder?]

Bewildered by his words, I waited patiently as I pushed my knight forward to have his next move totally locked down.

[The way my son let you down… reminded me of how I let her down, the little girl that I swore I would protect…]

..

..

[!]

..

..

Without noticing, I had stood up and I was shaking my head at him in disbelief.

Here was a person who had sworn to protect me, all those years ago and he still remembered his solemn promise to me.

Being the head of the Kamishirasawa House and with the role of protecting and recording Gensokyo's history, I had never ever forgotten his promise, I had simply found it not important till this very moment.

..

..

* * *

_[Don't cry…]_

_[*sniff… *sniff]_

_[I'll protect ya, the others are just jealous!]_

_[*sniff…]_

_[Look at this! I got this for you?]_

_[?]_

_[Like it? It's my lucky rock. I'm going to give it to you, so don't cry kay?]_

_[-nods-]_

_

* * *

_

..

..

The scene replayed in my mind, me the crying and helpless maiden while he was the savior. Perhaps it is fate that the same story would be reenacted…

I was young then, preferring to 'reincarnate' myself rather than to modify the villager's memories of who I am… I remained aware of who I was and of my previous memories but I just had to play my part, of the young girl who was constantly bullied and was a crybaby.

He had discovered me then and protected me from the first moment he met me.

..

[… I'm sure she believed in you till the end…]

The little girl she knew had died in a young age due to a sickly body due to some complications on the decision of the Kamishirasawa house and I was instructed to modify the memories of the villagers to appear as the eldest daughter of the Kamishirasawa House and I've had remained that way ever since.

I never once knew that the Elder would be so concerned about me, the little girl he had said he wanted to protect that he would associate me with her…

My fate and his fate seem to be intertwined no matter where I looked and for now, I was happy to let it be that way.

..

..

[Thank you, Kamishirasawa…]

[No, thank you, elder… for… all you've done…]

[… We are family… there is no need for thanks…]

..

* * *

..

..

In some bizarre and twisted way, I came to rely on the Elder. Not for his experience or for his advice but his tenderness. If I had high intelligence quotient, he had a high emotional quotient.

He was understanding to my needs and seemed to perceive what I was thinking before I acted, countless times he paid a visit on me when I was on the verge of losing my patience with the endless suitors and politely asked them to leave.

An equal amount of time he appeared when I was considering on taking my own life or to rewrite history like I had wanted to do before.

Despair was common to me for the first few months despite me trying my best to live my life normally and cheerfully.

She, the immortal girl was a great presence and a great figure for me to cling to for an excuse to live but every tiny thing tends to remind me of him every so often, too often in fact that I was lying to myself, saying that I was living my life normally…

I was not…

I never lived my live… normally after he left…

..

..

I would collapse on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably after school every night… I would attempt to slash my veins if not for the elder and the immortal girl taking away all the knifes in my house.

I would stand for hours staring at his grave till either one of them shake me out of it.

He would be the one who would pull the covers over me even as I screamed out loud in my nightmares.

He and her wife would visit me every day, to see if I was fine and to repeatedly tell me it was not my fault.

Guilt was eating through me and it was their words which constantly dragged me away from the bottomless pit of my own despair.

..

..

If not for them, I would have left this world long ago… and being inwardly so selfish and weak and cowardly, I had came to depend on them, just like how I depended on him..

I refused to admit it at first, but now I can safely say that I am depending on them…

My life revolved around them, sucking them dry… sucking the life out of them like a parasite…

I was pulling them away from the social circle and their own hobbies, their own routine and most importantly, their inner center of control…

..

..

Inwardly I had perhaps wanted them to rely on me just like I rely on them.

I have… tentatively found a reason for me to live…. That is to see them every day but I was afraid too… afraid that if they left, I would be left alone again.

Being with him had breed in me an innate fear of losing anyone dear to me, but this was not the same feeling…

They were precious to me yes, but did they feel the same way to me?

Will they feel the same if I was gone?

Would they mourn for me? Or would they just shed a few tears and forget me as life continues?

I… I did not want that!

..

..

I grieved for my love and I knew he would grieve for me if I left before him… I wanted him to grieve, to forever remember me…

But, was that not selfish of me?

..

..

I had changed, change so much that my mind could not keep up with my own thoughts. I knew I am selfish, I knew I was afraid that they would leave me, I knew…

**I KNEW**

..

..

But there was nothing I can do… I was twisted, broken beyond repair and only by doing this can I return to my normal life, my normal demeanor without breaking down.

Yet, I wanted them to be like who he is, to love me, like I love them… even thou my love was twisted.. .I wanted them to…

..

[I just… want someone to love me… to care about me… to… accept me… -sobs-]

..

..

* * *

[…]

History, what is history?

..

..

The recording of all of what had happened in the past…

Editing the past so it says the truth…

Putting a slice of life into a book, letting others know what happened in this date and in this land..

..

..

That is history, the study of events, lifestyles and important, life defining moments in the track of time.

There is a theory that, time itself is never ending and that, time is always repeating itself, the only way we differentiate the past from the present is, through history.

..

It is like a circular field, no matter how we run, we will return to the same spot. That is time, a fabric in reality that does not allow one to return through time.

..

Going back in time? That is impossible… one cannot return to a place that does not exist in reality anymore.

One cannot change history, one can only know of the past events through history and that is why we historian exists, to let others know of the past.

..

People will age, people will change. This is the same for items, the seedling will grow to a tree, a rugged stone will be smoothened after time.

..

**(Author's Note: I'm assuming Keine does not know Sakuya at this point of time, but just to point out, Sakuya can age things but not turn back time, thus making Keine's theory JUST a little more believable)**

..

..

But, when all that is said, I have the ability to change history. I, as the head of the Kamishirasawa house and having the power of a Hakutaku, have the power to modify and eat history.

I can wipe anyone from history, to make them never exist in history and subsequently never exist at all. If one's memories is the best thing to remember a person by, then history is it's evil twin.

It has the power to modify one's memory of a person, alter the small facts about a person to make him/her a totally different person.

Changing history is not a big deal as someone might think, does altering history change the world?

..

..

It might and it might not…

How significant is the event? How important is the change?

But the most important part in changing history is that, it will only affect details of history, a small change in a conversation, the mysterious disappearance of a person…

..

All these are details and as I write this down, it might be altered already… countless lines I have written might have been erased from history or altered to find a different meaning, but it does not have any bearing on the present, not at all.

..

The disappearance of a person might seem a big affair and it has the right to if you are the affected party or has known the person.

But in reality, it is does not have much of an impact in history. A person disappearing will not end the world but it does create a gap in people's memory.

Who is my father? Who is the father of my child? Where has he gone? When has he gone?

All these question float into mind, in theory.

But it does happen this way.

..

..

Remember what I wrote before? That a person's memory is the best thing to remember things by? I could not and cannot change a person's memory through my power. I can only influence the person's memory through my power of eating and changing history.

..

The people who have memories of the person will not be affected by my power, at least not directly. In the present, they will not sense the change despite me eating their history or altering their history.

What happened will happen and there is nothing I can do to change the fact.

..

But, I will have sway over their future and to everyone else. My actions can and will change everyone's perspective of a person or an event in an uncontrollable way.

..

I have already done this so many times, changing the way the people view of me, changing my appearance so I look the part, fit in with the village and never appear out of place.

Sure, there are some who did not quite believe I was the person I was taking the place off but more often than not, I would plant false history into the history of the village, thereby creating an existence in me.

..

[… will you forgive me?]

..

Asking him in front of his final resting place, I place my hand on my chest and tried to imagine him doing that while hugging me from the back.

He was prone to do that as he claims he like to see my flustered expression, something which I absolutely detests. Right now however, I would give anything in the world if he would do just that….

I can never change the history that he loved me… I would not allow that, never would I allow my love to be tarnished.

..

..

Neither can I remake history so that I had died of loneliness right now…

It would be against his wish for me to live on for his sake.

I am so weak, just wanting to escape from the reality of his death; perhaps by leaving here I could lessen the pain somewhat.

I will change history again, just like the many times I have done this few months after his death. I have changed history so that I would appear to be coping fine to stop the elder from visiting my home as much as he wants to. I have subtly changed my history so that I have a weak and frail body and this might actually work in my favor.

..

I would change history so that I would leave this home, leave the haunting memories of him and maybe, just maybe I might find it a little easier to bear without seeing traces of his shadow in my home everyday.

..

With my other self away from the village, I would not be greeted with the same looks of pity or looks of admiration from them.

..

[… I'll have to leave, I'm sorry…]

Wiping away the tears from my eyes, I closed my eyes, raised my hands and prepared to unleash my power under the full moon.

..

[… goodbye…]

..

* * *

**Author's Notes: Honestly, I have no idea what was going through my mind when I wrote this.**


	12. Chapter 12

**Finding History with your Flame**

**..  
**

**Chapter 12: Of Filling the Gaps Within**

..

..

**Original Concept: ZUN and Shanghai Alice**

**written by: wrathie**

..

* * *

**Author's Notes: Real life is horrible right now, but R&R nonetheless!**

..

..

[Oh, there you are!]

Breaking my concentration, a familiar voice called out to me as the surroundings suddenly lit up with a bright yellow hue.

It was her, the immortal girl but what was surprising was she was carrying a young girl from the village on her back. On closer inspection, her face was slightly covered with soot and she smelt terrible.

..

..

[Hey, stop watching and help will you!]

[Oh, Right!]

..

Slapping my head in annoyance at my slow reaction, I ran forward to take the little girl from her and I sighed in relief when I saw that she was just sleeping.

..

..

**[Well, you thought I killed her, didn't you?]**

** ..**

**..  
**

She had a terrible expression on her face as I turned to look at her and I hurriedly shook my head and replied.

..

[No, not at all… I was worried you have saved her for nothing… so I-]

My answer was met with a sharp slap from her and I winced in pain, almost dropping the girl in shock and in pain. Various emotions welled up inside me and I bit my lip in a bid to stop myself from shouting at her.

[You're human right! Why would you say something so inconsiderate! Imagine a burial without a body you numbskull!]

Snapping angrily at me, she stood up, crossed her hands and patted the little girls head all the while looking tenderly at the little girl.

..

..

[…]

I was shocked at her outburst and shocked at myself in saying those words. She was right, I was wrong in saying those words.

I would want to see my loved one for one last time, just like this little girl's family if they discovered she had been attacked by youkai…

[I'm sorry… I wasn't thinking straight…]

I was a little jealous of the little girl now, seeing how she would pay so much attention on her but I caught myself just as quickly.

[… Mm… I'll take her to the village doctor… Thank you.]

Such an innocent child should be enjoying herself in her childhood, not having her life scarred by a youkai attack and definitely not having her life ended prematurely by a youkai.

[You're remarkably human too, to know the pain of a family…]

..

..

Remarking to her, I laughed when I saw her blush and look away from me. Retaining some of her by just scoffing dignity however, she just shrugged and took off, leaving me with just one word.

[Don't give up so easily, yea? You have a life, unlike me.]

Her harsh words only made me wonder more about her and the little girl in my arms, causing me to spend the night below the giant tree that once sheltered my dreams.

..

..

* * *

..

..

All the thoughts of changing history, letting myself leave behind this shell of my older life was shattered abruptly when I returned to the village.

It was a tranquil day, with the sun shining down warmly on the streets of the human village and reflecting of the dew collected on the grass to make it seem a little surreal, what with the many glimmers of light dotting the edges of the path.

She was with me, holding my hands and rubbing her eyes in confusion as she found herself sleeping on my lap. It was fortunate that I had taught her in school and so she was very comfortable with me, a blessing in disguise surely.

The whole village was quiet for the most part and I was feeling a little unnerved at the silence. It was unlike the village to be so tranquil in the wee hours of the day, one would surely expect man to be out working on the fields by now and the village women doing the shopping at the same time.

..

..

I did not expect that it was the calm before the storm.

..

Popping by my house to grab a few bites of breakfast with the little girl, with whom I gave her a little sweet as a reward, we headed out to her house, which was at the other side of the village from mine.

On the way I remained silent but replied her questions of all the mundane things around her. Such a spirited and cheerful child…

..

..

[What is going on?]

Reaching her home, I saw a crowd of people gathering around her home and I pushed my way through the crowd with her on my back, all the while hearing excited rumors being spoken behind me.

[Ah!]

The sight that greeted me was terrible and it caused me to buckle slightly and for my nightmares to come and plague me again.

Her home, the child's home that should have been the safest place for her was burnt down to it's foundation just like how the school looked like when he left me.

The similar sight made me uneasy and I tried hard to fight the urge of heaving up my breakfast in plain sight of everyone.

[W-What happened!]

Crying out, I hugged the little girl tighter when I saw that she was trembling with fear and I covered her eyes so she would not be able to see the horrible sight of her safe haven being turned into a living hell.

..

..

_[A fire broke out at the middle of the night…]_

_[… couldn't stop the flames!]_

_[… it was a youkai! I saw something with long blue hair…]_

_[… the fire just went on and on…]_

..

..

_[… when we broke in…]_

_[…on their beds…]_

_[… all over…]_

* * *

..

..

I shut them all out after I got the gist of what was happening and I quickly whisked the little girl with me back to my home, complementing my future actions.

Clouds of doubt were in my mind, wondering at my future plans while staring at the little girl, who was sobbing quietly while sucking on a stick of toffee that I had bought on my way back.

No one stopped me from taking her away but no one express surprise at the little girl being alive and well as well.

What is going on here…

..

..

[Rest now, alright?]

Tucking her into bed again, I shook my head to clear my mind of various thoughts before I grabbed my history scroll from a hidden drawer and started recording today's event without biasness and without and amendments in my point of view and the village's point of view.

Having gone out to hold my daily class, I had heard rumors about the incident that varies from it being attacked by an army of fire breathing spirits to a dragon… but what was most unsettling was that most of them point to the immortal girl being present after the incident took place.

It could be that she was just there by accident, drawn to the fire like everyone else and had dove in to save the little girl from death.

..

But, a nagging thought that was resting at the back of my mind was that she was lying to me and she had indeed killed all of the family.

Yet, the image of her looking extremely hurt and mad when it was suggested that she had killed the little girl served as a counterbalance to my dark thoughts.

..

It was true that she was there on both incidents, saving me and the little girl…. But could she have done more?

It was bad enough that she was labeled as the youkai girl in the village, if the village saw her manipulating fire, she would no doubt be blamed for both of the incidents even if she claim innocence.

Such is the nature of people, I would be hard-pressed not to find a reason for not involving her but I believed in her, believed that she was human and that she was not behind all this.

..

..

* * *

..

[… You're awake…]

Rubbing my eyes, I smiled as gently as I could to the little girl who had just woken up. She was named Akiha, a beautiful name in my opinion and I patted her head when she yawned and smiled at me.

When she was sleeping, I took the opportunity to announce to the village that for the time being, I would be unable to teach classes to the children and assigned it to the Hieda house to decide who should take the responsibility for the time being.

It was a long day and when I came back, I could hear her stomach growling in hunger and I could not stop myself but giggle at her predicament.

..

[Come along now, dinner is ready!]

Hoping that would cheer her up, I had made sure that I knew what Akiha-chan liked and cooked her favorite food for her. It worked and she happily dug into dinner, not even stopping to drink water till she started choking when she swallowed them too fast.

[Look at you… dirtying your face like that…]

Sighing, I persuaded her to drink and wiped her face clean for her.

..

..

It made me feel a little more happier that she at least was happy and after dinner, we took a long bath together, soaking in my bath and scrubbing each others back.

Akiha-chan had a wonderful smile and I found myself smiling back at her whenever she smiled at me, something she did very frequently.

..

[Miss Keine!]

[Yes, Akiha-chan…]

[Can I sleep with you tonight?]

While I was combing her hair, she made this proposition that was so adorable that I just hugged her and tickled her stomach to say yes.

[You're my hot water bottle, Akiha-chan~ So don't you dare run away!]

[I won't Miss Keine!]

..

..

Tucking her to bed, I hugged her like I would do with a hot-water bottle as I promised; anything to console this little girl about her loss.

If I could change history so that she would forget her parents, I would gladly to so… but, it might not be the right choice.

..

..

* * *

_[Mother… no…mother…!]_

_[Hehe~~ That tickles… father…]_

_[I WIN! YAY!]_

_ .._

_From the murmurings in her sleep, Akiha-chan was reminiscing her previous memories and I felt a little complex hearing the little girl cry, giggle and mumble about in her sleep._

_She is a living history book in front of me that recorded her life from the start up till now._

_..  
_

_I, as a historian is a keeper of history… placed with the responsibility of recording and telling History as it is, fact as fact and lies as lies…_

_ .._

_..  
_

I was guilty with modifying history… but I recorded it down, fact by fact and words by words to the Hieda family and they accepted my decision to do so. Many may not approve of how I ran away from my past, my sins and my happiness…

..

But…

..

Do I… have the right to take away one's happy memories?

..

..

Burdened with that thought, which I had not considered up till now… I had a sleepless night with Akiha-chan.

..

* * *

..

..

[Akiha-chan, do you like breakfast?]

[Yes, Miss Keine! I like it! Can I have more?]

[You'll get fat…]

[I don't mind if Miss Keine don't dislike me~]

[Hmph…]

Crossing my arms and trying to look displeased at how she was behaving, I failed when she buried her head into my stomach and kept rubbing her head against me like a little kitten.

[… hmph… Akiha-chan…]

It's no good… I can't be angry at her…

..

..

Wondering internally whether little girls have a secret skill to soften even the toughest of hearts, I hugged her and fead her breakfast with me spoon personally, enjoying every moment of it.

..

..

[I'm going shopping… do you want to come with me?]

While washing the dishes out at the garden, I called to Akiha-chan who was looking at the butterflies flitting in and out of the garden and I swore her ears perked up at my words.

..

[yes, Miss Keine!]

..

* * *

..

..

Life goes on, just like it has… and as for how many times I have written this in the scroll… I have lost all track of it.

That is perhaps my life after all, my life to record that life has indeed prevailed and life goes on…

Oh… what am I saying…

..

Akiha-chan has been living with me for a few weeks now and everyday was a new discovery. As no one had contested me taking care of her, indeed the village was miffed and amused at how I was spoiling her, she was still living with me and delighted at doing so.

I was not teaching at the village; instead I was doing accounting for all the shopkeepers in the village to make ends meet. It was better than to depend on the Kamishirasawa house for survival as I wanted a little bit of dependence from them.

..

Little Akiha has been a little angel in the house, never making a fuss when I was working on the books and even cheered me up by fanning me when it was getting too hot, which I was eternally grateful to her.

..

Bit by bit, she was showing signs of moving on as she cried out less often in her sleep and I finally too, had a brief respite from insomnia and slept well, not crying out in my sleep because of him…

..

We make such a strange pair, both of us having lost something dear to us in the same exact circumstances that I found it ironic that we found strength in one another's company.

Misery does love company after all…

..

[Miss Keine! I brought back flowers for you!]

..

[Here Akiha-chan, I brought this back… I know you love this!]

..

[It's my turn to scrub your back, Miss Keine!]

..

Life was peaceful and full of joy with her, truly… life was wonderful with her by side even though the shadow from our past never quite goes away…

..

Once or twice, I would find myself grieving at the tomb of my love only to have Akiha-chan bring me back to the world of the living with a big smile and an equally big hug.

..

I too had the same experience by tickling her to life when she ran away to look at her old house.

..

[… Akiha, do you like living with me?]

[Yes I do, Miss Keine!]

..

The village elder with his wife would regularly visit and I find their visits more pleasurable than painful as they do like to play with Akiha-chan, treating her like she was their granddaughter. Akiha herself was tickled pink at having guests over and has began to call my house her home, something I have no qualms about… In fact, I love her doing so.

…

….

* * *

Details about the incident kept surfacing every now and then and I am afraid it did not bode well for the immortal girl…

The person that was sighted near the house had silvery white long hair and she was covered with flames or had the ability to control fire as she seemed to be impervious to fire.

However, details were still sketchy as it was at the dead of night and everyone was asleep. It was a miracle that she even survived the incident and I must thank the immortal girl for doing that, saving her from the flames.

..

..

She does visit thou only when Akiha was asleep would she appear at the tree that housed my dreams, the tree in my courtyard that she could sit on the tall branches and look at the moon.

I was afraid of her and afraid for her… seeing her strength and seeing how volatile her emotions are… a small misunderstanding would mean the end of her peaceful time with me… and so I always tried to keep myself from agitating her.

..

_..  
_

_[… how's the girl?]_

_[She's Akiha-chan…]_

_[… okay… how's Akiha-chan…]_

_ .._

_[She's well… why won't you see her? She would happy to know who saved her..]_

_[nah… she doesn't need to see a person like me… a monster…]_

_..  
_

_[Don't say things like that… I am like you… a youkai…]_

_[Hmph… youkai… what are you… anyway?]_

_.._

_...  
_

_[A Hakutaku… the one who records history… eats history… and change history… that is who I am.]_

_[Hmm… interesting… it would be nice…if we can have a duel…]_

_[maybe not… I am extremely weak…]_

_[Ha…]_

_[Ha ha… HAHA~]_

_..  
_

_ .._

_

* * *

_

Despite her promise thou, Akiha-chan was able to catch sight of her and to hug her from behind one night when both of us was getting drunk.

The look of surprise on her face can only be shown by a human and I took delight in laughing at the desperate attempts of her trying to shake her off to no avail.

..

[Yay!]

..

In the end… she became friends with Akiha-chan, promising to visit her before her bedtime and to talk with her. Such a heartwarming moment was magically for me and I took great pains to record every single detail in their encounter.

It was proof for her that she is accepted as a human by the most purest of souls, a child.

..

_[See… you are human…]_

_[S-Shut up!]_

_..  
_

Unable to stop the smile that was forming when little Akiha fell asleep on her lap, the immortal girl looked away from me and just pouted while patting her hair.

..

_[Well… won't you stay?]_

_[…]_

_.._

_..  
_

Thanks to Akiha-chan, she came more regularly now and even came to sit down for dinner where she more or least took over the kitchen.

To her, my food was terrible and it was a wonder that little Akiha can say it is delicious.

..

_[You're really ridiculous… LET ME DO IT!]_

_..  
_

Roughly pushing me away, she took over and when I took the first bite of her food, I was totally speechless and embarrassed at myself.

It was true, compared to her culinary skills, I was only an amateur and I spent the next few minutes apologizing to her for not having faith in her.

The confident smile on her face made me angry but happy at the same time.

She, at least; was spending time with us and she was smiling. That was all that matters.

..

It was a memorable night for us as she even stayed to soak in the bath after my insistence that she was totally filthy and we spent quite a long time playing in the bath, enjoying ourselves to the fullest with Akiha playing her antics, the immortal girl retorting everything I say and of course, I having the last say in combing her wonderful long hair down.

..

_[See ya…]_

_[Please make it soon… Akiha-chan would be very happy…]_

_[We'll see…]_

..

..

I am certain that till the day we leave the earth, that night will be precious to me… for Akiha-chan too as she was all smiles in bed.

..

Under the warmth of the shining moon, I took a deep breath and said another small prayer, wishing for it to be fulfilled.

..

**[Please… gods of gensokyo… if you would listen to me… let things remain like this… for as long as it can? I beg you…]**

* * *

**Author's Notes: Lots of Conversations in this Chapter**


	13. Chapter 13

**Finding History with your Flame**

**..**

**Chapter 13: A Paradoxical Life**

**..**

**..**

**Original Concept: ZUN and Shanghai Alice**

**written by: wrathie**

* * *

**Author's Notes: I feel that this chapter is really rushed and screwed up _ but I can't think of a better way... to write this out.**

**..**

**..  
**

[Are you coming, Akiha-chan?]

[I'm coming, Miss Keine! I'm tying my hair ribbon!]

..

Smiling and nodding, I sat down as I looked at her fiddling with her reflection in the barrel of water. It has been another few months and everything was still the same, if only better.

The immortal girl came regularly now and the both of us was happy that she did so.

For one: Akiha loved her cooking so much that for a few days, she threw a tantrum that lasted for a few days and it was only after she placated her by promising that she come by every few days that she finally agreed to eat the food that I prepared.

..

..

Although it hurt me to see the face she made when she tucked in, I had to grudgingly agree that her cooking was really out of the world. The spices and ingredients that she picked up in the forest complemented food totally and it was pleasing to the taste buds.

I swore to learn all her culinary skills but she just shrugged me off, saying that it was hard for me to learn from her.

..

..

_[B-But why?]_

_[Hmph… your taste buds are different from humans… you're a beast… it's a miracle Akiha likes your food…]_

_[Y-You're so mean!]_

_[EH! Are you crying? Eh EH! Wa-wait a moment!]_

_.._

_..  
_

Come to think of it, that was pretty much immature and embarrassing for the both of us as it was Akiha who managed to make me smile again with her endless tickling.

[… -sigh-]

Resting my head on my elbows, I smiled as Akiha finally finished dolling herself up and was skipping happily to me.

..

..

Returning to our usual life, I was glad to note that Akiha has been playing with the village children now as well. Her cheerful demeanor has returned and that has compelled my return to school to teach.

My experience with Akiha has broadened my views on children and I took even more emphasize on those little children that was my charge.

For starters, I began teaching things that were not history… I opened a new class that was for discovery and I would take them to the forests every now and then to teach them new things they would not have learnt at class.

It was worth it; just to see their faces light up and I felt… a sense of satisfaction from that.

[… hmm…]

..

..

The small things that they do, the small things that they cherish was the things that I had overlooked in my whole life…

It was those little things that made life precious everyday to me and to those that share their lives…

Their innocence and joy about everything is what makes them unique.

One can be immortal, never dying but never truly living as well…

[…]

I've learnt that first hand… despite all my knowledge… despite my recording of history… despite all the worldly affairs that I am learnt in… Nothing beats the joy of experiencing something first hand for the first time.

..

Reading scrolls, records… manuals… everything is just in theory… One must experience everything for themselves… touch it, feel it and enjoy it… without being burdened by one's mind.

She, Akiha has taught me that all over again.

Greif is an experience… but I should never let it ruin my life… she was right too… he would not want me to live my life with grief… would he?

[… I wish you were here…]

..

..

He had taught me so much, showed me so much…

The feeling of loving someone… the warmth of someone else's hand… the comforting feeling when one is by one's side forever… how the heart can overcome rationality of the mind sometimes…

* * *

..

..

[Miss Keine?]

[Ah… I apologize, Akiha-chan…]

Smiling, I stood up and rubbed her head before leading her out the door with me into the bright sunlight.

..

..

Holding her hands, the both of us looked like mother and child and for all that was worth, I felt the same way while holding her tiny hands.

I was close with my students and this was the same closeness that I enjoyed with her. Living with her though, made it feel just a little bit different and I was a little delighted at that, it made our relationship just a little more special for me.

..

..

If she would smile than what I am doing was worth it…

It's kind of poetic and justified for me; to live just to make her smile…

..

The villagers had appointed me to be her foster mother, a term that I detested and I immediately called myself her guardian, which sounded much sweeter to my ears.

[Miss Keine! Can I have a sweet?]

[Only if you are good, Akiha-chan.]

Still trying to be optimistic everywhere I was with her, I could not afford to create any sort of trauma for her ever again. Goodness knows that would haunt her for the rest of her life and I was thankful that she was helping herself to by not mentioning her parents or her family.

..

..

She was coping well, too well in fact and I had to visit the Elder for advice and his opinion on this issue. To be relief however, he said it might be a natural response to the trauma.

..

_[She will remember it, if she chooses to remember it… Right now, let's worry about the present.]_

..

..

[Oh… alright…]

Even after spacing out for a moment, Akiha-chan was still clinging on to me and begging me with her eyes that I just had to give in and I turned to the shopkeeper, an elderly woman and asked for a bag of sweets for Akiha-chan.

..

[Yay!]

Celebrating, Akiha-chan released my hand and started running to the path leading out of the village, calling out to me when she stopped at the crossroads.

[Miss Keine! I'll wait for you at the BIG tree!]

..

..

[Okay, Akiha-chan!]

..

[She is such a dear, isn't she, Kamishirasawa-san.]

[yes she is, she is such a darling… Oh shush… I can't keep talking about her in this way…]

[You sound like you are her mother, Kamishirasawa-san…]

Laughing at my response, the elderly shopkeeper winked at me as she rolled the sweets into a ball and handed it to me.

[Just don't spoil her too much..]

[A-Am I that old to everyone?]

..

Sounding a little hurt and by right I am hurt, I sniffed a little as she add fire to the fuel by commenting that I look too mature for my age.

[T-That's…!]

[O-Oh! I'm so sorry!]

..

It turned to a mini-fiasco that made me reflect on my actions a little afterwards…

..

..

Was I beginning to be sensitive to my age? Oh goodness…

* * *

..

..

Life is precious and I've told myself that for many many times at the wrong time respectively… It is always when I lose someone do I really realize how important that someone is to me…

..

Before I would have shielded myself by not allowing myself to get close to anyone in particular… but now, after my interactions with them… both of them who… who…

Made so much difference in my life…

..

..

I can never turn back to how I was tens of years ago, never could I bear to live a lonely life all by myself. It is the human factor that made life special, unique and such an experience every single day…

Without it, life would be monotonous and repetitive…

..

..

* * *

..

..

[Akiha-chan!]

Walking quickly, I spotted Akiha-chan squatting by the road, sniffing on flowers and I quickened my footsteps, waving the sweets to her.

[I got them for you! Were you good?]

Smiling, Akiha-chan straightened her back and waved back energetically at me.

[I was good, Miss Keine! I got some flowers for you!]

Showing me the flowers, she ran towards me and I opened my hands wide to catch her if she threw herself at me like a human bullet.

..

[!]

Just then, I saw something that made my blood ran cold and my mouth open wide in shock.

[A-Akiha-chan!]

Calling out to her, I dropped the sweets and ran towards her desperately, knowing that a second too late would be really too late.

..

..

Everything took place in slow-motion and it was agonizing to see it happen in front of me… unable to do anything…

A youkai suddenly jumped from the bushes behind her and was charging straight to Akiha, it's teeth bared and saliva flying everywhere.

[Akiha-chan! RuN!]

Desperately, I called out to her but it was too late as it had already pounced on Akiha before I could do anything.

..

..

[AHHHHHH!]

Her terrified screams made me feel sick inside as I finally used my powers to fire a solitary laser at the beast, trying to stop it and to buy some time for me.

This however, was foiled as all of a sudden, my laser was deflected by some unknown force that caused it to strike a foot away, useless to save Akiha.

..

..

With tears streaming down my face, I screamed once more as I covered the last few feet to Akiha-chan.

[GET AWAY FROM HER!]

It was echoed not only by me but a speeding bullet that grabbed the youkai and rammed it to the nearby trees with a single swift moment.

[WHY YOU BASTARD!]

It was the immortal girl and with she was furious, slamming her fist into the Youkai repeatedly and swearing all the time when I finally reached Akiha.

..

..

[Akiha-chan! Akiha-chan! Oh gods! Akiha-chan!]

Cradling her in my hands, I could not express myself clearly as I hugged her tightly and cried for her. The blood was leaking out of her like a river and it was staining my entire clothes crimson red.

[M-miss… keine…]

Struggling to speak, Akiha-chan winced in pain as she touched my hands and smiled, smiled with her blood rimmed lips.

..

..

_No… not again… NO… NO!_

_.._

_..  
_

[M-Miss Keine… it hurts…]

Her eyes, normally sharp and bright was quickly losing her spark and I knew I had to get her to a doctor fast.

Getting up, I reassured her repeatedly that everything was going to be fine while lifting her up as gently as possible so as to avoid causing her any more pain.

..

..

[BASTARD! WHY MUST YOU DO THIS?]

Still screaming, I felt a wave of heat roar over me and I turned around to see that she had burnt the youkai to dust with her bare hands. With her hand still illuminated by the fire, she turned and glared at me.

[DON'T JUST STAND THERE! GO!]

Howling, she swung her hand violently and causing a tree to fell over with her strength and the velocity of the hit.

..

..

It was not her, it was not her after all…

I felt relieved that she was not the youkai that was attacking the villages and was actually willing to protect them… but is… is losing Akiha-chan worth it?

Cradling her in my arms, I felt even sicker when her little body grew even lighter and colder by the second. Her flawless and adorable face was covered with scratch marks and she was barely moving and breathing. Her chest was heaving up and down pitifully slow and I could not stop the tears that were coming out of my eyes.

All the comfort I could give her was reminding her that I was here with her and that she would get well, she MUST get well…

..

..

Oh gods… don't let this life leave me too… I beg of you… please…

..

..

* * *

[Akiha-chan, don't sleep… don't sleep… you hear? Akiha-chan! Akiha-chan! Please… you'll get better! You will! Just… just hang on…]

[Y-yes… Miss Keine… I am… a-]

[Oh don't speak… please don't waste your strength… oh gods… oh gods!]

In my haste, I tripped and fell to my knees, scrapping the earth and earning a jolt from Akiha-chan. Wincing in pain, she tried to cry out but her strength left her. Her hands, which were tightly gripping my arms slowly lost their strength even as I desperately got up to my feet again, ignoring my busted knees and biting my lip to draw attention away from my knees.

..

..

[HELP! ANYONE!]

Limping my way back to the village, I called for assistance and they came swiftly, so swiftly that it was a blur. Thankfully all of them were in the village and in no time at all, Akiha-chan and I were whisked off to the village doctor's hut.

Strong arms carried me there and deposited me next to Akiha-chan for I had weakened considerably after fending off countless youkai that had came and attacked us while running here.

..

..

[A-Akiha-chan…]

Weakly, I grabbed her hand and she returned my call to her by smiling and squeezing my hand a little. That pale face which just showed her much blood she had lost

She will survive… she MUST survive… Please let her live…

..

..

All my memories of her being with me was flashing in front of me and it felt so short. I wanted to see her grow, nurture her to grow to a fine young woman… So gods… please…

It was like a second in my long life and how much I cried when I thought of that.

..

..

[A-kiha-chan… oneegai…]

If she left me… oh gods… please, don't let it happen…

..

..

[Miss K-Keine…]

Her voice, weak and lacking in her usual chirpiness did nothing to make me feel better and I covered my face with my hands, ashamed that I could not do anything more…

..

..

**If I had done something sooner…**

**If I… If I had just asked her to stay with me…**

**IF I HAD JUST KILLED IT SOONER!**

..

..

Somehow, my fingers finally found her hair and I slowly ran my hands through it, just like I had done so many times before.

[Akiha-chan… f-forgive me? I… I…]

[Miss Keine… am-Am I going to die?]

..

..

While the doctors tried desperately to get the right herbs for Akiha-chan after they stopped the bleeding, Akiha-chan managed to snuggle beside me, holding my hands and pressing her cheek against mine.

I had refused all medical attention, desperately imploring them to focus their attention on her and her alone.

..

..

_[DON'T TOUCH ME! DON'T TOUCH ME TILL YOU SAVE HER… PLEASE I BEG YOU… PLEASE!]_

_ .._

_..  
_

* * *

..

..

Life is precious… I wrote that earlier and now… now I have to swallow my words… how precious life is can never be measured…

Her future, the future of Akiha-chan is gone, gone with a single snap of my fingers…

..

She did not make it through the night but she never stopped struggling, never stopped holding my hands and reassuring that she will be fine.

Till the end, she still had that smile on her face as her labored breathing finally shuddered to a stop.

..

..

I would never know what could become of her now… even in my long life… I had never known someone like her… it was a fleeting moment that I will not forget.

Reality is more than harsh, it is twisted and against me… every time I get complacent, it would snatch happiness from me.

..

..

I… Gods…

..

God is an evil, twisted being to mock me, torture me and to destroy me like this…

..

[…]

Alone in my house, I had reverted to my solitary living once more after my outburst at Akiha-chan's funeral.

..

..

_[IT'S MY FAULT! I… I COULDN'T SAVE HER! i…]_

_.._

_..  
_

_[I AM JINX… A JINX!]_

_[IT'S MY FAULT… WHY? Why… why must I survive…]_

_.._

_..  
_

Despite all the villagers banding together to try and console me, I brushed past all of them while in my confused state and I am afraid had ticked off some of them.

But, perhaps that was for the best… I am truly a jinx… everyone that I had gotten close to… had attached myself to either was or will be cursed to a life of hardship.

..

..

If misery loves company… I would rather not have company if it will tear apart my soul so….

..

..

Something had broken inside me with the passing of Akiha-chan, it was as if I can never smile again. Something important was dug out from me the same way love was dug out of me when he left me… now… it's happiness…

..

..

Everything that I took for granted, her cheerful smile, the pattering of her feet and the way we shared our dinner… it's all just memories and histories now… even if it was just a few... short moments in my life. It was perhaps one of the few times that I had truly lived.

Looking at my history scroll in a mixture of love and hatred, I flipped through the pages and read them slowly, eating the words one by one and somehow reliving my life with her one page at a time.

..

..

[… why…]

While flipping through the records, a voice started whispering in my ear. Soft and seductive it was, it was a voice I knew but I could not place where I had heard it.

It was familiar too as I did not felt danger as it whispered to me, questioning my actions and my regrets.

..

..

_You should have used your powers!_

_You could have saved her!_

_WHY DIDN'T YOU? WHY?_

_ .._

_..  
_

[I… I might be…]

The village, with it's hatred of youkai would never tolerate me as a youkai… I would be chased out!

..

_DON'T GIVE EXCUSES!_

_You are regretting something you could have prevented! FOOLISH!_

_ .._

_..  
_

[…]

The voice speaks reason and I found myself unable to continue by train of thought. Her voice was taking over me and I was actually allowing that to happen by closing myself deeper into my mind.

If I was a little more brave and decisive… what would be taking place now?

..

Akiha-chan could be saved! They would accept me as half-youkai…they… might!

What if…

WHAT IF?

WHAT IF?

..

_Use your powers!_

_ .._

[W-why not…]

God gives gifts for a reason and perhaps, this is why I gained this powers…

..

_SEEK VENGEANCE, REDRESS FOR THE SINS NOT COMMITED BY THOU!_

_ .._

[yes… it was… it is their fault… it is the youkai's fault…]

I felt hatred, hatred for the youkai that ruined my life all of a sudden and I was being egged on by the voice. Her voice, once seductive was now ordering me to… seek revenge….

..

..

_IF IT WERE NOT FOR THEM… she would live…_

_ .._

[yes… she would be…]

[It's… it's their fault… it's the youkai's fault… I… I lose him to them too… it's…]

..

Something snapped inside me all of a sudden and my mind was made up.

..

[…]

..

Walking straight to the forest, I allowed myself to be fully bathed by the moonlight, growing horns and feeling my powers reach their full potential.

[… if it is not for them… I… I….]

..

* * *

..

_[? What in the world are you doing?]  
_

_Hearing screams and wails of pain in the forest late at night, I became curious and went out to see what was going on._

_While approaching the mysterious source of the noise, I narrowly avoided being struck down by a powerful laser and I immediately crouched down._

_[Wha?]_

_..  
_

_It was the half-beast, she was striking down every youkai that she encounter and she was right in the middle of a youkai nest, killing and burning their corpse with her lasers._

_ .._

_[H-Hey! What are you doing!]_

_Stepping forward, I caught her attention but she did not even acknowledge me or turn towards me, both a first._

_It was a form I am familiar with but not necessarily comfortable with. Her horns growing out of her head, the bushy tail growing out of her and the green highlights of her skin and her hair made her look very much youkai._

_..  
_

_!_

_Forming several lasers with her hand raised above her, she fired them continuously and with enough power to kill and burn all the youkai fairies, youkai beasts around her. The youkai were uneasy and panicky, obvious by the stampede happening that had drawn me over to her._

_.._

_..  
_

_[HEY! ANSWER ME DAMN YOU!]_

_Gathering flames in my hands, I fired them at her in several bouts that struck the ground around her. This got her attention alright as she turned towards me, her normal passive face replaced by one of stark anger and hurt._

_[w-wha…]_

_I was stunned but it was understandable, to have lost a child like that…_

_And so I calmed down a little, stuck my hands in my pockets as I walked closer to her._

_..  
_

_[youkai hunting?]_

_[…]_

_Wordlessly she nodded as she continued to kill all the youkai around us, raining death and vengeance upon them. It made me kind of worried for her, someone so kind and gentle having such violent tendencies and having such thoughts._

_.._

_..  
_

_[IT'S THEIR FAULT! THEIR FAULT!]_

_Screaming suddenly, she howled as the laser beams from her only intensified in their strength._

_Firing in all directions, they started a mini-fire storm that surrounded us._

_..  
_

_[THEIR FAULT, YOU HEAR?]_

_Clutching her hand, she fell down to one knee but she would not stop running her fingers all over her face as if she was crazy._

_.._

_..  
_

_Have she snapped? DAMN._

_.._

_..  
_

_[Oi oi!]_

_Touching her shoulder, I was immediately rebuffed when a solid punch struck me in the stomach._

_[ugh...]_

_..  
_

_[If you would get in my way… I'll kill you…]_

_..  
_

_Muttering those dark and vicious words, she left me squatting alone in the scorch circle while she continued on her mindless rampage._

_[… it doesn't concern me…]_

_..  
_

_Or so I thought.._

_

* * *

..  
_

_..  
_

_Two nights in a row she went around in a rampage, killing all the youkai she saw. It was nothing short of a massacre the way she struck down all of them with pinpoint accuracy. Where has the Half-beast I knew gone? Was she really the same person that would cry over the human love she had lost?_

_..  
_

_Even while staying out of sight of the people from the village, I was able to hear their rumors and it was quickly apparent that she had been spotted by them._

_With such powerful strength, it made me wonder why had she not protected that child, Akiha when I immediately slapped myself for being a little too dense and thick._

_.._

_..  
_

_[She has a life, unlike you… Stupid.]_

_Grinning to myself, I just shrugged and left her to her own devices, knowing that she would probably return to her normal self after she cooled down somewhat._

_..  
_

_

* * *

_

_..  
_

**IT'S THEIR FAULT! KILL THEM**

That same voice was still guiding me along and as the night turn to day and day turn to night… it seemed more and more reasonable.

If youkai are gone… there would be less danger… and people won't be taken from me…

I won't be sad anymore… Akiha's death would be worth it… right? For the peace of the village, a small sacrifice would be worth it…

..

So why… why am I shedding more tears…

Why, why am my heart breaking to pieces everytime I think about it?

Why, why do I feel pain every time I strike down one of the youkai.

..

..

It is their fault… right?

..

**DON'T FALTER! IT'S SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST!**

_..  
_

Screaming in my ear, I felt my youkai strength get stronger and stronger and I felt invigorated again.

Barely looking down when a rabbit youkai ran straight up to me, I paused as it hugged my legs.

..

..

[Don't kill my family! PLEASE!]

[… Die.]

Raising my hand, I was nearly blinded by the streams of light that came from my hands. In colors of red and blue and resembling an explosion; the lasers streaked away from me to send all youkai around me to oblivion.

..

[Oi, Oi… that's enough…]

If it was not for her, the immortal girl.

Closing one eye lazily, she raised a fire barrier that absorbed the lasers I had fired at the rabbit youkai and her family.

[You, scat. Get outta here.]

Kicking the rabbit youkai, she stood in front of me while studying my face. She was shorter than me and so I did not feel impressed by her demeanor, instead rage was boiling inside me.

..

..

[Are you… siding with the youkai?]

She had gotten in my way a few nights ago but she had backed down after I told her to get out of my way… Is she going against me? Can't she understand my pain?

[… what if I am? What are you going to do about it?]

Sneering, she formed a fireball in her hand and slammed it in the ground, creating a fire circle that encircled and trapped me.

..

[KILL YOU.]

A murderous rage engulfed me and I clutched my head, running a hand down one side of my face.

[Heh… I remember… you wanted a fight…]

[Yep, you look strong.]

Grinning savagely, I matched that grin when I gnashed my teeth and elongated my claws. I needed an outlet… I can only see red… so… so… HEH… this is just fine…

..

Rushing to her, claws outstretched, I slashed the immortal girl with my claws but was repelled by her hands which caught my wrist just before it ripped through her shoulder.

[… Nah, you're too youkai to kill me.]

Kicking me in the gut, she twisted my arm and tossed me over her shoulder in the next second.

[…]

Landing with a large thump, I got up equally quick and this time scored a few bloody gashes on her chest, taking her by surprise at my nimbleness.

..

..

[…]

Repositioning the joints in my hand that she had dislocated, I raised both hands into the air and prepared myself.

_[Light Sign "Amaterasu"]_

Firing laser after laser at her, the whole forest was lit ablaze by the intensity of my firing and as a result, I was half blinded by the light that was produced by this spell.

[DIE, DIE, DIE! ALL OF YOU, DIE!]

[YOU CAUSED HER DEATH.. ALL OF YOU DID!]

Screaming my rage into the sky, I never stopped my attack even when the immortal girl was being struck repeatedly by my move.

Pinned down by my move, the immortal girl never said anything. She simply just took all of my attacks repeatedly, never calling out in pain nor asking me to stop..

[…]

Her wounds kept regenerating but by the way she grimaced and how she was wincing and fidgeting, the pain was still present and unbearable. Yet, she never once shouted in pain nor in hatred towards me.

..

..

[W-Why?]

It was enough to cause me to question her.

Why, why can she stand my attack? Why won't she strike back? Why?

..

..

[… you're weak… weak… truly… Look at yourself… Look at who you are, what you have become… Half-beast.]

Managing to sit down, she raised a hand and broke my spell with a well aimed jet of fire.

[… killing innocent youkai… what makes you better than them?]

Rushing towards me, she blocked my first strike with her arm and turned it in her favor with an uppercut to my face and a chop to my neck that had me crouching on the floor in pain.

[Look at yourself, LOOK AT YOURSELF!]

Shaking me, she roared so loudly and emotionally that spits of her saliva struck me repeatedly as she shouted at me, upset at what I had became.

..

..

[You said it was their fault… MAYBE. You said it was your own weakness… MAYBE? But, does that mean you can forget yourself? WHO ARE YOU? WHAT ARE YOU?]

Releasing me, she turned her back at me before scoffing and spitting on the ground in disgust.

[You disgust me. Weak, unreasonable and cowardly. Ask yourself this, who are you, what are you… what gives you the right to do this? Have you lost your mind?]

The ultimatum was yet to come as her shoulders sagged and she turned to face me again, tears evident in her red eyes.

[You're human… aren't you? You're youkai too… so why… why must you act like a human to youkai… youkai to a human? YOU, OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW… don't you?]

With that last roar, she disappeared in a puff of red smoke, leaving behind a burning crater in front of me.

..

..

* * *

**Author's Notes: In My defense, I could flesh out their relationship longer but it would mean more pain, desho?**


	14. Chapter 14

**Finding History with your Flame**

**Chapter 14: Change, Forever Constant.**

**..**

**..  
**

**Original Concept: ZUN and Shanghai Alice**

**written by: wrathie**

**..**

**..  
**

* * *

..

..

[… who.. am I?]

[what… am I?]

..

..

[I… I…]

Left alone in the mess of the destruction that I had created, it was as if I had opened my eyes for the first time and seeing the world in all it's glory, all it's ugliness and all it's despair and hope…

[I am…]

..

_..  
_

_Youkai will always cause disasters, humans will never trust youkai_

_ .._

_.  
_

Ahh… that phrase once more… why must it haunt me?

Weak by the knees, I openly wept, clutching my knees and letting loose of all the tears that should have been shed when Akiha-chan left me.

Something had indeed snapped and broke inside me when she left… and… and now…

..

Was I wrong? Was I wrong in killing all the youkai? All I wanted is to not lose anyone anymore…

..

..

[who am I… I am… …]

Realization finally struck me and I screamed, screamed so loud that my throat hurt from all that screaming.

[NOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!]

..

..

* * *

..

..

I am… Kamishirasawa Keine… A were-hakutaku, youkai.. half youkai… and… the History keeper of the human village…

..

[I am human and youkai… the one… with the best of both worlds… w-why am I…]

..

I was killing my own kind… mourning the loss of my own kind as well…

..

She was right…

She was always right…

But…

..

[… give yourself a chance… right? I remember… but I had forgotten…]

I had not given myself… nor the youkai… any chance at all. I was killing my own kind, killing innocent youkai… and… scaring the people from the village…

..

What was I thinking… had I finally lost my mind?

..

..

It would not be the first time… but, I want it to be my last time…

[… But I won't die… I WON'T DIE. NOT NOW!]

Clenching my fist, I struck the earth countless times, each time making the dent in the earth just a wee bit bigger. There was still a chance, still the chance I had not taken… As long as I give myself a chance… as long as she gave me the chance… as long as HE GAVE ME THE CHANCE.

..

..

I SHOULD TAKE IT.

I SHOULD AND I WILL!

..

..

[… I've sinned… killing all of them… all in a spat of rage and confusion… will they forgive me?]

Kneeling, I prayed for forgiveness before I got up, flicked my hair back in position before looking up at the moon that was shining above me, bathing me in it's gentle rays like it was washing away the sins…

..

* * *

Change is omnipotent, always there… always will be…

Life is precious and so one must always cherish it…

..

Our meeting is just a small instant in my long life and so the more I should cherish it…

..

I had lost my rationality, my logic and my own self in my grief, anger and rashness…

I, who bridges both worlds, should be able to understand the pain of youkai and humans more than anyone else… I know of their suffering, their pain and their reasons…

..

Survival, everyone just wants to survive in this harsh world.

So… I ask myself, is it alright to forgive them, forgive my own kind for their actions against the ones I love and… the humans?

Then, is it right for the youkai to forgive humans… forgive them for their own selfish actions in exterminating them?

..

..

What is the answer… can someone tell me?

..

[… there might never be an answer… or… it'll have to be one that is a mixture of both…]

…

But, as it was said…

..

[Everything starts with one step… one step begins the journey of a thousand miles.

..

I had kept this secret inside me for as long as I had remembered but now, I should reveal this to someone else… the authority figure of the village.

It might be wishful thinking that people will accept youkai like they accept me… but it was at least a start.

..

So, I invited the Elder and his wife to dine with me on the night of the full moon.

I had it planned to perfection, treating them to a sumptuous feast and then suggesting leisurely walk around my yard for a spot of moon viewing.

It was perfect and it went without a hitch.

..

Under the light of the full moon, I revealed my true form to them.

..

My horns slowly growing out of my head as I took off the hat he had given me, the fluffy tail that had grown out of me and the wolf-like teeth that was growing out of my mouth.

..

All this and not a word mentioning how I beefed up and grew taller...

..

[!]

His surprise was understandable, I myself felt shocked for the first time as the Elders of the Kamishirasawa clan showed me how to manifest my powers for the first time.

It has been how many years ago… but the same surprised look was etched on their elderly faces.

[… are you afraid?]

They recoiled from me as I took a step forward towards them and I lowered my head and placed my hands at my side in shame and embarrassment.

In a certain way it made me feel naked somehow, that all of my careful barriers and walls that I had put up to distance myself from people was torn away by this simple act.

I was being scrutinized on all angles and sides and I hope what my intuition was telling me that they were more curious than afraid.

[… my gods…]

..

..

Raising his hand, he touched and squeezed my horn, something that made me instantly blush and pull away from him. I felt him squeeze it and it felt a little weird, reminding me of what he did so long ago… the way his touch would comfort me when I was crying as a little girl...

[… I'm… Half youkai… I'm a were-hakutaku… I always have been… from the start and till now…]

Bowing to them, I figured I should start speaking and when I spoke, my voice came out nervous and not like me. It reminded me of how a new student would speak as he/she is introduced to a class and I blushed crimson at the pair that was still scrutinizing me.

[I am… Kamishirasawa Keine… and as you see… I AM youkai… but, just below the moon.]

Trying my best to smile without showing my pointed beast teeth, I flicked my hair back and knelt down in front of them, my head looking down at the ground below them.

I was begging for their forgiveness, I truly am.

..

..

[I apologize for not telling you this… I… I am very apologetic… if I had tried harder… I KNEW I could have saved him… and Akiha-chan…]

The two that I loved, the two that had changed my life so much was gone from me just because I did not have the courage to face myself, face myself for who I am…

And of course, I did not know who I am, truly who I am…

_Am I Kamishirasawa Keine, the human…?_

_Am I Kamishirasawa Keine, the youkai?_

_Or… am I Kamishirasawa Keine, the were hakutaku and the village historian?_

_Who am I?_

_What am I?_

..

..

Closing my eyes, I hoped to have an answer and when I opened them again, I found them in the elderly eyes in front of me.

Even when his age cannot be compared to the years I had lived he never fails to surprise me with his wisdom and great perception.

With his wrinkled hands, he helped me up and just smiled warmly at me, clasping my hands in his and encouraging his wife to do so.

Strongly apprehensive, she still did it and she smiled and wiped away the tears in my eyes as quickly as they ran down.

..

[I knew I am… I was the youkai who caused such chaos… the last few nights… I… I… I really… really am sorry… for so much trouble that I've caused… and I'm so so selfish… still asking for something that is not right.]

..

..

[… The circle of hatred must end, Kamishirasawa… if I hate you… it will return to me again… what goes around comes around… I wish to stop this vicious cycle, Kamishirasawa.]

After a few minutes of thinking, wise words of wisdom did indeed was uttered by him and I was further encouraged by his wife.

[and… we trust you, Kamishirasawa-san… You saved our son from a miserable fate and turned him to a great man. You saved Akiha-chan, the poor child… Someone as pure as you, kind as you will not harm us.]

[B-but I… I am dangerous… didn't you see my power? I lighted the whole night sky… I killed how many… how many youkai… If I became crazy… I, I can't…]

Shaking my head, I wept more as the memories, fresh as ever floated around me like tormentors, forcing me to hear their screams and pleas as I killed them, crush their families and their lives.

[I'll KILL EVERYONE! EVERYONE… I just… I just can't make myself take that risk… I… I want to leave… leave this place… b-but if I do… Oh gods… what should I do? What can I do?]

..

..

My hands had taken away so much future and destroyed the future fruits of their labors…

[if you do not have faith in yourself, no one will, Kamishirasawa.]

[You still have emotions, Kamishirasawa… you are human my dear… anyone who can say such things, to love, to view others before yourself… is human.]

The words that they told me was too kind for me, someone like me surely did not deserve such kindness… and so I wept more and more in their arms which for once, felt strong and dependable.

..

* * *

..

..

[… I'm leaving now…]

Bowing to them, I left for my nightly patrol, leaving the both of them and the village for a short while.

It was, unexpected the way they accepted me so simply and so easily like they already knew.. That was impossible of course, no one in the village except for him knew.

Even the elders at the Kamishirasawa House was vague about my true powers.

I have the power over history, the power over something that can change one's life, one's past and one's future… Numerous people have passed before me and because of that, I was wise and able to make the correct decisions or so I thought.

..

..

_[Let me take care of the village! M-May I?]_

_Bowing to the village elder, I told her of my wishes, to be the one responsible for protecting the village from youkai and he seemed to considered it for a moment._

_It would be logical for someone with my powers and strength to do so but when he spoke, he flatly refused my proposal._

_[… no, not if you plan to reveal yourself outright, Kamishirasawa, I will not take that risk.]_

_[B-But, Elder!]_

_[No buts, Kamishirasawa. It was fortunate yes that I accepted you, but will the village?]_

_[…I…]_

_[you do not know. Do you?]_

_Sighing, he took out a pipe and lit it, to the protest of her wife and me._

..

_[I've got a headache, so leave me be.]_

_Shaking his head, he puffed at his pipe and I simply endured the awful smell of the pipe till he stopped._

_[… Kamishirasawa. The village, will not accept you for who you are… at least, not now.]_

_Turning to me, he smiled wearily as he snuffed out his pipe and sighed._

_[… Your, actions were too much to be tolerated, at least… now.]_

_.._

_..  
_

_Referring to the incident where I was rampaging around the village grounds, my shoulders dropped and I knew he was right._

_[What you did, scared us, made us afraid and made us… very much suspicious. If you, if you revealed yourself now, you would no doubt be chased out…]_

_Shaking his head, his wife continued on._

_.._

_..  
_

_[Kamishirasawa-san, no doubt you want forgiveness… but it is going to take time, lots more time…]_

_..  
_

_[Time, that we, the both of us do not have…]_

_Gesturing to the themselves, she sighed wearily._

_[I, I would have hoped to see you, get along with the village as who you are. But, time is what is needed for that.]_

_..  
_

_[Change, it is forever happening, so why can't I…]_

_[Time, heals all wounds, like it will do with yours. All we can do now, is to be patient… and one day, one day… you will be accepted. I know you will. But, the time is not now.]_

_[One… day?]_

_..  
_

_[The day someone other than you, who knows both youkai and humans. The one who is at the middle of the boundary between the two of them like you. Then, I am sure is the time.]_

_..  
_

_[Will there be someone like that?]_

_[… of course there will be.]_

_.._

_..  
_

_Smiling, the two of them just spoke in unison._

_[You have us.]_

_…_

_…_

_…_

…

Right, I have them. The both of them who supports me and is with me even with my sins.

So, here I am, making my rounds at night…

[… Please, leave this place.]

Firing a laser at a bunch of youkai making a nest at the edge of the village, I chased them off one by one till the whole pack of them retreated deeper into the woods.

It has became a nightly affair now and my body was used to it. Days turn to weeks and weeks to months and I've been repeating this routine faithfully.

..

If it would allow the people to be safe, the youkai to be safe…my tiredness is worth it.

..

..

Humans are the one who gave me my home, my precious feelings and my life. Youkai are the one who gave me my strength, my powers and my will.

I love both of them, both humans and youkai… and I would not let any harm come to them if I could prevent it.

..

[But… youkai will always cause disasters and humans will never trust youkai… is that not the rule?]

..

So… there it is, the grayness of the boundary that I am in. Blessed with both side's virtue, I am still unable to overcome the real barrier.

..

And that is, humans will still hate youkai and youkai will forever eat humans.

All I can do, is to protect humans by not letting youkai attack them and to protect youkai by not letting them near humans.

I love both of them, but… that is all I can do…

Weak, pathetic as I am… that is all I can do.

* * *

..

..

By conceal history of people living in the village, I am able to prevent attacks from youkai at night. I made sure everyone's history in the village was known to me and I even made the trip to the Nearby shrine to visit the Shrine Maiden.

..

She was a cheerful sort but she is after all a youkai exterminator and extremely proficient in her job. Almost immediately she knew I was youkai but she let me off as she knew about me before.

Such a kind lady and one blessed with such power.

It is a pity however, that she is not the one… the one who will break the boundary between humans and youkai.

..

..

As promised, it turned to years in a blinking and although my relations with the village got better and the attacks of youkai became more frequent, there was however, something that saddened me greatly.

The passing of the elder and his wife.

It happened on one night of autumn when I was returning back from my rounds, I found the Elder's wife beside him, dead to the world and of him shaking his head and stroking her hair.

[… it's been a privilege to be here…]

Was what he told me when he passed away a few days later and I was in charge of his funeral, grieving for a whole week.

With his passing came the end of an age, a generation which I had grown attached to.

Thankfully however the next Elder was as much as wise as the last and I still continued my rounds with ease.

..

..

The village too became just a little forgiving to youkai, letting bygones be bygones and even tolerating their presence in the fields.

I did not expect much to happen so soon and any change is better than no change.

…

…..

* * *

..

The immortal girl, she was the exception. She did not change. Appearing before me when she wants to and disappearing when she does not.

She has however, kindly took to escorting lost villagers back to the village and thus creating rumors of the Youkai who helps humans, a rumor I greatly encouraged to blossom.

With my powers, I too have erased the rumor of the flame causing youkai in the woods when I struck down a particular weird fire youkai.

It put an end to that rumor and I was glad… very glad.

..

The only time she would turn up without fail to be with me was when it was his and Akiha-chan's Death Anniversary. Appearing me, she would place flowers in front of their graves before drinking and watching me drowning my sorrows away with drink.

..

[… to them… I wish them happiness… and to the day, I will join you.]

..

[… Hi…]

Recently, yet another young man was trying to get my attention but this time I was more forceful in my words.

_[No… I can… I can never allow, not that I would not give you a chance… but, is that, I would not be giving your love a chance if I gave you the chance. I'm really apologetic…]_

It would not do for me to ruin another young man's life and although my experience tells me that love can actually aid in his life, I fear no one would be like him, could replace him in my heart.

He might have known that, but he still persisted.

This time however, I stood resolute in my decision.

..

.

_[I'm sorry.. .Really I am…]_

_.._

_..  
_

And so, life goes on… changing slowly… and I soaking up and enjoying every single moment of the day.

Singing at the festival, dancing with the girls and the children at the bon festival dance…

Taking part as a Helper at the Shrine's Festival…

Taking the children out to field trips…

Joining the village's women in their little gossip sessions which I took especially note off.

As the saying goes, women knew everything about themselves but know more about others. If there is anything I should take note off, the village's women would know.

..

..

But, all in all it was a peaceful life, not as exciting as when he was still around or as unexpected with her around but I got by.

I have friends, not very intellectual friends so to speak but they were friends which I paid tremendous attention to.

To them, I was overworking myself with so many commitments and to top it off, they do not even know the half of what I was doing.

Besides teaching the children, I visit the Elder's house and partake in weekly meetings in the evening after talking to the villagers or helping out in the afternoon.

At dusk I would mark the papers, cook a hurried dinner before taking a nap and then rushing out to my daily rounds.

Such monotonous life perhaps but I would not have it any other way.

..

..

Relief does come in a few times a week when the immortal girl came in for dinner in which she would promptly take over.

..

..

* * *

_[Really… you should have much better taste seeing how you look.]_

_[How do I look like?]_

_[Noble and ah-]_

_Blushing suddenly, she stopped talking and reached for a broom to chase me out of my own kitchen._

_[Shoo!~ You're distracting me!]_

_

* * *

_

..

..

She was embarrassed at that but she was not here tonight, it was another one of those gaps between us meeting and I shook my head, prepared to eat cold gruel tonight.

[… I should pamper myself…]

Slapping my own cheeks, I shook my head and sighed when I looked at my bowl of gruel. It was grey and sticky and did not look appetizing at all.

[… If I suffer, I suffer.]

Rolling my eyes, I just took it lightly, trying to ignore the texture and the blandness of the dish.

..

* * *

..

..

Change, of course it is surprising… but I have seen many bad hands, bad corners fate had thrown to me and this particular twist in fate was especially harsh on me.

..

Nothing did seem out of the ordinary but to me, what was ordinary was not ordinary to others and perhaps, it all was ordinary.

The person that made the change was, me perhaps?

After all, a small change in my routine did, so many months and years ago, allowed me to first glimpse her and start the cycle of events that to me now, very important.

What if, I had not glimpsed her then? Would I… be how I was in the past?

I will never know… but today, as I gone on with my routine, perhaps I have the right to change it just a little?

What are the odds of change happening?

Slim, very slim in fact that something out of the ordinary would happen to me? But then again, what the something that I am expecting?

Another event to drag life away from it's monotonous and to make it exciting again?

I do not know but I do know one thing… and that is, I've changed so much.

..

..

A funny thing, history…

..

It can record so much and reveal so much but might not reveal what is necessary.

I know so much of what happened then, it was detailed out in full by me but… it all seemed so drab now… so, commonplace and I, I simply cannot feel myself, know who I was, have the same thoughts as who I was before.

She seemed unfamiliar now, someone that I do not know and it is surprising to associate the both of us together when we are now so dissimilar now.

..

. .

In my rounds, I scared away a few wild youkai before doing about my nightly task, to conceal the History of the village.

To conceal the history of humans in the village would make it impossible for youkai to ever approach here as… if there is no humans here, it is just a desolate area in the middle of nowhere.

If Evidence of humans were erased, it would be impossible for humans to be harmed to if they did not exist there in the first place…

..

..

It works the other way around too… but that is another story.

..

..

Instead of retreating back to the safety of the village, I instead took a gamble and perhaps, my mind was preoccupied that day, of many things and thoughts for me to wander out of the village, alone and with most of my power depleted.

..

[… Eh!]

Hearing vicious screaming, I stopped for a moment, considering my options before another scream rang out.

..

..

It's her!

..

[W-What's going-]

Running towards the source of the sound with no hesitation whatsoever, I literally tripped over many obstacles before I could even begin to sense her presence.

I say sense as I felt the heat, the radiant heat from her flames and soon I could hear and smell it.

How could I have not missed such a distinct smell of burning wood and grasses. Those were the same smell and sounds that accompanied his death. I feel a little nausea coming in from just smelling that unique smell.

It brings back horrible memories of my screams and his faint but audible voice as he whispered for me to live on.

Falling to my knees, I coughed and emptied my stomach easily on the ground.

..

[… get a grip, get a grip… she needs you now… please…]

Slowly, trembling I got up, clutched my skirt and determinedly strode forward, determination reflecting in my eyes to get over this silly phobia of mine.

Fear of the past, fear of the present, fear of the future… all this doubts tugged at my sub-consciousness, threatening to drag me down to the deep recesses of despair.

I knew too, that I had another personality, most presumably my more feral and youkai side of me that had taken control of me, using my emotions to overcome my rationality.

I looked over to my back and I saw my own shadow, the shadow of mine stared back at me and faintly, very faintly I sensed something that made my spine tingle and my hair stand up in fear.

[… …]

She does exist, the other me… the youkai me, that I have awakened once.

Like the small hole in the side of the dam, she will take over once again and lend me her strength.

It was like looking at the other side of the mirror, being separated by just a thin barrier of water or glass…

..

..

[… This is not the time to be distracted…]

My nausea forgotten, I once again ran straight for where the screaming was coming from and by now, I was close enough to hear that it was not cries of pain or confusion but rather of rage and anger.

..

[What is going on?]

* * *

**Author's Notes: Actually, I believe that in 2-3 Chapters, it will be the Completion of this Fic with another Epilogue Following the end =)**

**So R&R~  
**


	15. Chapter 15

**Finding History with your Flame**

**Chapter 15: An Offer**

**..**

**..  
**

**Original Concept: ZUN and Shanghai Alice**

**written by: wrathie**

* * *

**..  
**

..

_[EIRIN!]_

_Screaming at her, I growled angrily as she shot another arrow at my direction. She was endless this lunarian, she would never give up till either I was stone dead or all her minions were destroyed._

_ .._

_..  
_

_To her, it was like pest eradication and I felt my blood boil even more when she never even bat an eyelid at my screams towards her._

_There was however, a consolation, scant as it is to see her rabbit companion, the one they call Tewi hide and cower along with the other rabbits of her command._

_COMMAND, SUCH A JOKE!_

_.._

_..  
_

_[DIE, DIE!]_

_It is futile of course to wish her death, she is like me and that damned Kaguya, immortal and it seems to be that immortality must be sold in some black magic shop for me to know two people with immortality._

_Yet, that is not the truth as well, she had made the Hourai Elixir during our first meeting with one another and she had immediately had developed a curiosity for me that she had not revealed why._

_It frustrated me so much that she had so many tricks up her sleeve and had a hidden ace for every particular situation._

_.._

_..  
_

_[ARGH!]_

_Turning my own flames at me, I flinched as the heat made me back off a little. Even with my powers to create fire, the amount of fire that I can absorb in one go and I have long exhausted that._

_I was impervious to flame but I still reacted to heat and I flinched and dodged away when in contact with one. I have not, regrettably, overcame my primal fear of fire._

_.._

_..  
_

_[… NEVER!]_

_But, my hatred welling up again pushed me over that fear and I charged straight through the fire, my own fire to grab Eirin by her throat, or what looked like Eirin as it burst into flames, showering me with cinders and stray wisp of flames that stung me terribly._

_[… argh…]_

_Not flinching from the flames, I gathered them around my fist and I slammed it explosively on the ground to tremendous effects._

_All around me, pillars of fire erupted but on closer inspection, it was not fire by lava, pure hot lava pouring from the cracks in the earth._

_.._

_..  
_

_[AAAAAHHHHHHH!]_

_Clutching my right arm in pain, I forced away the pain by biting on my arm, knowing that my arm would be regenerated in a short while._

_.._

_..  
_

_AFTER I BURN EIRIN TO DUST!_

_.._

_..  
_

_Forcing all my power on my right arm, I slowly but surely raised my arm in the air and the pillars of lava followed me, always flowing and always glowing hot._

_The extreme heat made everything caught fire around us but I paid it no heed, I was studying Eirin's surprised look as she watched the pillar of lava grow up._

_..  
_

_…_

_[EIRIN! GET KAGUYA HERE!]_

_I was down to my knees down in my exhaustion but I knew I was that close to my penultimate victory over her, I have to keep her talking._

_[… The Princess, would not have anything to do with vermin like you, Bird.]_

_[I HAVE A NAME!]_

_[yes, when you WERE human.]_

_Putting the emphasis on the word human, Eirin was mocking me and I took it very very seriously._

_Or was i?_

_I was distracted by her words and the distraction was the one thing she needed for that particular moment._

_With a sly smile, she shot a single arrow, the most simple of acts that I could have avoided but I failed due to my exhaustion from the attack I was planning._

_It pierced my heart and I fell to my knees in further pain, knowing that it was not enough, no it was not enough yet._

_The lava pillars that I was controlling lost their glow and hardened on the spot, dull and hard as rock they were as I struggled to keep myself conscious._

_The pain was incredible but I had felt worst, much worse than before and so, I engulfed myself in flames before striking out at Eirin again, who no doubt had came down to gloat at me._

..

..

_Instead of her, my fist collided with one of her minions and the appearance of that minion made me see only red as I grabbed the bloodied body and started with my powers, burnt it to a crisp slowly and painfully._

_..  
_

_[!]_

_It's fighting screams as it clawed at me was pitiful but at that moment, I did not feel anything for it._

_IT WAS HER!_

_IT WAS HER!_

_This is the same minion that she had used to end HER LIFE, HER INNOCENT LIFE! Just because she had seen her with me!_

_She must derive pleasure from causing me pain and I am returning that favor to that minion she controlled._

_I clutched that body so hard that I knew I was bleeding from hurting myself from my own nails as I was accustomed to the smell of blood but I ignored all that, all the pain this thing had caused is nothing compared to the pain she had felt._

_With my fire, I burnt it to a crisp before tossing the offending object at Eirin, bouncing off her shoes as it landed beside her, a charred mess of fur and teeth._

_.._

_..  
_

_Revenge… maybe….maybe I have already avenged your death?_

_.._

_..  
_

_[YOU, SICK…]_

_I never got to finish my sentence as Eirin smiled wryly at me as light blinded me when her spell rained destruction on me._

_Portals appeared all around her and with a single word by her, spat out countless of shining arrows that rained down on me. If that was not enough, after the rain of arrows came barrages of needles, reflecting off the glow of the arrows to embed themselves into my skin, making me cry out in pain._

_..  
_

_But it was not enough!_

_NO, NOT ENOUGH! THIS PAIN IS NOTHING!_

_[THIS IS NOTHING!]_

_Spitting out blood and gnashing my teeth, I reached for yet another portion of my hatred and strength to renew myself mentally._

_NO, I HAVE NOT KILLED HER YET!_

_..  
_

_[KAGUYA!_

_Shouting her name, the air around me burst into flames and I laughed sadistically as all the needles, arrows were burnt away to nothingless, something which very much surprised Eirin._

_..  
_

_[To be able to burn away magic itself… that flame… it is unusual…]_

_Musing to herself, she casually grazed a fireball I threw at her but she was visibly shaken when the fireball struck._

_A massive explosion rocked the earth as the ground literally rolled like a wave and the resulting pillar of earth that shot to the sky made it clear to her._

_I meant business and this power, this power I had unleashed…WILL BURN HER TO A CRISP._

_ .._

_[The border would not hold… not with this… flame of hers.]_

_Paying no heed to her words, I advanced even closer and for the first time, noticed the amount of heat that my fire was emitting._

_The air was hissing, everything was catching fire and those that were not were starting to melt. Most ominous of all was that the even the air seemed to crackle, seeming ready to explode in a moments notice._

_..  
_

_But, was it not what I wanted? I can kill her, burn her to nothing with this flame…_

_..  
_

_And so I looked up, to see Yagokoro Eirin, the confident smile wiped from her face. Instead she was a little pale and sweating profusely…_

_I had startled her and my strength has no doubt shaken her belief to the core._

_..  
_

_[… I had not paid you enough credit, Phoenix… But, now that I have…]_

_A small but unmistakable smile appeared on her face as she snapped her fingers._

_..  
_

_[Medicine Sign: Universe in a pot!]_

_

* * *

_

_.._

_..  
_

_The dimension around me suddenly warped and I was no longer where I was standing a moment before. The ground beneath me was gone and so was all the burning trees, plants and rocks that for a moment ago still hissed and sizzled in my presence._

_However, Eirin was still there, standing in front of me, her lips pursed._

_Something disturbed her, something definitely disturbed her as I stood or did I float in midair._

_Nothing was real anymore as I had lost my sense of direction. I was not standing yet standing on something… I was breathing and not breathing at the same time._

_It was cramped and it was spacious… where am I?_

_In this reality where nothing is real and nothing is an illusion, I merely bared my teeth, raised my arm and extended the claws I still kept._

_I was not youkai, unable to extend claws or to grow my own… but I have claws… claws that will burn you…_

_..  
_

_Gathering my power in my palms, I threw the condensed fireball at Eirin with all my might like I was pitching a throw and this time, it collided with her and as it exploded beautifully everything was covered by the black smoke billowing from the strike but in the next; Eirin was revealed, panting as she strained to maintain a barrier that was breaking all around her._

_..  
_

_SO, THAT WAS HOW SHE DID IT!_

_.._

_..  
_

_[COWARD!]_

_Rushing forward, I thread air easily and was upon her in a heartbeat. Grabbing her, I was knocked back when Eirin's secondary spell came to effect._

_All around us, giant orbs formed and when I touched her, the orbs all collided on me, burdening me till I fell to my knees, the weight too much for me._

_Unfortunately for Eirin, it served only as a burden and had not, as she had hoped, killed me and I howled out her name, shaking her even more._

_[GIVE BACK HER LIFE!]_

_[I-Impossible!]_

_Breaking away from me now, Eirin was afraid of me and I lapped everything up… It was the first time since ever that the tables have been turned but I was still a bit cautious._

_..  
_

_She never did anything without a purpose!_

_ .._

_And, that warning paid my heed as when I cornered her, Eirin was sweating profusely as she shot arrow after arrow at me futile._

_I had long knew the composition of the arrows and I fried them to nothing less with ease. Her face, pale and shaking with fear was worth every minute of it._

_Till, she suddenly laughed._

_..  
_

_[WAHAHAHA!]_

_The laughter shook me as it was maniacally, nothing all unlike the scream I would utter from time to time in my hatred to Kaguya but for her, it was more vile and vicious._

_She found joy in causing pain in others, in making sure their lives were a constant hell._

_Her laughter seemed to tell me that and I broke out in cold sweat when I felt the whole realm shiver and shake._

_[W-?]_

_..  
_

_It was too late for me to cry out as an explosion of light was all I saw before I was bloodied and lying on the floor. The destruction of my body was proof of how strong and merciless that attack was as in a single instant, my body was ripped apart and riddled with small holes._

_The ferocity was too much even for me as I could not even move, just moan in pain as I lay, almost dissected in front of her._

_.._

_..  
_

_[d-damn.]_

_My voice was not weak and it will never be weak as with I willed my body to resurrect itself. Bit by bit, my body was covered with flames and before Eirin could do anything, I had resurrected, both with my power:_

_Being possessed by a phoenix is a good thing and of course, the accursed Hourai Elixer._

_.._

_..  
_

_[…]_

_But, in the midst of my revival, Eirin did not let up, she wanted me dead, knocked unconscious before returning back to Kaguya._

_That damn bitch._

_Firing arrows after arrows, Eirin no doubt was clear in her mind that if I absorbed enough punishment, I would faint out of exhaustion and I was nearing my limit._

_My tolerance for pain is something a normal human does not have but the threshold was being breached and I had to scream out in pain and fury at her even when I was in my knees, helpless with nothing I can do but take the punishment like a limp doll._

_..  
_

_[ugh…]_

_At the end of the torturous affair in regenerating myself, I was left with me, my hands on the ground like I was praying to her but in reality, was wishing with all my might that I can crush her, kill her and drink her blood…_

_[E-RIN…]_

_My hated enemies' subordinate merely snickered as she cocked the final arrow that would no doubt knock me out as I was barely clinging on to consciousness with this battered mind of mine._

_In a distance, I could see Tewi giggling at my sorrow state and that made me burn up with anger even more. The CHEEK of that RABBIT!_

_[… rabbit season… heh…]_

_Coughing up blood, I looked up to see my murderer, the same expression on her face when she did me in all the time._

_She was gloating, proud and amused at my futile actions and it truly, truly made her look like the devil._

_.._

_..  
_

_[Die.]_

_Matter of factedly, she shrugged and released the shaft._

_..  
_

_[NO!]_

_[YOU!]_

_A sudden and familiar shadow dashed in front of me, her hands outstretched protectively over me and the next of her falling on me, the one person that I had hidden from them for so long._

_[! NO!]_

__

* * *

..

..

All I saw was a flash of blinding light as I approached them and the sight that greeted me was horrible, really horrible as I saw the immortal girl being torn to shreds by unknown women. She displayed an aura of mystery and a mix of power but most of all, she was a great beauty.

With that beauty, she had power and power she really did possess.

The strength she possess was over the chart and it was all I can do not to run away from the scene as it was too overpowering. Magic was literally all around me, sparkling with intensity and added with the fact that the fire controlled by the immortal girl was still smoldering everywhere, every instinct in me, youkai and human just begged me to split.

..

But I could not… No, I could not!

..

She was there, lying on the ground hurt and bloodied as every now and then, the women would fire another shaft of arrow that would pierce her body and explode in a brilliant light.

Just watching it was painful for me and I winced with every shot she fired as I ran towards her.

[No! Stop!]

My cries were futile as I were unable to muster enough voice due to the thick smoke and I was masked by the crackling of the fire and the thickness of the smoke.

..

..

[STOP!]

Dashing in front of them, I raised my hands protectively in front of her and then, I felt a momentarily burst of pain that made my whole body turn weak.

..

..

[…!]

Unable to even cry out, my vision and consciousness became a little fuzzy as I suddenly found myself staring at the night sky and marveling at it's beauty.

[YOU! WHY DID YOU!]

Her face, bloodied and furious appeared suddenly, covering the night sky and I realized that I must be lying on her lap, looking at the sky and I blushed. It would be pretty romantic if she was a guy but the more I see her face, the more beautiful she is…

..

..

So, so beautiful and proud she is…

..

..

[…]

[HEY!]

I was barely conscious to her shaking me but I felt the tears that dropped on my face as the next moment, she was crying.

Was she crying for me?

..

[D-don't cry…]

My voice was a whisper and it was a miracle she heard it as she gripped my hand firmly. Odd that I could feel nothing else but I can feel the warmth and comfort from her hands.

The world is so odd… but beautiful at the same time.

[Don't cry… not for me…]

Mustering a smile, I got the opposite effect to what I was looking for as she howled again, furious at my response.

[NO! DON'T YOU DARE LEAVE ME! I WON'T HAVE IT! I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU SMILING AT ME LIKE THIS!]

..

[…. ….]

Wordlessly I said nothing as I only saw white and nothingness the next moment.

..

..

But… life was… well.

Yes, life is well… and this shall be yet another change in my life. Pity it would not be recorded… but, that is scarcely something I should be worried about… There will be another person to record this down, prejudice or real… it does not concern me….

I… I will just, take it as it is… through his or her eyes…

..

Finding her way or his way… just like how I did.

..

It came to me too…

..

[… how silly… was I? Truly…]

..

..

Asking myself so many questions as my life passed slowly before me; not in a flash like people say it would but slowly and steadily like I was walking back the aisle of time.

..

How many times… did I consume or rewrite history… truly?

..

[… it all seems, so unreal now… my life…]

..

I had reflected, reflected on many things in the past and yes, my eyes were reopened once again.

The nagging feeling that I've been through this before… this mourning, this hurt… and finally, the acceptance…

It was not a strong feeling, but I had once felt it before. Nothing in the world can describe… this, awful and yet reassuring feeling that I had truly moved on… and lived on.

..

It would be a simple task indeed… rewriting history so that something or someone has not existed… I knew as I had done that before… but never have I remembered… or perhaps… Perhaps I had done that before….. my own powers…

..

My own powers, rewriting my own history… And, removing all my previous memories and emotions with it.

One tends to forget things over a period of time but no, not me. I would know every single detail of my life… every minute detail, no matter how boring or insignificant…

I would know, as I recorded it down without fail.

..

But, what if… WHAT IF?

What if… I had used it on myself?

Could I have… consumed my own history… just to stop myself… from falling in the same trap before?

It would be logical… I had once almost did that… stopped only by the immortal girl. Have I, so foolish and naïve… so protected in my own world that I had erased my past loves?

Or, was my other self just… toying with me?

..

Oh, no matter…

..

[… I still, love you… and only you?]

In the white emptiness that I am in, that perhaps was all that mattered.

It is, all in the past now. You made me believe… you made me strong… you made me… feel, human…

[… and … I never did learn your name… did I?]

Laughing, I consoled myself to know that at the least, I lay dying in her arms.

..

She is the one, who made all the difference… this single time, where perhaps… I did not remove what I truly wanted in life.

Love… and, the inner strength to face it.

..

She too, is the one who gave me a second life, a second chance… and made me know…what my existence… matters. If not for her, I would have lost to despair.

She is my savior, my curse and most importantly of all.

My everlasting companion. Alike we are and yet, different we am.

..

[… thank you…]

..

* * *

..

..

..

_[NO! WAKE UP!]_

_Shaking her desperately, I wiped away the tears that were falling in anger and despair._

_WHY DID SHE COME HERE?_

_WHY?_

_..  
_

_She still came even though she was not supposed to… I told her time and time again not to… but she still came…_

_All my efforts in trying to conceal her from Eientei… and yet, she was now here, in plain sight of those damnable Lunarians and by shielding me, had shown what her stand is…_

_..  
_

_They had caused her enough pain… and now… and NOW….  
_

_[WAKE UP, HEAR ME?]_

_Screaming, I was unaware of Eirin's approach till she appeared before me, unarmed and knelt by me._

_ .._

_..  
_

_[She will die.]_

_Matter-of-factedly she told me that and I spat at her face, telling her to get out of my sight but she did not budge. Wiping away the spit, she remained calm and collected as she repeated herself._

_[She, will, die.]_

_[… SHUT UP!]_

_[… yes she will.]_

_[SHUT UP, BITCH! YOU DID THIS!]_

_[True enough, and I'll offer a chance to undo this.]_

_..  
_

_My brain stopped for a second as I heard her offer, it sounded too good to be true and it probably was._

_Like all of the things in Eientei, everything came with a catch and I growled at her to back off._

_[GET OUT OF HERE!]_

_[…she would die.]_

_[I'll get her to a doctor!]_

_Deciding that was the best thing to do, I strained a little under her weight and was going to fly off when she remarked._

_[With her weight, you'll be too late. She'll be stone dead then…]_

_[SHE'S YOUKAI!]_

_SHIT, I SHOULD NOT HAVE SAID THAT!_

_..  
_

_A flicker of surprise appeared on her features but she remained collected still. The news had definitely changed something in her plan but it was still in motion as I could still see the gears inside her brain go clack._

_[Even so, you'll be exposing yourself… and she… she'll be exposed too.]_

_I stopped and had to admit she was right, even if she survived… she'll no doubt be exposed as youkai and torn from her normal life… but, rather that than being dead..._

_Right?_

_.._

_..  
_

_[you would be depriving her of her normal life. Could you bear it? The thought of you being the one to destroy her own life?]_

_..  
_

_[…]_

_..  
_

_[Then again, if she died… you'll be labeled as her murderer… ]_

_..  
_

_[… I'll rather let her life be ruined and live on…]_

_[Like you?]_

_..  
_

_That hit a nerve and I twitched a little. She is ingenious… thinking so far ahead and truly, she was right…_

_But, But I could NEVER LET HER DIE…_

_Not like this…_

_..  
_

_[She'll recover… soon… I'll nurse her back…]_

_[Impossible. That arrow was designed to kill youkai… without my help… or a doctors immediate treatment… she'll die. Eventually.]_

_ .._

_[ugh…]_

_She got me cornered on all tracks and she knew that. Things had taken an unexpected turn but never would I dream that she would appear before us in this way… stepping into my life like she did._

_.._

_..  
_

_DAMN…_

_..  
_

_[… w-why?]_

_[I, do not drag people, who are not involved into your affair.]_

_..  
_

_[LIAR.]_

_[Perhaps. But, you have scarcely any choice. My offer still stands. Let, me treat her.]_

_[…]_

_[Or, let her die.]_

_..  
_

_

* * *

_

..

..

..

[ugh…]

My head was throbbing and I blinked a few times till the throbbing subsided somewhat as I clutched my head with my hands.

I can move? Thank goodness…

An immense wave of relief spread over me and I felt tears forming in my eyes and my own body burning up with embarrassment at my own relief. But I let it slide of course, who would not want to find oneself alive when sure of certain death.

Paying more attention to where I am now, I struggled to sit up but was foiled by myself, my own body actually as I felt pain strike me from my chest like someone had shot me there.

..

[… someone did…]

Realizing that when the memories of what happened came back to me, I touched the spot where I was supposedly struck and was presently surprised when I saw that the wound was almost completely healed and was wrapped bounded carefully by someone.

Who could it be? Was it the village doctor? Oh gods… I can never look at him straight in the face again if it was truly him.

..

My clothes were changed too but when I felt around, I could touch a pile of clothes and with a quick sniff, I quickly knew that they were mine and I breathed a sigh of relief. Dressed in a snow-white kimono, I had the taste to touch it to find out that it was made of the highest quality of silk that I knew I was not at the village.

No one in the village will give an injured person a kimono so precious and I tensed up immediately. Where am I, who was looking after me…

And, where was her?

..

The last time and probably the last image that I saw was of her crying and shaking her head desperately as she looked at me. Was I dying then? Of course I was, with an arrow buried deep into my chest, it would need a miracle for me to be alive and for once, it had happened.

I am alive and in the pink of health if only a little bit sore. Still, as the trade off was my life or this sore body, I would take the latter anyday of the week any day of the year for that matter.

[… where is she?]

..

[I'd assume you are talking about her, Fujiwara.]

Another voice spoke from behind me and I tried to whirl around to see her if not for a pair of strong hands that held me down in my position. Looking up, I saw a pair of sparking purple eyes and a well-formed face that made me swallow a little nervously at our close proximity.

..

[… is, that her name?]

Wondering out loud to myself; I was going to greet my companion when she took the imitative instead and scooted over to the front of me, allowing me to see her in full.

It was her, the women who was attacking the immortal girl! B-But why, why is she helping me?

Don't tell me…

The thought jammed in it's tracks as I did not want to believe it…

Did she do away with her… NO! NO!

..

..

I must be shaking my head as she laughed a little; but that laughed sounded just like a demoness and I shivered in my futon, afraid of what she might do to me…

Un-unless she is using me as a bargaining chip… Oh gods… please, don't let me be a burden to her…

[Did she not tell you her name? If it is that girl, figures.]

Although she meant everything she said, I noticed that she had to struggle to use the word girl and I narrowed my eyes at her comment.

[After all, she is… that kind of a person.]

Her words were spiked with thorns and I felt very uncomfortable in her presence. It is not just her eyes but thoughtful expression on her face that said to me that she had something up her sleeve…

Something was wrong, something was very wrong and I did not like it.

..

[You look well enough. I will get you some tea. Tea is good for you now.]

But, seeing how hospitable she is, I have to return the courteous manners and I bowed to her.

[T-Thank you…]

[… I did not expected to be thanked, least of all… by you. I, shot you. Did you not remember?]

Narrowing her eyes, she seemed proud of that fact and when she placed her hands on her lap, staring at me, I felt that she was actually quite pleased she did that.

I was part of some dastardly scheme planned by her but what? What role did I have to play in this…?

..

[I… I remember… but, you saved me…]

[It is only your assumption, could I not have abducted you when you were recovering?]

Toying with me, she seemed to enjoy making me squirm as I had to admit she was right, she could have done anything while I was out cold…

[But, I did. I saved you. It was my decision to do so. It would, not do for your, identity… to be exposed, youkai.]

Her eyes twinkled when she said this and for once, she seemed to be warm towards me as someone handed her a pot of tea and two small cups.

[Well, have a drink.]

Pouring it out for me and herself, she drank hers with no hesitation and pushed the other to me, inviting me to drink.

[… yes, thank you.]

Perhaps I was lowering my guard too much but I felt that, it would be wise not to disobey her. She had me in her mercy and she did not get rid of me just yet…

Perhaps she was saying the truth?

..

..

[It is good… the tea is so fragrant.]

[Appreciative of the small and finer parts of life are you? Good. I could, perhaps take a liking to you.]

Her way of speaking suddenly seemed familiar to me now, She is a learnt person that is true but she is a spoiled and arrogant person as well. The way she was speaking to me was as if I was just a piece of dirt lying on the floor in front of her.

[… I know you have questions. But for now, take another rest. I will return shortly with more medication.]

Getting up after finishing her tea, she remarked again as she slid open the door.

[If you need anything, pray ask. The rabbits will tend to you.]

I must be hearing things, rabbits?

..

[Tewi. Take her and her and ask them to look after the guest for me. As for the other… just leave her alone. She will wake up by herself soon enough.]

* * *

..

..

[My name is Yagokoro. Yagokoro Eirin. I am a lunarian, a person from the moon.]

Introducing herself as she did another checkup on me, she paused as she redressed the bandages on my chest. The wound was healing quite nicely now due to my youkai body but there was a catch, the wound was still bleeding.

[My arrow has a property that stops youkai blood from clotting… you would have died without any assistance even if you were a particularly strong youkai. I'd assume you are a beast youkai, am I not accurate in my hypothesis?]

She was sharp beyond words and I nodded my head.

[Indeed, that would enable you to track us down if you knew what you were searching for.]

Scratching her chin, Yagokoro-san murmured to herself.

..

[Where am I?]

[You are an Eientei. In the middle of the bamboo forest. It is our abode.]

Smiling, she propped me up as she the doors in front of me were slid open by rabbit attendants. The sun shone down on us and I winced a little as my eyes were unaccustomed to the light just yet. When I could pay attention to details however, I was very much at awe at what I saw.

The bamboo flowers were flowering right in front of me, a rare sight as bamboo flower every 50 years or so and I've only seen a few in my life time.

..

[In Eientei. Time does not move… we are eternal beings and thus, even the bamboo flowers… affected by the seasons we still are, but time, means nothing to us. In spring, the sakura blossoms at the start and end of spring… in summer, the bamboo flowers… and in autumn… the maple covers the ground in a dazzling array of colors. In winter… the Christmas rose flowers in our doorsteps…]

..

[It must be beautiful…]

[Yes it is. Very beautiful. But, in the face of eternity. What is beauty to us? A mere… plaything… hah.]

[Your friend would understand that… Miss…]

[Kamishirasawa. Kamishirasawa Keine…]

[Miss Kamishirasawa then.]

..

..

[… you mean… her?]

[Yes, her… the one possessed by the Phoenix.]

[The phoenix?]

[A way of putting her immortality to light. Yes, she is possessed by something that is remarkably like the fire bird of legends.]

..

[… Quite like you, Miss Kamishirasawa. She is human and youkai.]

[… yes, quite like me.]

Sitting side by side, the cheerful atmosphere that was present a few minutes ago was gone and was replaced by a darkening mood that threatened to engulf everything in it's wake.

It is a hard topic to discuss about, immortality that is… I am not immortal, I do not know her fears, her pain of living on forever and ever and ever.

I am, simply just another youkai… another human that she met along the way…

[… was… she worried about me?]

If she was amused by that question, she did not show it as she simply kept silent the whole way.

..

..

[Did she even care about me? I… I cared about her… I… I do…]

[… perhaps, you… might be the one… after all.]

Turning towards me, her eyes suddenly flashed a brilliant red like my youkai eyes as she reached into her pocket and produced something for me.

..

..

[this, is the hourai elixir.]

[T-The hourai elixir?]

[yes, the Hourai elixir. The elixir that grants, immortality.]

[Ah…]

..

..

[It was given to her, a long time ago, granting her immortality. And now, I am making an offer to you.]

[yes?]

[if you drink it… you'll be with her. For all of eternity…]

It was odd, the both of us sitting in the same room, staring at a single bottle in her hands but from that particular bottle, I could feel something dangerous capped in that bottle; like a genie in the lamp.

..

..

[… the devil's medicine and… the angel's… medicine?]

There was story, a story of a girl who was on the verge of dying and suddenly, a merchant who was passing by offered the girl two types of medicine.

..

..

**[The Angel's medicine will cure all your sickness… and will make you immortal… but, all your friends will leave you…**

**But, the devil's medicine… will take your life… but your friends, family and all who hold you dear… will be with you forever.]**

..

..

What is it in front of me? The devil's medicine or the angel's medicine?

Will I die? Or… will I… be with her?

Ca-can someone… just tell me…?

..

[If you would just, say please… I want, the Hourai Elixir… it's yours.]

Her face, Yagokoro Eirin's face was like an angel and a devil together… who is she actually? Is she the wolf dressed in wolf's clothing? Or god, dressed in a beggar's clothing?

Is she my savior? Or the grim reaper of my life?

..

..

I opened my mouth and reached for the bottle in her hands.

..

[I…I… P-please…]

[Yes?]

[Please… I, I want the…]

..

..

* * *

..

..

-BANG!-

[KEINE!]

..

..

Suddenly, the door exploded into flames and was subsequently broken down by the immortal girl, flaming wings growing out of her back and spewing horrible words all in one go.

[Why you bitch! I asked you to save her! I NEVER ALLOWED YOU TO DO THIS TO HER!

Screaming, she pushed Yagokoro-san away and after doing that, grabbed my hands and led me away.

[Why that bitch. Don't you DARE drink that thing! I didn't allow you to!]

Fuming, she took to the skies still holding my hand even as I heard Yagokoro-san's whisper, clear as day even in the howling winds.

..

..

[My offer, shall always stand, Miss Kamishirasawa. Always.]

..

..

* * *

..

..

[Pft, what in the world came over you, Keine! Drinking that! You would be like me! Stupid!]

[I… well I…]  
Speechless as she continued to lecture me as we flew out of the woods, an indescribable feeling came over me. Pure bliss swept over me at being called by my name… she never did admitted to knowing or wanting to know my name but… but now…

[Oi oi, why are you crying!]

Scratching her head, she watched me cry tears of joy as I clung on to her hand, wiping the tears away with my other arm.

[Are you sad? She is not someone you should cry about and neither is that bloody elixir stuff. HMPH.]

[No… I am… happy… really happy.]

[Eh?]

[Y-You called me by my name… you did, didn't you… and you came for me… I was afraid… so afraid…]

[Eh EH… well.. yea.. I did came after you… I was worried so…]

Embarrassed, her sentences were filled with pauses and gaps in them but nothing in the world sounded more comforting than her voice now.

..

..

[yea well. Let's go back… Keine.]

[No…]

[Eh?]

[I… I want to know… your name…]

[M-My name?]

[yes… your name…]

Pulling at her hands, the both of us stopped in mid-air and stared at one another. Me with my hands placed over my chest shyly and her of indifference, looking away from my eyes.

[Well, I knew you heard from Eirin so I guess-]

[No! I want to hear it from you… you… you heard me… right? You knew my name… I am, Kamishirasawa Keine… what is your name?]

..

..

[… Fujiwara… Fujiwara, no mokou… okay? Fujiwara No Mokou! Alright? Happy! Let's go!]

She did not notice it or realize it, but I sure did… behind her, the sun seemingly shined just a little bit brighter and my heart was warmed by her words and her untold affection and concern for me.

[Yes, let's go, Mokou…]

[Hmph… mm…]

..

..

* * *

..

..

The Angel's medicine was the medicine in Eirin's hands… I knew that… but, for the person who took the medicine, it is nothing but that…

A curse from the gods indeed… Looking at her, I knew that she would not want me taking that cursed object and now I am glad I did not.

In my heart, I wanted the Devil's medicine… even if it would cause me my death.

..

..

[The Devil's medicine…]

[hmm?]

[Mokou…]

[hey hey… I never asked you to keep calling my name…]

Still shamed-faced, she never looked back at me till I told her what I thought.

[You truly are a devil…]

[Devil?]

..

..

Yes, the devil… that killed my previous life.. and allowed my friends to be with me…

Was her…

..

..

And to the gods above me, listening to my prayers now…

..

..

[Bless you… may gods bless you… Mokou…]

[… hmph…]

To that, Mokou just smiled shyly and broke off from me.

[I'll see you, Keine…]

..

..

[Mm… but… Mokou…]

[…?]

Turning her head back to look at me, my words surprised her but she simply shrugged a reply to me.

..

..

[… will there, be someone… who will… let my wish come true?]

[My wish… of someone… bridging the gap… between… human and youkai?]

..

..

[… Hell would I know…]

[…]

[Keine?]

[?]

[Just, give yourself, and everyone a chance, will cha? You got me.]

..

..

[… for all of my eternity, Mokou… right?]

[…]

She nodded and I smiled back at her, happy that I had her and happy that she had me.

..

..

The End

* * *

**Author's Notes: AND that's that! Thank you for reading! But the Epilogue will be up in a few days!**

**Final thoughts would be appreciated!  
**


	16. Epilogue

**-Epilogue-**

..

..

_[… hmph.]_

_Standing by myself at the edge of a small lake, I paused as I looked at all the flowers that were growing around the banks. They were nice flowers I suppose… brilliant in the colors and their scent… but, that was not all._

_Something drew me here, a sense of… danger and anticipation drew me here… to stand amongst them._

_They were reaching for me, their small stems slowly pointing towards me like the sunflower pointing towards the sun…_

_..  
_

_[Hey, you there.]_

_A voice called out to me and it sounded kind of familiar to me. It was someone I knew but was not familiar with. There were plenty of people like that around me now thanks to her interference._

_ .._

_[?]_

_Looking up, I saw the figure standing in front of me, her face covered by the mist but with a vague outline of her showing through it._

_[Don't touch those flowers…]_

_[Are you the gardener of this place?]_

_[well, in some terms, perhaps. I take care of them for a while.]_

_[… I see.]_

_A conversation borne out of nothing at all and with no motive or plot whatsoever… something that suits me just fine._

_..  
_

_[What, flowers are they… they, seem different.]_

_[… they are, flowers of death.]_

_[… I see. Will they cause me to die?]_

_[Maybe… do you want to know about them?]_

_.._

_..  
_

_[Why not? I… don't think I came here to die…]_

_I can't anyway…_

_ .._

_[… you are a weird one. Not many can make their way here… unless you wanted to die.]_

_[Haha… I suppose, you are going to tell me they will drag me down to my grave?]_

_Pointing to the flowers, waving about in the wind, I felt a cold chill run down my spine when all at once, they brushed close to me._

_[… you are, different…]_

_[… I suppose, you can call me that. And, what about you? Taking care of the flowers of death.]_

_[… Haha~ That's right too!]_

_Laughing, she agreed with me on one thing, that these flowers were unusual…_

_..  
_

_[These are dead souls… souls, that refuse to die… and are wandering at the edges of this river.]_

_[… souls?]_

_[Mm.. their souls, their lives… their hatred… their thoughts… their love… made these flowers grow. The flowers are who they are, the weakest of all living things… at the mercy of everything else, reflecting their fragility and their weakness.]_

_[…]_

_[They… will lead you to your end… weak as they are, their will and wishes are strong… they will trample everything if they can, destroy each other… all to get hope. Even now…]_

_Pointing at my foot, I saw that a few flowers were starting to creep up on them. True enough, they will kill me… if I could be killed._

_.._

_..  
_

_[You… why are you here?]_

_Sounding suspicious, she asked me suddenly as I kicked myself free of their vines._

_[… hmm? You don't need to know that. I, just appear here. Like you.]_

_[… I see.]_

_..  
_

_[Will… they leave here?]_

_[?]_

_[Will, those souls… that reside here, ever leave here?]_

_[of course.]_

_ .._

_I swear I could see her smile through the mist and a grateful and happy smile it was too as she leaned back a little._

_[Those, who wishes to atone for their crimes… those who have atoned for their crimes… those who have accepted their deaths… will get a chance to leave this place.]_

_.._

_..  
_

_[I see…]_

_It was my turn to be laconic but still, I smiled a little._

_[Then, they are not flowers of death… but, the Devil's flowers.]_

_[… the, devil's flowers?]_

_..  
_

_[Have, you heard… of the Angel's Medicine… and the, Devil's Medicine?]_

_[…?]_

_..  
_

_Sticking my hands into my pockets, I smiled and told her._

_..  
_

_[With the Angel's Medicine… I would lose all my friends… all my loved ones… while all my sickness, will be gone and, I shall be immortal._

_With the Devil's Medicine… I would die but… all my friends, all my love ones… shall be with me forever.]_

_[Ah…]_

_[Aren't they… the Devil's flowers?]_

_[… perhaps.]_

_[… coming here… and, giving oneself up… to death. Is, a brave thing to do, is it not?]_

_[… yes it is…]_

_[Maybe, they are not the Devil's Medicine… nor the Devil's flowers…]_

_[then, what are they? Flowers of heaven?]_

_[… if, they return to heaven… maybe.]_

_Guffawing, I shrugged as I turned my back at her._

_[Ahah~ What am I saying… I'm mixing myself up… they are not, the devil's medicine nor the angel's medicine or… devil's flowers… they are just… flowers…]_

_[No. they are not, just flowers. You were right. They are, the Devil's Flowers.]_

_[hmm?]_

_.._

_..  
_

_[Telling their loves one… telling the ones that are left behind… that they are strong even when they are weak. Escaping to death, is not escaping. It is, something that needs bravery…]_

_[Yes…]_

_[and in doing so… earn, immortality. In the hearts, of those who matters the most to them.]_

_[… yes, that might be true. Then… to those, who has taken the angel's medicine?]_

_..  
_

_[… will have to live on, to be strong… and to, give strength to others…]_

_[… why?]_

_[Why?]_

_[Yes, why… why are those.. .who have taken the Angel's medicine… is it fate? Or is it…]_

_..  
_

_[To those, who will never see these shores… to those flowers that will never bloom here… Have to be strong. Stronger than everything else…]_

_[WHY? WHY?]_

_Screaming, I lost control for a moment as my emotions went out of hand at her words. It is preposterous, what is she saying? MUST I ALWAYS BE STRONG?_

_.._

_..  
_

_[… Yes, one must always be strong…]_

_[Can… you tell me why?]_

_..  
_

_[… of course.]_

_..  
_

_[tell me… please.]_

_..  
_

_..  
_

_She smiled again and laughed too as she started walking away from me despite my protests._

_[Hey, don't damage the flowers!]_

_[W-Wait! Tell me!]_

_[… for those, who lives on… it's not good, for you to stick around here.]_

_[HEY!]_

_I cannot catch up with her no matter what, what is going on?_

_[There is always someone waiting for a significant someone, isn't there? If there is someone waiting for you… or someone you have yet to meet… that connection, should be why… you lived on… and.. .stay alive… right?]_

_.._

_..  
_

_[This place, is the place of death… a place for the lonesome… but, you are not someone like that, are you?]_

_Turning back, I could see her smile, radiant and cheerful for me and I stopped running after her even as she, Onozuka Komachi walked further and further away._

_[So, go back to where you are needed… you're alright you know that? You're her strength…]_

_.._

_..  
_

_[…pft… hey.]_

_[?]_

_[… is.. every flower different?]_

_[Yes, I suppose so.]_

_[What kind of flower… would I be?]_

_[… well, a strong, black and red one… with thorns at the stem… but not near the flower itself.…]_

_[hmph. What would I smell like, then?]_

_[A beautiful smell. For someone, who is as beautiful as you are… an intoxicating smell… and, one, that is hard to obtain… but soft and pleasant when captured.]_

_I blushed at how she has made me out to be and I asked another question._

_.._

_..  
_

_[W-What would she be like? Her flower?]_

_[… why not, answer that yourself?]_

_[… I suppose… a white one?]_

_[… hmm~ why?]_

_[… why should I tell you that?]_

_[… well, if I saw that flower… I'll return her to you. Just once.]_

_[… Really?]_

_[Yes, why not?]_

_.._

_..  
_

_[… a snow-white flower… as pretty and pure… as she is… Strong… at it's stem… but weak at it's leaves… that is her… and, not overpoweringly beautiful or tall… just… the right height and having a smell that is pleasant..]_

_[Descriptive, aren't you?]_

_[Eh.. .well…]_

_Blushing suddenly, I did not realize that I had gone on for a while and I looked away, embarrassed at what I had said._

_[She is noble… and gentle… and… pure… so please… I… I… don't want her to be a flower, so soon.]_

_[HAH! Begging me now, huh?]_

_[…I… I just… don't know… how I am…]_

_[How… I am?]_

_[How do I… proceed… in this eternity… without her… I, really don't…]_

_[In this… endless eternity… my time with her is short… so short that I…]_

_..  
_

_..  
_

_[You're strong and you'll get by… but so is she… why don't you tell her that yourself?]_

_..  
_

_..  
_

_Pointing to something behind my back, I stuttered and blushed red when I saw Keine, a hand covering her mouth and with the same blush on her face looking at me._

_H-How, why… what?_

_[Hnn?]_

_My voice jumbled together and so did Keine as the both of us just flustered over one another and then looked away, embarrassed._

_ .._

_..  
_

_[I… I'm sorry… I didn't want to eavesdrop on you but… I… I was following you and…]_

_[I… uh… sorry, for worrying you…]_

_[B-But I swear! I swear I just saw you when I suddenly jumped here! I swear!]_

_[E-Eh? That means… K-Komachi?]_

_It was her, her manipulation of distance made Keine able to hear me!_

_[KOMACHI!]_

_She was a small dot on the horizon but I still could hear her light laughter as her and her gondola moved down the sanzu river._

_.._

_..  
_

_[… Mokou, leave it.]_

_[… pft. Okay.]_

_[And Mokou…]_

_[?]_

_[I'll be strong…]_

_[…]_

_[I'll.. be strong too… I'll… try.]_

_[Mm… thank you, Mokou.]_

_[No…]_

_.._

_..  
_

_[Thank YOU, Keine…]_

_..  
_

_..  
_

_Turning, I gestured for her to follow my lead. With that Ferrywoman's interference, I'll be back at the village in no time and so I just waited for Keine to follow me._

_She was twitchy, that she was as she tried hard to conceal what she had behind her._

_[Let's go back, Keine.]_

_[yes… let's go back, together…]_


End file.
